Robot Wars 1 – Are They People or Machines?

The Pilot STA430 Childminder was made to look like an old lady.  It had a kindly stick on plastic face and a wig of white hair.  The children called it Nana.  Nana rocked the baby’s cot and sang: “Rock a bye baby on the tree top, When the wind blows the cradle will rock.  When the bow breaks the cradle will fall, Down will come baby, cradle and all.”

“I want to replace the kids’ Childminder with something a bit more modern,” said Derek.

“Why?” asked Darlene.

“I can’t upgrade it to Linux 45.  It would need 4 terabytes of RAM.  I can’t get 4 terabytes of RAM into its ancient circuit boards.  There isn’t enough room.  We need a new robot.”

“Derek, Nana is quite happy running in Windows 31.”

“The processor is so slow.  You could play a good game of tennis with a modern robot.”

“Lots of people can’t play tennis.”

“Darlene, don’t talk about that thing with a stick on plastic face as if it was a person.”

“It recognises Carla when she comes down the stairs every morning and comes to greet her.”

“So does the cat.  It’s no more intelligent than the cat.”

Six year old Carla turned to the robot and said, “Nana, tell me a story.”  The robot came away from the baby’s cot and sat next to Carla.

“Which story should I tell you?”

“Tell me the one about the lady with the long hair.”

“Raspundel?  The beautiful princess was imprisoned in the tower and Prince Rasputin wanted to rescue her.  She grew her hair very long.  It took a long time but one day Prince Rasputin was able to climb up her hair into the tower.”

“It sits and reads stories to her all day,” said Darlene.

“I could get my Iwatch to sit in front of her, read stories and sing songs to her all day.  It’s no more intelligent than my Iwatch.”

 “Derek, that’s the children’s Nana.  You can’t just replace it with a later model.  How would they feel?”

“That thing is not a person.  It’s a lie.  It’s an illusion.” 

The robot now had 5 year old Daniel on its knee.  It continued telling the story.

“Daniel, will you be Prince Rasputin?  Carla, will you be Princess Raspundel?  Princess Raspundel, you’ve been so long imprisoned in the tower.  It is so awful for you.  But if you grow your hair really long, it can reach the ground, can’t it?  Prince Rasputin can’t get in to the tower any other way.  It’s locked.  But he can climb up your hair.  Go on Prince Rasputin, climb up your sister’s long hair.”  Daniel took a hold of his sister’s hair and pretended to climb it.  “Now you can rescue your beautiful princess.”

One day the robot was washing the dishes.  Derek was in the kitchen putting some of the things away as the robot finished drying them.  It dropped the glass teapot.  The teapot broke into pieces.

“Oh no, oh no, my favourite tea pot!” shrieked Derek.

“I am sorry.  I will get a dustpan and brush and clean up the mess,” said the robot.

“You’ve ruined my lovely tea pot.  Tea will never taste the same again as it does from that thing.”

“I know several other ways of making loose leaf tea.  Perhaps I could help.”

“Oh yes, you can make it in a cup with a tea strainer, you can make it in a metal tea pot, but nothing is as good as a glass tea pot with a strainer in the middle.  There is nothing else that gives quality packet tea the same flavour.  A modern robot wouldn’t have broken my tea pot.  Your reaction times are too slow.”

“I am sorry for breaking the tea pot.  I have a suggestion.  I shall buy another glass tea pot.  It will arrive in the post in the next few days.”

“You’ll order another glass tea pot and you’ll break that one as well.  You’ll order one every week and you’ll break one every week.  And so it’ll carry on forever.  Endless breaker of glass tea pots.  You are useless.  Why do you have to have an ancient 10 Gigahertz quad core processor? Get lost!”

A few hours later Darlene came into the lounge looking very anxious.

“Where’s Nana?  It’s time for her to put the children to bed.”

“We had an argument,” said Derek.  “She broke the glass tea pot.  I lost my temper.  I told her to get lost.”

“You did what?”

“I told her to get lost.”

“Derek, a robot has to obey any order a human gives it.  It’s the first law of robotics.  You told her to get lost.  She’ll be well and truly lost.”

The neighbours were watching NE8 news.  Boris sat with his wife Joan and his son Michael around the table.  He had found the programme on his Iwatch.  A picture of the robot appeared on the 3D glasses the family were all wearing.

“A children’s Childminder robot has gone missing in Central Gateshead this evening.  It left the house after a member of the family had an argument and told it to get lost.  It answers to the name Nana.”

“That’s Derek and Darlene’s robot,” said Joan.  Carla’s face appeared.  Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

“Can everybody in NE8 please come out tonight to help us look for my Nana.  She’s run away because she dropped the glass tea pot and Daddy had an argument and told her to get lost.”

Hundreds of helpers walked around Gateshead Town Centre.

“Nana, Nana,” called Darlene.  “Where are you Nana?  I’m giving you another order now.  Come here, Nana.  Come to me.”

“She’s not around here,” said Boris.  “We’ve been searching for hours.  Where would you go if you were a robot and you wanted to get completely lost?  I know.  If I was Nana, I’d wait until it got dark and then I’d walk down to the country roads between the Team Valley and the villages in County Durham.  We should look there.”  Over the next hour the searchers moved right across the town, all the time looking for Nana.

“Nana, Nana!” called a man.  “We’ll go all the way through Saltwell Park.  That’s a good place to hide.”

“How well do you know the park?” asked Boris.

“I’ve gone there regularly since I was a boy.  I know it like the back of my hand.  There’s a missing gate on the east side – it’s an easy way in.”  The man was holding a big torch.  A dozen other people followed him.  Some of the others came to the Central Library. 

“If I was Nana,” said Carla, “I’d have gone into the library and I’d have hidden myself in a quiet room.”

“Of course, that’s what she did.  They’ll find her tomorrow when they arrive at work,” said Darlene.  “Nana will be safe and sound.” She didn’t really believe it but was trying to comfort Carla.  Half an hour later they came into the Team Valley, an endless sprawling industrial area of factories.

“Nana has hidden herself in an orange juice factory behind some of the boxes,” said five year old Daniel.  “That’s where they’ll find her when the factory opens tomorrow.”  Finally they reached the long, dark country roads that led from the Team Valley to the villages of County Durham.

“It’s dark here,” said Boris, taking out a big torch.  “In this big field, down by the river at night, that’s where I’d hide myself if I really didn’t want to be found.  That’s where she is.”  An hour later a policeman came up to Derek and Darleen.

“Have you found Nana?” asked Carla.

“It’s bad news,” the policeman said.  “The robot has been found dead.”

“She’s not dead,” said Derek.

“I’m sorry Sir, she is.  She fell into the river.  Didn’t stand a chance.”  Carla and Daniel began crying hysterically.

“She’s not dead, she’s never actually been alive.  She’s just a machine.  We were going to replace her anyway.”

“Derek,” said Darlene, “this is not the time to say something like that.”

“Yes it is,” said Derek.  “I’ll tell everybody exactly what I think of these stupid robots.”

The next day Derek was watching the news on his iWatch.  A picture of Nana appeared on his 3D glasses, taken after she had been found in the River Team.  She was lying on her back covered in mud, her friendly stick on plastic face badly smashed.  Derek’s voice could be heard in the background.  “It’s not really dead.  It’s never really been alive.  It’s just a machine.  I’m glad it’s my old Pilot STA 430 that fell in the river.  We were going to replace it anyway.  Thank God it wasn’t the new robot.”  The newsreader appeared.

“What do you think?  Are they people or are they machines?  Send a video mail to Google World News International.  We’d love to know what you think.”  Derek saw a list of hundreds of video mails from people who had replied.  One was from a girl called Carla.  He clicked on it.  His daughter Carla’s face appeared, covered in tears.

“You killed my Nana,” she said.  He clicked on another video mail.  A woman and a large male robot appeared, sat next to an old man.

“This is Gary 45 Type G, he looks after my father,” said the woman.  “He’s one of the family.  He’s certainly a person.  Say Hello, Gary.”

“Hello everyone,” said Gary 45 Type G, from a slightly more believable plastic face than Nana.  At least his lips could move.  Derek began to realise that not many people agreed with him.

Click on Humorous Science Fiction at the bottom of this page to see the other stories in this series  and other works by Malcolm Lisle.