Spherical Cows

‘Now children, open your text books. No, George, not that one. Yes, that’s it, the nice red one, dear. “Grammar for Key Stage 1”. Beyonce, do not tear the pages. Turn them delicately. Yes, page 23. “Use of Subordinating Clauses, Which Are Not Defining Clauses, In Simple Sentence Formation”. Pardon, Tristram? No, not Santa Clauses. Not by any means. Who would like to write a sentence with a subordinating clause on the whiteboard? No-one? How about you, Anil? Wojczek? Robert, put your telephone down. Quite, you may be downloading a kicking photo as you so colourfully put it, but innit is not the tag question you require. No, Robert “Wanna Rumble in WWE?” is not what we mean by a tag question either.

‘Well then, a sentence in that case. What are the components of an affirmative sentence? Anyone? Very well, let’s begin with an example. How might we start an affirmative sentence? I? Shall we try another pronoun? What’s that? No, Tristram it is not a noun that is paid a lot of money and Pro footballer is two words, one of which is an abbreviation. It means a shorter version. Robert, let go of Tristram’s ear. Tristram stop crying at once. No, you may not go to the lavatory. There, we’ve written ‘I’ on the board and in our sentence it will be our - I’m afraid not Beyonce it's not our pronoun no. Its function in the sentence is as subject. No George, not like “Maffs” and it is ‘Mathematics” that we say. Anil, you may stay behind to discuss why “they aren’t” Mathematics.

'A question for the boys only now. No, Emily, I don’t believe you do consider yourself a boy and put that water pistol down. The next component in our sentence is? Very well Wojczek, “What is the next component in our sentence?” No, it isn’t “what”! I did not. Turn that mobile off. I don’t care what you recorded on it. Very well, Emily, you may answer. Pardon? Could you use your normal voice please? Ah, yes, that’s better. “Give” and what is give? Better than to receive? A very good answer, George, but not the one we’re looking for. Yes, Tristram, it’s a doing word. And what do we call that? Nobody? It rhymes with “herb”. No, not disturb, no. Well, I’ll tell you it’s a verb. Now can we all remember that?

‘Is… What is the next component of our simple sentence? Be quiet, Wojczek! Oh, that’s the bell. Just a moment, children. Someone tell me a word which will complete our sentence? What’s that, Beyonce? But that’s a preposition not a noun, so it can’t be the object. Yes, of course you have still made a sentence. Can we all read it from the board?

‘I give up.’