Foster Speaking How May I Help?

Foster Speaking!  How May I Help?                   1324 words

“Good Morning, Eugenics Electricals.   Foster speaking, How may I help?

You bought a computer on Saturday and it isn’t working? You’ve just got a blank screen?  I see. Have you checked the power supply?  Yes, you’ve got a table lamp on so you know the power is working.  Okay, is it a wireless mouse you’re using?  It is.  So have you checked the batteries? You have.  Okay, what about your keyboard, have you checked the batteries for that? You have.  Have you pressed the little red button on the underneath of your keyboard?  You have.  I see.  When you say blank screen…have you got anything…well, such as a screensaver?  No screensaver.  Have you got a white background with margins and things round the sides?  No things round the sides.  No white background!  Is the screen white?  Not white.  Okay, we’re narrowing things down now I think.  Is the screen black? Ah ha it’s black.  Now we’re getting somewhere.  You say you’ve checked the power supply?  Oh yes, you said the electricity was definitely on because you’ve got a little table lamp switched on.  Well, I’m afraid it’s got me stumped. I think I’ll have to pass you over to  technical support.  No, there’s no need for that I can connect you from here. Just a moment, please.

Melanie, Switch this call over to the tech guys please.  This customer has got trouble with a computer he bought on Saturday.

“Technical Support.  Frazer speaking.  How may I help?  You bought a computer on Saturday but it isn’t working.  I see.  What exactly is the problem?  Nothing’s working?  Nothing at all.  Right let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start… Sorry about that but I watched The Sound of Music last night.  I’m a sucker for the musicals…just don’t get me started.  Anyway, back to your problem, now then, How Do We Solve a Problem like Maria?  Oh, sorry Maria’s not the problem, is she?  Maria, Maria, I’ve just met a girl named Maria.  Oh, do stop you mustn’t keep reminding me of songs from the musicals.  Hello, hello, is it me you’re looking for?” Are you still there?  Oh, you are how wonderful a sound can be…  Now then, to get back to your problem, have you checked you’ve got power?  You have.  What’s that?  You’ve got a very nice plastic tiffany style table lamp you bought from the Pound shop and it’s switched on.  Okay, so we’ve established you’ve got no taste but that’s good if the lamp’s working you have definitely got power so we’ve established that too.  Now are you using wireless peripheries…well such as a mouse?

No, no, there’s no need to go out and buy traps.  No but although they are wireless they do need batteries.  You’ve checked the batteries?  You have.  What about the keyboard?  Well, have you checked that’s got batteries?  That’s got batteries.  Okay, have you pressed the little red button underneath your keyboard?  You have.  Okay, so when you say you’ve got nothing on your screen, it’s completely blank.  Oh, okay, so no screensaver?  No screensaver.  What about a white square with margins and things round the outside?  No white square…no things round the outside.  Tell me, is the screen black.  It is.  You’ve got trouble my friend, right here in River City.  Oh, take no notice I can’t get song lyrics out of my head.  What’s that you say…You can’t get no satisfaction…Rolling Stones, am I right?  Oh, you mean you can’t get no satisfaction.  Well, I’m sorry to hear that.   Have you tried a sex therapist?  Oh, you don’t mean that kind of satisfaction.  

Okay, I’m going to have to get really technical here so what I would like you to do is to look under your computer desk, I’m assuming that you have one…yes, good.  Now can you see anything on the floor?  You can and is it attached to your computer by a wire or as we like to call them in the trade a flex?  Right then what you will need to do is find the box that the computer came in and put the computer and everything else that went with it inside the box and bring it back to the store.  Am I recalling it because it has a serious fault?  No, I’m recalling it because I think you are too stupid to use it.”

“Good Morning, Eugenics Electricals, Foster speaking, how may I help?  You bought a what?  From this store?  Are you sure?  No, it’s just that I didn’t know we sold them.  And you’re sure it was this store…that you bought it from.  Just a moment madam, I will have to check with my team leader.

Jeremy, may I approach…Why, well if you will allow me to approach I will tell you.

I have a customer on the phone who says she bought a sandwich maker from us and it doesn’t make sandwiches.  She says she put two slices of bread in and some grated cheese and a spoonful of brown pickle and it’s still just how she put it in.  I asked her that already.  Oh, okay, I’ll ask her that.  Madam, have you switched the machine on?  Well try that then come back to us if you are still having problems.”

Good afternoon, Eugenics Electricals, Foster speaking, how may I help?  Last year you bought a cooker from us and it has backfired and has burnt what off?  One of the knobs that controls the rings!  Yes, I can see that would be awkward but it sounds like you had the temperature too high so no I’m afraid your knob will not be covered by our guarantee.

Good afternoon, Eugenics Electricals, Foster speaking, how may I help?  One of our fitter’s is working in your kitchen and he’s got a huge tool that vibrates and your wife says she can’t take it any more as she is pregnant.  So what do you want us to do, sir, tell him to put his tool away.

Good afternoon, Eugenics Electricals, Foster speaking, how may I help?  Your lavatory seat is broken and you can’t get Mastermind on BBC2.  I’m very sorry to hear that. Can you get the Jeremy Kyle show?  Yes.  Then I shouldn’t worry as that is a more erudite programme.   As for the lavatory seat that is quite a different problem.  No, I’m sorry I’m not sure where you stand with that one as it is not one of ours.   

Good Afternoon, Eugenics Electricals, Foster speaking, how may I help?  You spoke to me earlier about your sandwich maker.  I see.  You want to bring it back because you have decided it’s quicker to do it manually.  Very well, if you return it in its original packaging then we will give you a full refund.  What you’ve thrown the box away but we can keep the sandwich that’s still inside.  How very kind but I don’t think my team leader will accept the item back for a refund if it is not in its original packaging.  What’s that, yes it might well be mature cheddar but my team leader is the Grande Fromage round here and what he says goes.

Good afternoon, Eugenics Electricals, Foster speaking, how may I help?  You bought a washing machine for your father and he has leaked all over the floor.  Oh, I beg your pardon, it, has leaked all over the floor.  So what exactly is the problem?  Your father slipped and hurt his ankle badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.  Was the hole caused by the washing machine?  No, then I’m afraid the hole in his back passage is not our responsibility.  Thank you for shopping with Eugenics Electricals.

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