Dripsnot Goes in Search of a Wife!

Dripsnot Goes in Search of a Wife!

With thanks to FTSE who allowed me to hijack the name Dripsnot!

Silas Ebenezer Dripsnot was a prudent man! Yes, prudent, even to the extent that he would only use the one name and kept the others in a safe deposit box at the bank.  Being such a frugal man it should come as no surprise to learn that he liked to keep his money close by and did so by keeping his pockets padlocked. He had been thinking for some time that if he could find himself a wife it would be a shrewd move.

Dripsnot had the idea a wife would save him a pretty penny on his housekeeping expenses too. Moreover, he suspected the woman he employed as his present housekeeper was robbing him blind. Why only last week he had bought a quarter pat of butter, a rasher of bacon, a tomato and a slice of bread and here it was only Wednesday of this week and it was all gone. Now, answer me this, how did such a thing happen when he had hardly eaten a morsel since the Tuesday before last? No doubt about it the woman had to go. He had harboured suspicions about her ever since finding out that the woman did not possess a bonnet and it being Victorian times any woman not in possession of a bonnet was considered suspect. Dripsnot was very tuned in to moral character and if someone showed the slightest inclination towards a weakness in that direction why then he would have no truck with them.

However, he himself was a man of low morals and high principles which might seem a contradiction in terms but this was the Victorian era after all so it was perfectly possible to reconcile these little differences. In fact, it was just such a little difference that had prevented his marriage to the wealthy Miss Havershag and she the poor woman was so traumatised by her situation that she had gone into a steep decline and just sat in a chair and slowly became covered in cobwebs which Dripsnot had tried to recover taking the view that they belonged to him. He took out an injunction to try to get possession but the judge ruled in Miss Havershag’s favour. Dripsnot had his suspicions aroused, and, let me tell you, his suspicions weren’t the only thing, but as far as Miss Havershag and the judge were concerned he thought there was a good chance they had, in fact, had a little liaison. Anyway, Dripsnot was now hell bent on seeking a wife but he did not want a woman who would require a housekeeper, No, indeed the very idea was an abomination and could not be tolerated by a man who gave such unswerving devotion to his money.

He had an idea where he might find just such a woman. A woman who could fulfil all his needs but do not run away with the idea that he was on the lookout for someone who would share his bed as there is no way he would countenance such a thing. No, indeed, the kind of wife he had in mind would be quite content sharing a bed with his dog and that creature being of a generous nature would probably share not only his blanket but also his bone so on that basis the marriage was set fair for many happy years of conducive company with a woman that would cost him very little in the way of a pretty penny and to Dripsnot there was nothing prettier than pennies and they definitely took on an extra special brilliance the more one had of them.

So, he made enquiries and learned of a workhouse where they had a goodly number of young women who were fully trained scrubbers and this was a recommendation he thought most desirable as he was a man who held a deep affection for a clean scullery floor. And so it was that he found himself discussing the matter with the Beadle of a workhouse where scrubbers were being turned out by the dozen fully trained and with little or no appetite so they would obviously prove attractive to one so fond of his pennies.

The Beadle had very kindly had all his potential candidates lined up ready for Dripsnot to cast his eye over. The Beadle didn’t like to enquire where his other eye was as he didn’t feel it was his place though he did wonder why the man had come to view the cream of his crop with just the one eye. He had to ask himself was it so that he could keep an eye out somewhere else? Did he have competition? No, he didn’t think that could be possible. Anyway, Dripsnot started down the line looking for just the one that would suit his needs.

The scrubbers all did a pretty little curtsey in front of him hoping they would be the one chosen but no he carried on still looking until he noticed a young girl stood apart from the rest. He immediately went up to verbalise with her and she too curtseyed very prettily.

“This one…I like this one,” he said.

“No, no you can’t have her…she was on sale or return and by her presence here you will readily appreciate that she has been returned.”

Dripsnot looked more carefully at the girl and the more he looked the more appealing she became. First of all she was very thin, scrawny even, then she had a shock of thick hair and finally her hands were red raw which suggested she was a good scrubber.

“No, this is the one I want. I will take no other.”

“My good sir, you are making a terrible mistake she was returned because she had ideas above her station. She thought she was in a Jane Austin novel would you believe? Her…Jane Austin…why the poor child suffers from delusions and the best part is she thought she was married to D’arcy and was mistress of Pemberley! How mad is that?”

“Oh, I see now why you are concerned Mr Beadle. Would you not consider it a kindness to book her a place in Bedlam?”

“No, she hasn’t got the qualifications for Bedlam. It’s very hard to get in there these days so I have had to look at other lunatic asylums but the fees are astronomical. So I keep her here as an example to the rest.”

“And how has that worked out? Is she a good role model?”

“Oh, yes, I should say. That’s why I don’t really want to part with her.”

“Well, with your permission, I will verbalise with the girl and see what I can elucidate.”

“Oh no, I’ll have none of that elucidating here on these premises, good sir. My girls are not into drugs at all and I only grow a small field with a few plants for no one but myself…just for recreational purposes you understand!”

“Okay well I will just speak with the girl. Come here child, and tell me what is your name?”

“Elsie Scraggit, or, if it should please you sir, I’ll answer to Scraggit if that is what you would prefer.”

“I understand you were sent out on a sale or return basis and that you were returned because you had ideas above your station? Have I a true assessment of the situation?”

“Indeed you do sir, your powers of perception are quite remarkable.”

“Oh, I see what you mean now Mr Beadle she definitely speaks with a Jane Austin voice but I find that rather appealing and it could give a nice touch of irony to many a Dickens story and I feel sure would be of interest to his readers.”

“Have it your own way but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll take her. Now how do you feel about that Scraggit? I have selected you above all these other hopeful candidates and I hope you are suitably grateful.”

“Oh, indeed I am, sir. It is a truth universally acknowledge…”

“Oh, if I had a penny for every time I’ve heard that! All you need to concern yourself with is how you can be mistress of my larder when at the moment my housekeeper is robbing me blind.”

“Is the housekeeper to stay, sir?” “No, indeed she is not. That is why I am raising your status to the extent of allowing you to become my wife.”

“Oh, sir, I never realised you were bestowing such an honour on me a lowly scrubber such as I am.”

“Oh, blimey, Mr Beadle she’s at it again. That Jane Austin has got a lot to answer for, filling a young girl’s head with such convoluted sentences.”

“I did warn you!”

“Yes, but I like a challenge. So child collect your stuff and we’ll be on our way.”

“I have already done so, sir.”

“That was a bit presumptuous.”

“No, good sir, I am in the happy position of owning this bucket and this scrubbing brush and they are the totality of my belongings.”

“Do you know, Beadle, she’s beginning to get on my nerves too.”

“Well, you can’t say…”

“Yes, yes, I heard you. Come along child and as soon as we get to my place of residence you can do battle with the dog and see if you can wrestle his bone away from him so that you can cook us up a bit of supper.”

“Oh, kind sir, I am very fond of dogs.”

“I’m sure, Archibald, my dog, will be very pleased to hear that seeing as you will be sharing his bed.”

“Oh, thank you sir, what an honour to be allowed to sleep with the master’s dog.”

“Yes, I know I’m a victim of my own kind nature but if that is the way to which a person is disposed then there is nothing to be done.”

Once back at his home Dripsnot wasted no time in introducing Scraggit to the dog.

“Now, Archibald, my boy, I want you to make Mistress Scraggit feel at home by allowing her to share your blanket and your bed.”

The dog looked at his master with his sad, plaintive eyes as if to say “Not another one…this is the third one he’s brought home but they always end up back in the pound.  Nevertheless, he hid his true feelings by wagging his tail furiously and ran to fetch his bone.

“There now Scraggit, with the introductions done I am away upstairs and if you waste no time wrestling the bone from Archibald you can set about cooking my supper.”

“Oh, sir, I can’t thank you enough for such a gracious welcome and I will do everything within my power to provide you with a bowl of gruel the likes of which you have never before tasted.”

“If all your answers are to be as long as this, why, a man could die of starvation.” And with that as his parting shot (which missed by the way) he turned on his heel and left the scullery.

Scraggit went towards Archibald with her hand held out steady

“Now then, Archibald, you’ve got a bone to pick with me.”

But with his master gone the dog lost no time in letting this latest ingrate know his true feelings. Every time Scraggit went to take his bone he let out a low warning growl but she didn’t react in the way he expected. No, she didn’t seem frightened at all, she just smiled, yes smiled, at him before saying

“Look Archibald, I know that is your bone but the master has instructed me to turn it into a nourishing gruel which I can do so if you will be so good as to let me carry out the master’s wishes l will see that you get the greater part.”

With that Archibald relented and gave up his bone and went to lie in his bed to await his supper of gruel.

The following week Dripsnot took Scraggit as his wife and they lived happily for a number of years until Dickens got tired of them and consigned them to the scrap heap, and so they became nothing more than a ball of screwed up paper, which was a very sad end for the couple as they had started out with such Great Expectations!

End