Let's move on. Immediately.

Eating for two are we? Ha ha!

How are you feeling? Gosh, you’re getting so big! I’ve not seen you for a week and you’ve got huge in that time. Does it feel weird? Hiya fatty! She’s pregnant. Same difference. How are you feeling?

Eating for two are we? Ha ha! Are you having any funny cravings?

How are you feeling? Oh, she’s getting emotional. You’re at that stage where it’s not clear if you’re pregnant or just been on the beer a bit too much! It’s obvious that you’re pregnant but you’re still totally in proportion. I’m afraid not, we only have maternity clothes online. You’re going to have to get a bigger work shirt. She’s not fat by the way she’s just pregnant! Ha ha!

Eating for two are we? Ha ha! How are the cravings coming along?

How are you feeling? Have a glass of wine, it’ll be fine! Your bum’s the same; your boobs are the same. You’re huge! Those hormones must be flying around! You haven’t put on any weight; it’s just your tummy. He’s going to be a big lad! I just did it with gas and air. It’s like being ripped in two. You’ve still got your skinny wee legs. Your trousers are getting a bit tight now. You need to go on a diet, ha ha! You don’t look pregnant. It must feel really alien. My feet were swollen the whole time. Go online and you can view our maternity range there.

Eating for two are we? Ha ha! Pickle and ice cream sandwich?!

How are you feeling? Hi Big Mama! Congratulations! And here was me thinking you’ve just been eating too many pies! How are we, Mummy? It’s pain like you’ve never imagined. Oh my God, look how big you are! I wanted to die. And how’s Mum today? Let’s play ‘fatty or pregnant’. Not in store no, but we have lots of lovely maternity clothes online. I didn’t see you there. Oh come on, you can hardly miss her! Your body’s going through so many changes. Can you manage the stairs? Oh, you’re wearing the comfy trousers! She put on loads of weight, not that you’ve put on weight; I mean you can tell that you’re pregnant, it’s just a bump, it’s not that you’ve put on weight; do you know what I mean?

Eating for two? Ha ha! Are you eating any weird food combinations?

How are you feeling? Have a pint. She’s pregnant. Have half a pint then. I tore and needed nine stitches. You’re huge. You’ve still got two months left? No but I can show you our online maternity range if you like? The first two weeks after the birth are the worst but it gets better. Mine cried all the time. Bloody hell, have you not had your flu jab?  How’s your pain threshold? Enjoy your freedom while it lasts, ha ha!  Have you any names picked out or do you not want to say? I wouldn’t choose that name. Is your man still drinking? I’d hate that. Hormones! Here comes Mama! Eat as much as you like but within reason. You’re really starting to show now. I was sick for the whole nine months. You must be knackered. Do you feel any different? Are you nervous about the birth? It’ll have to come out some way! Can you be bothered picking things up or do you want me to do it? I’m just asking cos I don’t want to annoy you. Are you going to the gym? You do know that you’re mobility is really restricted if you have an epidural? My God, you’ve ballooned!

Eating for two are we? Ha ha! Your appetite is huge!

How are you feeling? Some people were made to have boys. I didn’t think you’d fit through the door but you’re not that bad. Are you hungry? Don’t start Slimming World. You slept on your right side? Is that not dangerous? You won’t know what’s hit you. I’m counting your toilet visits, Mrs! Your life will never be the same again. Do you miss drinking? Don’t get upset. I hope you’re working on your pelvic floors! Your first birth is always the worst. Inhaaaale. Exhaaaale. Take any drug that’s offered to you. Diamorphine will affect the baby. I thought you’d want to go natural? You really have to persevere with breast feeding. I didn’t get any stretch marks. I’ll give you this advice: make him feel loved. I was huge; you’re not really that big are you? It must be a boy, the bump is really high. I didn’t really gain much weight. You’ll always love him. Some people just don’t bond with their baby. Have you thought about hypno-birthing? You should only eat foods that are high in sugar and fat every now and then. Your bump is very neat. Remember to exfoliate your boobs, I didn’t and now they’re covered in stretch marks. Stretch marks can’t be prevented. Not here no, we only sell maternity clothes online but try Top Shop. Eating again? I wouldn’t want to know the sex. If you stay calm, everything will be fine.

Eating for two are we? Ha ha!

I like your bump. Thank you.