Grave news

By Pat G

Sat, 30 Jan 2016
  • 4206 reads
10 comments
 

Words slopped over the top 

as I took the book off the shelf.

They trickled down my wrist,

followed blue veins,

crossed skin cells, hung waiting, 

turned cold and plopped

at my feet. Gravity,

ambiguous gravity.

 

Doors slammed, sash windows

leaked and winter entered

our speaking. Syllables

crashed and roared,

soared and fell, cried wet

into absorbent pages.

 

Whole clauses smelled damp,

mouldered in corners,

crept under our calloused feet.

 

Sentences, unambiguous, came 

under a bright moon, clutched

tight, still air, tore into soft bedding

and sent goose-down floating

above your dreaming face.

 

The chilling room creaked

and I woke you as I tried to sleep.

Black wings fluttered against

hard glass. Cold plumage lay

below, for us to find next day.

Certificate 12
Poem

Comments

Submitted by Bee on

I just loved that first stanza. Some nice imagery throughout.

Bee

Submitted by Pat G on

Thank you for your comments Bee. 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Your description of meanings dissolving into the surreal is a great metaphor for the reaction to transforming news. 

Submitted by Pat G on

Thanks for the great feedback Philip.

Submitted by Jewel Serpent on

Such a powerful piece of art. You've essentially taken apart and beautifed each component of writing in  such a rich way. This was truly a pleasure to read. 

Just a thought—did you mean to use both 'ambiguous' and 'unambiguous'? Maybe if this wasn't intentional, you could find a synonym for one?

Submitted by Pat G on

Thanks so much for that. I did deliberately use ambiguous and unambiguous for emphasis, about the reality of unpalable information gradually sinking in (and a bit of word play - funny that gravilty means seriousness but is also is a phyical force). But you're also right - always good to keep rethinking and reworking these pieces. They are never done with.

Submitted by Stephen Thom on

Thought this was fantastic, very absorbing. Can see the comments above have worded feedback and analysis far better than I ever could, but much enjoyed your wonderfully controlled use of words and images yes brilliant

 

Submitted by Pat G on

Thanks so much. Glad you enjoyed it.

Submitted by schafd on

Really liked this - the idea of words flowing past and over us like a body of water, evokes the ceaseless stream of consciousness that is our internal soundtrack..

Schafd

Submitted by Pat G on

Thank you for reading this and commenting Dave. Much appreciated.