The Sat Navigator!- 1556 words

The Sat Navigator!  -  1556 words

This is a two person sketch but there are two other people with one line. Valerie is the Sat Navigator Pat is Jodine.

Nav to audience

Hello, let me introduce myself. My name is Rowena Castoff and I am the most senior Satellite Navigator. My colleagues and I man the satellites which help people get to their destinations by the fastest possible route. I have been trained to always be polite and patient even on a day like today when I found out my Husband is having an affair. This news coming straight after I’ve discovered two of my children are taking drugs and my youngest is five months pregnant. But I never bring my problems to work or take it out on the drivers I am trying to assist, no, never. Although I do expect them to pay attention. Here’s a client now just entering my zone excuse me while I attend to his needs.

Nav:

Ah, he’s tapped in his destination as Norwich and he is travelling from Bury St Edmunds. Okay.‘Turn right at the next junction and continue on the B134. In fifty metres take the third exit from the roundabout and continue on the A140 for ten kilometres. Oh for goodness sake they’ve gone past it. TAKE THE NEXT EXIT.

Percy: (The driver)

Did she say take the next exit, Doris?

Doris: (His wife)

I don’t know, dear, I wasn’t listening.

Nav: (Spluttering)

Did you hear that, Jodine? He’s deaf and she’s not frigging listening.

Jodine:

Don’t upset yourself. You know what these old fogies are like. Sunday drivers most of them.

Nav:

Don’t they realise I’m circling the globe trying to keep them on the right route while my ol’ man is having it off with her three doors down?  Should say three drawers down but she’s not got three legs! No, she’s just got two faces...both of them ugly.

Jodine:

Don’t get upset. Try not to think about what they’re doing together while you’re at work.

 

Nav:

Oh, that’s a great comfort. Have you ever thought of becoming an Agony Aunt?

Jodine:
No.
 

Nav:

Good, because I don’t think you‘d cut the mustard.

Jodine:
Oh well, I just think you shouldn’t dwell while you’re at work and can do nothing about it.

Nav:

I’m trying my best to keep calm and be professional but these two old grappers are really getting on my nerves. Look, in the time I’ve been talking to you they’re miles away from where they should be. But here I go again. Let’s hope they listen this time.

‘When possible make a U-turn. Your route is being calculated. (PAUSE) In ten metres take the first exit and continue along the M25 for three hundred and fifty metres.’

Jodine:
I didn’t think the M25 was as long as that.

Nav: (Smiling knowingly)

Oh dear, that will mean that, like me, they’ll be going round in circles.

Jodine:

What’s up with you today?

Nav:
Oh, I’m only having a little joke with them. You know what a funster I am and it’s important they realise we’re human too.

Jodine:
But that last memo said we must make sure drivers don’t know the satellites are manned, otherwise, they might start complaining.

Nav:

They won’t complain.

Jodine:

How do you know?

Nav:

Because I’ll make them think I’m being helpful. I’ll tell them there’s roadworks ahead causing a five mile tailback. That always gets them listening. Then I’ll tell them that a new route has been calculated and they should leave the motorway at the next junction and continue on the B115 heading west.

Jodine:
But surely that will mean them going miles out of their way.

 

Nav:
Yes, wonderful, isn’t it? Oh, I love my job.

Jodine:
Then what will you do?

Nav:
I’ll slowly return them to the same Junction on the M25 where I told them to exit.

Jodine:
Oh, that’s neat.

Nav:
Yes, I thought so.

Jodine:
Then what?

Nav:

Once back on the motorway, I’ll set about causing a snarl up

but I’ll need help with that.

Jodine:

Why, what are you going to do?

Nav:
I need to get the ground crew to put out as many cones as we’ve got available in the warehouse.

Jodine:
Oh, I see where you’re going with this.

Nav:

But I must tell the warehouse people to make sure there is no sign of any work or workmen behind the cones. That always gets them, down there, worked up.

Jodine:

I can see it’s all coming together now. So, what’s next?

Nav:
Then I thought I’d get the ground crew to put up signs saying 30mph and cameras are in operation. The drivers, silly sods, always look for them but as they’re not there they can never spot them. Oh, how I love my job.

Jodine:

Oh, that’s good. It’s little touches like that make me want to become as good as you at logistics.

Nav:

Some day, Jodine, some day, but for now just watch and learn.

Jodine:

So, what’s next?

Nav:

Then I tell them there’s no hard shoulder for thirty kilometres which brings me to the best bit; we start closing lanes and the one remaining lane we make so narrow that they think some thing’s wrong!

Jodine:
They think it can’t be the lane they should use?

Nav:
That’s right, but we put out one of our lovely big blue arrow thingies to convince them that it is the right lane. Then we let them drive on a bit, guiding them to where the new part of the M25 runs out and onto a dirt track. Oh, how I love my job.

Jodine:

I think you must have covered everything with that plan.

Nav:

No, I want to leave no stone turned over because these two have really wound me up. I don’t need any extra stress at this time.

Jodine:
Why’s that?

Nav:
I told you...it’s the ol’ man...he’s at it again with her three doors down. I need to concentrate on how I can make her life difficult, but this daft pair are distracting me.

Jodine:
How will you make her life difficult?

Nav:
I’ve already started and I’ve thought of something else once I can get rid of these two.

Jodine:

What have you done already.

Nav:
I’ve sent her some flowers.

Jodine:

What? Not a bouquet?.

Nav:
No, not exactly...I’ve sent her a wreath!

 

Jodine:

What was the message?

Nav:

It read, ‘If you don’t get your scheming claws out of my husband you will get another one of these but next time it will come with all the trimmings.’

Jodine:
Oh, that’s telling her.

Nav:
I only hope I’ve not been too subtle.

Jodine:

Oh! (Nav gets out mobile phone) Now, what are you doing?

Nav: (Dialing phone)

Oh, hello my name is Floosie, sorry, Florie Bundence and I have recently had Cable installed but it’s not working. Can you be there sometime today? Oh, that’s excellent. My postcode? It’s, BS1 2FO. (Nav to Jodine) That should make sure that by the time she gets home from work there will be a dirty great big hole right outside her front door. Now to sort this daft pair out.

Jodine:

They’re in your zone so be careful.

 

Nav:

I’ll be careful. I just think they need a nice ride out somewhere.

Jodine:
Lucky you’re not vindictive then.

Nav:
No, I’ve never been like that. Always been easy going, but people take advantage.

Jodine:
Hang on, I didn’t think you got on with your husband.

Nav:
I don’t.

Jodine:

There was that time you threw all his clothes out of the window.

Nav:
Oh, I’ve done that more than once. In fact, I’ve done it so many times he thinks the driveway is his wardrobe. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let that two faced bitch take what is mine without a fight.

Jodine:

But what have the two oldies done that hasve got you so worked up?

Nav:

I told them in a perfectly affable manner that in fifty metres they should take the third exit from the roundabout and continue on the A140 for ten kilometres. You heard me say it.

Jodine:
Oh yes, I remember.

Nav:
So I shouted for them to TAKE THE NEXT EXIT but did they?

Jodine:

Oh, I see. They brought it on themselves then. Why don’t these people listen?

 

Nav:

My thoughts exactly. You know me. I’m not easily ruffled.

Jodine:
No, you’re patience and politeness in a uniform.

Nav:
If, as the most senior Navigator I manage to cause a snarl up...I just can’t resist feeling proud of what I’ve achieved...and a five-mile tailback is nothing short of orgasmic.

Jodine:
I wish I had your…

Nav: Interrupting)

Devotion to duty. I can’t help it I’ve always been conscientious.

Jodine:

What was their original destination?

Nav:
Norwich.

Jodine:
And where are they now?

Nav:
Doncaster! They’re in the middle of a field. and if you put your headset on, you will hear me tell them the good news…

Jodine:

What good news?

Nav:
That they have arrived at their destination! What a pleasure this afternoon’s work has been. Oh God, how I love my job!

End