Loathsome (Poetry Monthly)

Gold cherry

By Philip Sidney

Thu, 11 Jun 2015
  • 6999 reads
30 comments
 

Speech is difficult

words swell in my throat

become a glob of thick phlegm

that obstructs breath

heaves into my mouth, fills

then falls

green and slithering

into the grass as

toad, viper, frog -

they mean something

as they writhe

coldly

over my bare feet

 

I am as these creatures -

no longer touched by the revulsion

of others

I am shunned

by that strange

life of manners

that would have me silent

absent

rather than witness

the loathsome truth

that I must speak

 

honeyed words

falling

diamonds and pearls

from the mouth

of that one called

sister

meant nothing to me then

or now

 

I find I become more

myself

walking amongst trees

lying on the earth

touch

my primary sense

the rough language of bark

the sharpness of thorns

who knew plants could speak?

they whisper to me

as they breathe

 

I eat

when chance offers 

the life of another -

fly, flower even

frog -

offspring of my own muddied thoughts -

all have passed between my lips

slipped

into my mouth

 

I am used to the

throb of final existence

upon 

my tongue

 

I am thin

limbs like sapling

blood moves slowly

through raised blue veins

on hands like the underside of a leaf

no longer mine

 

there is comfort to be found

in moss and mud and

the eloquence

of birds.

Certificate PG
Poem

Comments

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Please give critical feedback. : )

Submitted by Art of the Diver on

I'm quite taken back by your structure in this piece Philip it seems such an extreme change of style, yet one held together with those powerful and evocative tried and true bones of the poet. For me, this:

"I am used to the

throb of final existence

upon

my tongue"

was the perfect bow to use to tie the rest of the poem into place and thus set the stage for an excellent finale. Nicely composed yet again [virtual pat on the same bruised spot] Philip

Rob

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Rob, you are very kind. I think I was structuring it according to the patterns of the character's voice as I heard it (toads and all).  :-)

Submitted by Art of the Diver on

Yes, well done then... a "Riv-vett"-ing piece. yes

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

I am sure some critical feedback will be along in a bit, in the meantime, this is wonderful!

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you insert, it's such a great theme!

Submitted by Bee on

It is wonderful. Not a criticism, but I was looking hard because you asked us to and with a great effort at nit picking, I thought that in this line - 'the sharp piercing of thorns' - 'sharp' might not be needed. It might be, though. I just felt like patting myself on the back for the discovery of a superfluous word in such a polished poem. Well done me??? 

Bee

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Bee! I think you are right, the two words together are unnecessary.  I need to have a think about either, 'the sharpness of thorns' or 'the piercing of thorns', not sure which yet.

Submitted by EB on

I thought it was good.

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

smiley

Submitted by VeraClark on

Philip, a marvellous poem. Have read it over and over, feels crafted to precision. The speech transformation is a repulsively attractive image, phlegmy reptiles all over the feet, cold and spewed up.  Composition wise it's flawless. Exciting that you use one word lines in places - provides intonation and an animation all of its own. What were you listening to - an audio story?

Tiny tweaks I considered: Could you remove the 'as' and make it just 'diamonds and pearls'? It feels more of a statement than a comparative. Wouldn't interrupt your pattern dramatically.

'who knew that plants speak?'  I felt it fitted your voice theme and was tidier

'almost without flesh' Know exactly what you mean but 'almost' didn't crystallise the image in my head. I can't suggest a substitute as still thinking.

Hope suggestions help rather than hinder, reject what irritates. Poet knows best. What a gem. 

 

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you so much Vera!  Really helpful suggestions, I'm going to give it an edit.  So pleased you like it.  Just love the fairytale theme, so much material for exploration there!  I wasn't listening to an audio, I just felt very close to the character. 

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Hi Philip. Maybe remove out from breathe out? Not sure about using eloquence for birds. Something closer to chatter or music maybe? Eloquence suggests strength or effective construction of argument. Apologies if that is what you have in mind.

Sparing yet strong piece.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Good idea!  Thanks PT :) I got rid of out, I'll keep the eloquence though, thanks again. smiley

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Sorry Philip. I was editing it as you replied.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

smiley

Submitted by love_writing on

I have been attempting to comment all day on this! Have read and re-read it and find something more to take in each time..I'm kind of in awe!

 It has a suitably haunting theme with the visual descriptions of the slithering toads, writhe coldly on bare feet- and the rough lanuage of bark is such a fantastic line! I am at odds to find anything I can suggest to enhance it- the only tiny thing I thought was in the last stanza-

'in mud and moss and'   it may flow better    'in mud, moss and'..

Please disregard if you prefer the former- just my humble opinon, I thought it was excellent!

love_writing

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

What lovely comments, thanks LW. I'll have a think about the 'and ' I put in for rhythm but the other may be better,I'll run it through my head a few times. smiley

Submitted by VeraClark on

I am thin limbs like sapling   love love love.

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

smileyThanks for your help Vera.

Submitted by VeraClark on

This is our Facebook and Twitter Pick of the Day!

Get a great reading recommendation every day.

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

How lovely!  Thank you. smiley

Submitted by Penny4athought on

I know you wanted critiques but I have read and re-read and can find no critisicm to offer. It was perfectly formed and very well executed. I may be missing grammer corrections as some comments above but I found none that bothered my ear. I think I will read it again....but just because I truly liked it.

Penny4athought

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

That's so nice of you!  Thanks P4T! smiley

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Helen

No chance of getting anything useful from me. I'm no expert in poetry. However, it is a startling poem, the images are very graphic. It's impressive.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thanks Jean, I guess it's rather disgusting.  I think I must have been over involved with the character as I now have a throat infection...

Submitted by Pat G on

It is the sapling suppleness of this poem and the unexpected imagery that whips the reader into a powerful response. A hell of an achievement. Really memorable.

I love best the stark lines such as:

I am shunned

by that strange

life of manners

that would have me silent...

and

I am used to the

throb of final existence

upon 

my tongue

It is hard to make suggestions about such a striking piece of work and I have hesitated for quite a while.

But I would suggest keeping it sapling thin by avoiding phrases that might soften the poem's effect with familiarity, such as:

honeyed words

primary sense

muddied thoughts

 

Looking forward to the next piece...

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Pat, what lovely feedback.. I'll have a think it may be worth losing the adjectives. yes

Submitted by Ed Crane on

You brilliantly portray some thing that has decended into vileness, my immediate thoughts were of Gollum and Emily Rose.

However, my personal choice would be to cut down the number of short one word lines. I am not against this style, I have used it myself, but with this poem I would prefer to see some more chunky stanzas with a little more punctuation, certainly link them with one/two word lines for drama, but not so many.

Also I think you could snip off a few more words, again to add to the impact you are looking for.

If you don't mind I give you an example:

 

Speech is difficult, words swell

in my throat: a glob of thick

phlegm obstructs breath, heaves

into my mouth, fills then falls

green. Slithering into grass

as Toad;

Viper;

Frog.

They mean something

as they writhe over

my cold bare feet.

All in all excellent poem .... liked it!

Ed Crane

 

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Ed!  I really like how your restructuring changes pace and tone, such an interesting thing to play with.  I'm going to come back to this version in a couple of days to have a jiggle around.