The body in Johnny Easton’s bedroom

The plot to kill the Ruler of the Universe was a masterpiece in espionage and planning, it took decades to put the people in place necessary to carry out the killing, everything was organised to the very millimetre, hundreds of people were involved in making the plot a success, yet not one of them betrayed the scheme.

 

However, this story is not about the assassination of the Ruler of the Universe, it is about the consequences, so I will skip over the intricacies of how the plot was carried out, and why the plotters so desperately desired the death of the Ruler. Let’s just simplify their motives by pointing out that he ruled the universe and they didn’t, that’s motive enough for some people.

 

The killers’ escape plan was even more ingenious than the murder itself. They realised that killing the Ruler of the Universe would rip a tear through the very fabric of space-time, and they simply made their escape through this tear, disappearing into an untraceable part of the multiverse through a wormhole that would never exist again. The Ruler’s dead body was sucked into the same void, landing in the bedroom of Johnny Easton.

 

Johnny was unaware of the dead body in his bedroom, because he was downstairs having his tea at the time. However, when he returned to his room the dead body was the very first thing he noticed.

 

Now, most of us would, if we found a dead body in our bedroom, run straight downstairs to tell our parents, who would obviously know what to do, as all parents do. But Johnny was different, he thought a dead body appearing in his bedroom was the most exciting thing that ever had ever happened to him, he didn’t want his parents involved in anything so exciting, they’d just turn it into another boring problem. Instead, he took a photo of the corpse and emailed it to his friend Jeb, along with a brief explanation. Jeb would know what to do, to turn a dead body in his bedroom into a real adventure.

 

Jeb was round the house in less than three minutes.

 

“Wow,” Jeb said, “A dead body. We should try to resurrect it.”

 

“Resurrect it?”

 

“Year, bring it back from the dead. Like they do on the TV.”

 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Doesn’t it involve a deal with the devil, that sort of thing?”

“Oh, there’s no need to involve the devil, there are lots of spirits and demi-gods that’ll resurrect someone with no fees, no strings attached.”

 

“I don’t know. It all sounds a bit freaky, bringing the dead back to life.”

 

“Well, what do you propose. We can hardly leave it here. Unless you think that chicks will be turned on by a decomposing body in your bedroom.”

 

“I hadn’t thought of that. I suppose it would be best to bring it back to life if we can. But how?”

 

“Simple, we just need a spell, I’ll google it.”

 

Jeb spent five minutes finding a suitable spell, ten minutes purchasing the ingredients from the nearby Tesco Express, which they mixed together and heated in the microwave to save time.

 

In less than half an hour they were ready to raise the dead.

 

Jeb lit a candle, which he placed on the corpse’s forehead, as it seemed an appropriate place.

 

“Now all we have to do is recite the spell.”

 

Johnny read the spell over his shoulder.  “But that’s all nonsense, there aren’t any real words.”

 

“Don’t be stupid, you don’t get spells in English. It’s in Latin, or Greek, or some ancient tongue like that.”

 

“Do you speak Latin, Greek, or whatever?”

 

“No, of course not, but I don’t have to understand it, I just have to say the sounds. It’s not as if the spirits are going to answer back.”

 

Jeb recited the spell, very, very badly. Now, if there’s one thing the spirits and demi-gods hate more than the general public reading out old spells and summoning spirits in the hope that they’ll raise the dead, it’s badly pronounced spells, read with no understanding of the language. It ires them so much, not only do they ignore the plea to raise the dead, they usual festoon the requester with boils on their bum, or a wart on their genitalia, or, usually, both.  

 

However, on this occasion it was no ordinary request. It was no loved one they were being asked to raise, it was the Ruler of the Universe. The spirit Jeb had summoned didn’t hesitate to resurrect the dead Ruler, for if he’d refused, and then Jeb had then asked another spirit, the Ruler of the Universe would not have been happy to learn of the original spirit’s unhelpfulness, and when the Ruler of the Universe isn’t happy it’s a bad time to be the demi-god or spirit.

 

So the spirit obeyed the command, or at least the intended command, the actual utterances were total nonsense, and wove the magic that would bring the Ruler back to life.

 

Under the eager attention of Jeb and Johnny, the Ruler opened his eyes. He was alive, the spell had worked.

 

“Where am I?” he asked (in perfect English – the clever spirit had added a translation spell to the mix to speed up the tale).

 

“In my bedroom,” Johnny answered eagerly.

 

It took quite some time to establish exactly where Johnny’s bedroom was in relation to the rest of the universe, for though the Ruler ruled the entire universe, he was a bit weak on the actuality of Basingstoke. Eventually google and wikipedia combined to tell the Ruler everything he needed to know.

 

“For saving my life,” the Ruler said to Johnny before he departed, “I shall make you my successor, you shall inherit the universe when I die.”

 

“But I saved your life,” said Jeb, “I read the spell. It was my idea.”

 

“This is Johnny’s domain, therefore the rewards for the deeds are his. As to you, I shall reward you with a rabbit.” So saying, he took a small white rabbit out from under his robes and handed it to Jeb.

 

“A rabbit. Johnny gets the entire universe, and I get a rabbit.”

 

“Oh, this isn’t just any rabbit. It’s a magic rabbit.” 

 

“Magic! In what way magic?”

 

But the Ruler didn’t answer him. “I have to go,” he said, and, clicking his fingers as an instruction to the spirit, he disappeared, back to wherever it was he ruled the universe from.

 

“A bloody rabbit,” Jeb said. “That’s all I get for saving the ruler of the universe.”

 

“A magic rabbit,” Johnny reminded him. “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we didn’t have all sorts of adventures with a magic rabbit.”