Sort Your Life Out!
By jolono
- 8248 reads
You’re a lady, but a baby and those pills just make you crazy.
You’re a user, self abuser, a fifty seven year old cougar.
You’re a coke head, a drop dead, a whore that frequents my bed.
You’re not working, you’re shirking, you embarrass me by twerking.
You’ve got falsies, tell porky’s, take your lap dog out for walkies
You wear hold ups and push ups, but your life is full of fuck ups.
You’ve got thinner, eat your dinner, this new “diets” not a winner.
You’ve got problems, so solve em, don’t expect me to dissolve them
You’re older, should be bolder, take your head off my fucking shoulder!
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Comments
A brilliantly sharp, hard,
A brilliantly sharp, hard, cocky, witty, grit filled rap. Only a few lines. Felt like I'd been run down by a train at the end of it. Really impressed.
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close call, on your shoulder,
close call, on your shoulder, she should be bolder.
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Break-neck pace and assured
Break-neck pace and assured conviction. Well done. You're so bloody versatile STOP IT! Lol!
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I loved to tone of this. My
I loved to tone of this. My favourite line is, 'You've got thinner,' - I can imagine her expecting a complement, then, 'eat your dinner.' squashes it completely. Very much enjoyed. One for you to read out loud, I think.
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Nice one! Congratulations
Nice one! Congratulations on the pick of the day Jolono.
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green? They are GOLD cherries
green? They are GOLD cherries. Loved this one Joe, and hopefully it isn't based on real life. Def one to read aloud (in a shouty voice)
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You do feel like you've been
You do feel like you've been run over by a train when you've read this!
Noah
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Clever double strand to this
Clever double strand to this narrative. Use of the word 'whore' and potentially domestic abusive language in critique of the woman linked to external pressures of societal norms to follow the ideal of eternal youth in self and others (cougar) is contained and diffused within the narrator's self referential '...but your life is full of fuck ups' An alternative perspective on what otherwise could have been read as a misogynistic rant. Good writing.
Lxx
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Deserves all its accolades,
Deserves all its accolades, and more, jolono. Very much enjoyed
Tina
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This is great. I'd love to
This is great. I'd love to hear you read it at an ABCTales evening!
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Um, er I think the woman's
Um, er I think the woman's sort of 'interesting' and lively for her age although I'm not sure about the coke (pepsi's better) but does the narrator want her or not? There's a song by U2 'With or without you' maybe it's like that for the guy in the poem Elsie
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Hi Jolono, I hope your well.
Hi Jolono, I hope your well.
Brilliant, wished I had done it that sharp lolol. loved it well done on cherries, you really deserve them!!!
take care
Keep Smiling
Keep Writing xxx
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