19

Okay, so, he began hesitantly. I'm afraid I

have moved out of that room, our room in a way.

I did it over the course of last week - people were amused

watching me bringing out of there thing after thing. I was amazed

I still have so much stuff - though, I have downsized and

there is an awful lot of stuff in the car waiting to go to the tip - papers

mostly but I think I will get rid of two of my filing cabinets, as I can now

as I am throwing out so much of the past. I'm still in the process

of that

and have found some quite interesting

ideas

that

I was working on in the past and that I had forgotten about and that I feel I have kind of

suffused

my life

with since

and things

that I would like to pick up on and work on

further ….

Why did I leave it?

Well,

for many reasons really.

 

I was finding it very difficult to achieve

more than a shallow sleep in there

at night

or at any time. I was starting to feel

tireder

and tireder. Also,

the room seemed very full of ghosts - ghosts of the past

and ghosts of you. Each time,

I would open the door to go in there, and it would make that kind of squish noise that it does, and there was a part of me that half-expected

to see you there, perhaps lying on or in the bed, in various states … . There

was a part of me that

would remember those times when you were here, but

I'd feel that sadness when you weren't there,

in there,

 

 but about your business somewhere else, cooking

or reading or harvesting, and me

wondering whether to try and find

you …

somewhere or leave

you

in peace to be

with

yourself. I still

 

have all your notes saying where you are or

asking me where I was - I love them - I

shall always keep them into my old oldest old age. But,

I don't mean to make you feel bad - you can't help the power

of your

being and

the level of

spirit

that you leave

behind you. I should have coped - but I didn't. Also, I was starting to go

a bit crazy. I was starting to feel disconnected

within

and without

myself and starting

more and more

to be not …

in control … inner feelings, ideas and thoughts.

I got a soul … -ishness but I'm not a souldier. Annie

noticed and told me

I was going crazy. So,

I

thought

I

must deal with this and I felt within me strongly that being in that room with all that past and never being able to go out of the room without people constantly asking me questions and asking me to do things, and never managing to forget about the work side of things here, and slipping into a kind of paralysis with the work and sitting at the desk in the office unable to get much done and constantly needing to smoke, with everything just piling up more and more. The only solution I could see was to get out of there,

though

also

Angst noticed I was struggling and

got me to operate in a calmer and more measured and

methodical

way. So,

yes,

I have moved. It's the little room opposite the greenhouse, next door to Sir Hugh's, who

is my new neighbour. Okay,

it's not easy here - there are bed bugs … were. or fleas or something, which

I am trying to get rid of and I am being bitten to death, well,

 I have been - don't worry I won't come to you in

this state - I wouldn't want to infect anyone

else's world into this state. I hope to have it finally sorted

… . Currently, I am covered

in sores from bites - yeach. Apples fall

onto the roof in the night with a divine thump. There

may be the scuttle of the odd rat in the middle of the night from their store

room above my head, and it's a nightmare in the middle of the night

trying to

get all the way to the bathroom in the Cottage, but I can

sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and get in

and out of here to the outside

world … no having to field all sorts of people and all their

issues,

and it's so nice to be close

to

where you led me

around

the vegetable

garden – pale shades of sun behind the eyes …

showing me

everything 

 

BUT, I always think back, will think back

to our room,

Room 19