When The Boxes Open

Cherry

By jolono

Tue, 09 Dec 2014
  • 4902 reads
18 comments
 

A short in under 250 words.

He’s seven and his young brain soaks up everything like a heavy duty j cloth.

He sees things. Things he doesn’t understand. Things that go into little boxes and are tucked away in dark places inside his head.

Like his hero, his dad, getting ready to go out on a Saturday night dressed in his new made to measure suit and large black Crombie overcoat that he wears with pride. Yet Mum always gets her clothes from the local charity shop.

Like his hero’s temper that flares up when Mum asks what time he’ll be back so that she can have his tea ready. And the quickness of his hand when she says it once too often.

Like the way his hero buys him a packet of crisps and tells him to sit in the corner and be quiet while he attends to business.

Like the money his hero slips into the hand of a skinny man who winks and gives him small plastic bags in return.

Like the way his hero punches a man in the face and kicks him when he’s on the floor for saying the words “ I don’t have the money tonight.”

Like his hero kissing a drunken woman outside the pub at the end of the night while Mum stays indoors with the two girls. Girls his hero calls “the bitches offspring.”

He’s now twenty four, married with a young son and the boxes have come out of the darkness and are beginning to open.

Certificate 15
Story
Strange Life Tales
Other Fiction

Comments

Submitted by Bee on

Brilliant, Jolono. There is so much in these few words of insidious detail. By now, he knows everything he needs to know to be 'a man'. Skillfully told so that every word counts, leading to a stunning conclusion. 

Bee

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

So chilling, this may be a very short story but you use word economically to create a vivid picture.  The build to the end to relentless and increasingly disturbing.

Submitted by celticman on

soaks up everything like a sponge is cliched, Delete the sponge bit or use a butchery metaphor eg HIs brains soaks up things like a cow soaks up bovine spongifom encephalophy, which is more words, which defeats the purpose. Mad or what? I liked this. Apart from the mad bit at the begining. 

 

Submitted by jolono on

Thank you Bee. Trying a few shorts. Max 300 words. Going to do one a week. Appreciate the comments.

 

Submitted by jolono on

Hi Philip Sidney, glad you liked it.

 

Submitted by jolono on

Thanks for the read Noo, I actually started this off with the last line in my head.

 

Submitted by jolono on

You're right CM. It was too cliched. But I was being lazy, had time to think now and hope the new first line is better!

 

Submitted by jolono on

Wasn't happy with blood sucking leech so went for heavy duty j cloth!

 

Submitted by celticman on

better but I'd suggest J-cloth. 

 

Submitted by jolono on

Hi CM, Correct on the capital J. But no hyphen.

 

Submitted by VeraClark on

The 'like his' repetition lulls you into the abuse and creates a really powerful rhythm of mental repression splitting open. Your box metaphor is a stunner.

 

Submitted by celticman on

no hyphen. It's a learning process. Wipe that remark. 

 

Submitted by jolono on

Thanks Vera, had that running about in my head for ages. 

 

Submitted by Shannan on

... and the one generation begets another generation... until one, maybe this one can find a greater, truer, unconditional love to clean out the box and fill it with love and things of beauty, and that the holder of the boxes is brave enough to let them be cleaned and filled with better things so that the next generation doesn't continue to suffer ...

My brain totally went to this poem (My Papa's Waltz) when I read your piece: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/172103

Festive season blessings to you & yours j 

 

Submitted by jolono on

Bless you Shannan. Love to you and all of your family at this time.

 

Submitted by Shannan on

Thanks j ... cyber hugs

 

Submitted by Sooz006 on

Nice one Jo, love the last line. Classic case of we are what they make us and then  we infuse the next generation. Bad begets bad--good begets good. Beautifully told. 

 

Submitted by jolono on

Thanks Sooz, yes I think they call it "learned behaviour" and some people just can't seem to stop themselves falling into the same old pattern. Thanks for the read and the nice words. Hope you're okay.