discord to harmony (revised)

By cassiegoeswild

Wed, 21 Oct 2015
  • 1460 reads
4 comments
 

All day long, everything seems...

       wrong.

  It's disjointed,         strange      and

 off-key.

Like an orchestra -

   each musician playing a different song,

a clanging sound

               that offends ones ears.

 

But when I see your face...

 

at once the whole

ensemble comes together,

playing a lovely,

harmonious tune.

In that moment

when I hear your voice - 

a melody so sublime,

my whole world comes together too,

makes my heart glow and love shine.

Certificate U
Poem
Romance
Love

Comments

Submitted by VeraClark on

This is really sweet.  I feel the ending needs more welly... that last line feels it should be a crescendo ending rather than a fine one but that may be my impression.

 

Submitted by cassiegoeswild on

Thank you - I had a think about what you said and revised the poem. Thanks for your feedback.

Cass

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

I liked this too, though I also thought you might think of a  stronger climax line. The last but one seems to balance the third - disjointedness and then your world coming together, presumably a sense of things making sense, fitting together, knowing where you are going to some extent, life seeming more musical. Maybe it is the sense of comfort rather than high excitement that you want to convey, peacefulness. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by cassiegoeswild on

I was inded trying to convey comfort and peace rather than the excitement but reading the poem again I can see how the ending would be better fitting to a rather higher emotion. Thanks for your comment.

Cass