One Mad Moment

She watched the lug-worm casts squidging between her toes in between the coming waves. The tide would be fully in a few minutes from now and the sandbank was disappearing under rising inches of turbulent water. She looked back towards the little pile of man-made debris that had no right to be on the beach.

At this time of night the sea, the beach the wind belonged to nature alone, even here she didn't belong. She’d taken off her socks and shoes and folded her cardigan neatly on top of them. It was good, feeling the late summer evening chill. She felt that the moon, big and swollen above her was lighting her way to success, egging her on, being a protective watcher, her guardian.

The light breeze played amongst the goose pimples on her arms, taunting them to greater peaks. And the stronger wind behind it blew her hair out in scented ripples.

Should she? Could she do it?

All her life she’d felt the cold shoulder of rejection, nobody had ever really loved her. She was inadequate, if not a failure then certainly not a success. Always on the outside of everybody else's life, never a part of it, or of them.

How hard could it be? Go on, do it. It's easy.

She had to do it now. She’d never be at this place, at this time, again. It had to be now. There could be no going back. Do it.

The last wave had brought the water to mid calf. The sea moving forward, ever forward, urging her on. Do it, do it, do it.

But what if…?

Too late for that, the time for what ifs had passed. This was something, regardless of the outcome, that she needed to do for herself. She couldn't live with regret, couldn't cope with any more what ifs.

It would take courage. She'd never had much of that, or confidence or self-esteem.

It wouldn't take long, once she'd taken the plunge it would all be over very quickly, she hoped.

And after it was done, well afterwards, she would at least know that just once, once in her pathetic life, she’d taken action. She’d found the courage to do something more difficult than almost anything she’d ever done before.

She took a breath, aware for the first time of how precious breath was and how good it felt to breathe, to smell the sea—her good friend the sea.
Do it now.

She leaned over and kissed him.

The moon smiled and it was done.