Asleep

I try and see how long I can hold my breath for, and counting the seconds stops me blubbing when I'm really scared. More than anything, I'm afraid for myself; not that he'll harm me - he never actually hurts me. What scares me the most is that I won't know what to do if he kills her, and he will, I'm sure. But what can a ten-year-old do if she hears her stepdad murdering her mother in the middle of the night? I don't know why, but for some reason, I hate her right now. I want to cry, but they mustn't know I'm awake. That's why I'm holding my breath and counting with my face pressed into my pillow incase I accidentally let out a sound.  

He snarls like a cartoon monster, growling, 'Is this what you want - is it? Is it, Bitch?' And she's like, trying to keep it low (for me) - a whispered screech - 'No, no... I'm sorry. Please Jack, shush - please...' And then they start banging and crashing about and she cries out. She's always crying  - screaming backwards, and trying to be quiet at the same time. It doesn't work though, not when there's someone pretending to be asleep on the other side of the wall. Me.

It's dark in my room at the back of the house and their racket fills up my ears. Even when I pull the pillow over my head, the yells of anger and terror won't go away. And I don't want them to - I have to hear it all enough to be sure those nutters are staying out of my room, but I want to turn the volume down, so I stick my fingers in my ears and then it's like I'm underwater and my heart starts joining in like I'm running hard but not going anywhere. 

I want my dad. If Jack kills Mum, even by accident, what am I supposed to do if I'm the one that finds her? I decide not to go into her room in the morning. If she's not up, I'll just get dressed and go straight to school on my own. She's crying now, and he's yelling 'SHUT THE BLEEP UP!' She's desperately trying to shush him again but the sh comes out in judders like a machine gun - like she's laughing, or shaking because of all the crying and trying not to. And now their headboard is hitting my wall with Jack panting like a dog from the effort. I count four last loud bangs before he lets out a strangley grunt that sounds as if he's had a heart attack, and then it goes quiet. Maybe they're both dead.

Another twenty seconds and suddenly Jack's hissing like a snake, 'Lin, wake up - I know you're faking...' SLAP! Then he shouts, 'Ok. Have it your way, I'm going to sleep.' I realise I've stopped counting and start up again from one. By a hundred and eleven he's snoring like a pig and even though I think she might be dead, I feel relieved it's all stopped. I'm really tired and at some point I fall asleep and wake up, what feels like seconds later to the sound of clanking plates clattering in the kitchen and the kettle is boiling. I have a quick wash and get dressed, and when I brush my teeth, my face looks white in the mirror and my eyes are all puffy again.

Mum's making toast, and I don't want to look at her in case she guesses I heard anything in the night, but then she turns round and hands me a slice of buttered toast like nothing's wrong and asks me if I'd like a cup of tea. I don't mention her fat mouth, or the black eye with a split at the edge that looks like it might come unzipped at any moment and let her eye drop out and hang by it's strings onto her bruised cheek. She looks disgusting, but neither of us say anything about it. I tell her I want milk and ask if I can stay at my dad's tonight and she says yes, because she feels guilty about getting beaten up again, but she doesn't like it that I keep wanting to stay with Dad and not her. But how can I tell her that I'm too young to know what to do if I find her dead? I can't tell anyone; it's just another thing I have to keep to myself.