As soon as I find love

As soon as I find love

I try my damnedest

to throw it away

scared it’ll go off in my face.

 

When it doesn’t go off

I lay bricks around it

but when someone gets close

I blow it up.

 

As soon as I find love

I invent awful scenes

from terrible truths

and I know I must lose her.

 

As soon as I find love

I’m a nail-biting teenager

practicing smoke rings

happy with holes.

 

As soon as I find love

I shroud myself in fear

cover myself in pain

digest myself with the shame that

 

I’ll never match up,

I’m just a fill-in,

she must be a nutter

if she likes me.

 

As soon as I find love

I understand pop but then

Colonel Abrams comes on

can’t you see I can’t get out?

 

As soon as I find love

I sing to the birds

and I can’t believe I’ve found it

but when I look up they’re gone.

 

As soon as I find love

I see my failings and foibles

the mountain that needs climbing

if I’m ever to enjoy the view.

 

So how can I tell her I love her

when I don’t even know what it is?

 

Spent feathers drift below a bench

meaningless shreds lit by the sun

and as I lay on the grass with the blame

firmly at her feet

for pretending to love me

I find I’m alone again

and I think I can handle that.