Ashes I.P.

I yearn so much to be more than I am, that self of mine that took that other road that led to a death much more remarkable than what I would expect of my current form. The me that took the time to further entangle myself in the stories that caught me in my youth when libraries and bars were similarly appealing, each with its own enticements. The one fulfilled a social need, a hunting ground for soul mates bespectacled, the other an individual need for expansion, the clinging to immortality that was everyday slipping away. I miss the voices of the latter; I wish they haunted me still.

I am simpler now; one thought, one mind. Mine is the world where my most reckless action is shirking responsibilities and ignoring their chains, putting off inevitabilities. I realize now that I might not to be as happy as I once hoped because the time that I once had is swallowed up by today and tomorrows already planned.

I have one love, a few friends and a ceiling that take up most of my free time. The darkness that used to linger in my room, the light that was as big as the moon, have all shrunk to realities unchanging. The morning light is a step in a series of steps that leads down a familiar road, everyday taken. Routine engulfs me and I am freed by the thought of it, unafraid of the uniformity of it.

The mysteries of my life lie dead at my feet. I never wrote that novel that changed my life. I never took up that activity that cultivated my mind. The venturing stopped when I did. There is only one perspective now, one normal adult carrying on one adult life.

All my ideas burned up in my youth. Memories of the past are like minute embers indiscernible to the naked eye, still bright and furious, microscopically holding the hope of rising and joining to reform anew.

I hope for the both of us to be brave enough to ignite even one spark, that you see that me in the corner of my eye or in the curve of my smile.

My love for you, as singular as it is, is an eternal flame, brilliant and constant despite the passage of time. It is upon this fire that I now contemplate, on love that I meditate and in you that my hope grows.

I languish momentarily in the idea that if my grand accomplishment was simply to have loved you the best I could, I would die unremarkably, but satisfied in that unsettled place where my soul resides. I yearn to be the me that has encumbered all of your heart, you that taught me anew to encumber all of mine.

New mysteries abound…motherhood, the true meaning of unconditional love. Miracles unexplained. To love someone else more than I love myself, to tend their flame. It is a wonder to me that the whole world is not ablaze.

I yearn so much to be more than I am, the best, the better, the more resolved me, to have the wisdom to distinguish between the good and the bad ideas, the wisdom to stop staring at yesterdays dreams and take back my tomorrows with the power that that brings. It is in that spirit that I write, in that spirit that I live.

So here’s to me…and to you, who have risen above contemplating on the ashes of our dead dreams. The universe would be incomplete without your light. Don’t be afraid to shine at your brightest and light the way for all those that come after you.