We walk through streets empty of all language

Cherry

By stevepoet

Sat, 02 Mar 2013
  • 1626 reads
9 comments
 

We walk through streets empty of all language
and so I say nothing accordingly.
Not looking at you is hard to manage

and I never do these things well. I see
you from the corner of my eye, elsewhere,
turned away, focused peripherally.

There is a clear glass coldness to the air.
The traffic is as it always is – raw
on the senses and evil on the ear,

but this is less important. If you saw
in the reflections from the car windows
my brief glances at you, you might have more

idea. But some things you might never know,
and I will never risk any damage
to the present, the fraction I have now.

Certificate U
Poem
bits
Unclassified

Comments

Submitted by coolibah on
SP Tis a fine draft, meaning conceptually, this, imo. And well worthy of a cherry just to inspire you into bettering it...making it very memorable. Which would take such very little effort. I like this muchly. Ps: I'm more than willing to help. Keen in fact.

Submitted by stevepoet on
Cheers coolibah. What did you have in mind?

Submitted by coolibah on
If you look at the lineations individually (and objectively, mind) you'll note a redundancy between L5 and 6 (corner of the eye is peripheral). Prior this, 'these things' L4 needs singularity... 'I say nothing' L2 qualifies itself sententially with accordingly and then the full stop further disqualifies it be included in 'these things' later... pause them instead perhaps. Too long winded this way... try these: Glass teeth hang within the night air— the traffic is as it always is, at war— raw to the senses, anvils on the ear. The final S I'll leave up to your imagination... but I shall suggest the N beholds/hides a 'fractal of light' within his palm *wink and a nudge* And then I'll offer you this entry also to do with as you wish accordingly... or not: The streets stream Nth and struck of language, so I say nothing Title: White Noise Sonic Booom Thanks for asking and listening.

Submitted by stevepoet on
Thanks for your feedback and ideas, coolibah. It's always helpful to get another pair of eyes looking at things. Poetry is in the eye of the reader (sic). In terms of your suggestions, I've considered them, but they would steer the poem in a way I'm not necessarily looking for. The peripheral focus in L6 is not the same as seeing from the corner of the eye. It is more about watching someone sharply without looking at them. The seeing and the focus are different things. L4's things are plural because the narrator is making a general statement about situations similar to this one, not just referring to this one. It's more conversational, I suppose. Thank you again, though. Good luck and best wishes.

Submitted by Syphon on
Much enjoyed the read SP. Well done on the cherries, Cheers S

Submitted by stevepoet on
Cheers!

Submitted by stevepoet on
Cheers Bear

Submitted by scratch on
I think the stolen glances and reflected images here work very well describing the unspoken words that exist between the two and how this impacts on the relationship that we see. Nice one.

 

Submitted by coolibah on
Ahhhh, a cherry, my friend. Wonderfully done. And bugger too as now I'll need to write my own version without stepping on your beautiful toes rofl