Book of Lain (beginning of novel)

By Smitty

Thu, 02 Jul 2015
  • 1135 reads
6 comments
 

The world is in a perpetual fog. We hover, ignore our fellowship, and kiss our drink glass with more committment and care than we do with a lover. We do this for the personality prosthetic it is, the disguise of everything, as much the soldiers lips carressing his trumpet. We lose ourselves and drift away from childish things, intoxicated with lifes interruptions.

When was joy purchased, sold, traded away for banality, for the chains of slavery that so drank our dreams and wishes, our imaginations dry. Why do we look to save our children when our own cowardice stops us in the plea of them to save us all. I want to spin in place again, until I am dizzy. I want to go back and feel the snows as they were. I want to hold my fathers hand, feel its warmth once more, before I knew its poison. I wish for those chidish years , when I knew nothing...and everything. I need the world to be big again, when memories were building and my mind pushed everything aside for play. I want that again, today, without being arrested.

Certificate U
Story
Other Fiction

Comments

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

This sounds interesting, I look forward to reading more.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by Smitty on

Thanks Jenny. Right now I have two novels, with one in second final edit. This is the start of the third. Im trying to roll out peices to gauge change of voice. Truly appreciate when people take time to provide feedback.

Submitted by jolono on

That last sentence sounds like a great hook for something more...

 

Submitted by Bethan Hall on

Hey this sounds like a great start smiley one of the few things I would change is the "a lover" to "our lover" at the start; it sounds more personal that way and follows on from the "our" you used previously in that sentence. Also in the same sentence I'd change "glass" to "glasses", just feel like it reads easier. I don't know if it was maybe your intention in order to create a more dilarious drunken tone but question marks are missing from a few of the sentences that should usually have them. Also it's a pet peeve of mine to not really use elipsises that much, especially out of dialogue, so I'd suggest maybe changing that to a hypthen or changing the sentence so that you have some other way of putting emphasis on the "and everything".

Good luck with writing more of this smiley i look forward to reading more. Think I'm gonna go get me a glass of wine xx

Submitted by Smitty on

Bethan, I truly appreciate your feedback. I have completed the prologue(unedited) and have continued on. I would like to post the complete prologue and would love to have you read it again. Your comments are very helpful.

 

Submitted by Bethan Hall on

Any time smiley I'll keep my eye out for the rest xx