We walk through streets empty of all language
By stevepoet
Sat, 02 Mar 2013
- 1624 reads
9 comments
We walk through streets empty of all language
and so I say nothing accordingly.
Not looking at you is hard to manage
and I never do these things well. I see
you from the corner of my eye, elsewhere,
turned away, focused peripherally.
There is a clear glass coldness to the air.
The traffic is as it always is – raw
on the senses and evil on the ear,
but this is less important. If you saw
in the reflections from the car windows
my brief glances at you, you might have more
idea. But some things you might never know,
and I will never risk any damage
to the present, the fraction I have now.
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Comments
SP Tis a fine draft, meaning
SP
Tis a fine draft, meaning conceptually, this, imo. And well worthy of a cherry just to inspire you into bettering it...making it very memorable. Which would take such very little effort.
I like this muchly.
Ps: I'm more than willing to help. Keen in fact.
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If you look at the
If you look at the lineations individually (and objectively, mind) you'll note a redundancy between L5 and 6 (corner of the eye is peripheral). Prior this, 'these things' L4 needs singularity... 'I say nothing' L2 qualifies itself sententially with accordingly and then the full stop further disqualifies it be included in 'these things' later... pause them instead perhaps.
Too long winded this way... try these:
Glass teeth hang within the night air—
the traffic is as it always is, at war—
raw to the senses, anvils on the ear.
The final S I'll leave up to your imagination... but I shall suggest the N beholds/hides a 'fractal of light' within his palm *wink and a nudge*
And then I'll offer you this entry also to do with as you wish accordingly... or not:
The streets stream Nth and struck
of language, so I say nothing
Title: White Noise
Sonic Booom
Thanks for asking and listening.
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Much enjoyed the read SP.
Much enjoyed the read SP. Well done on the cherries, Cheers S
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I think the stolen glances
I think the stolen glances and reflected images here work very well describing the unspoken words that exist between the two and how this impacts on the relationship that we see. Nice one.
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Ahhhh, a cherry, my friend.
Ahhhh, a cherry, my friend. Wonderfully done.
And bugger too as now I'll need to write my own version without stepping on your beautiful toes rofl
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