Last Night

A numb feeling comes over me

As he shouts in my face to fuck off fuck off

Shut up

Get out or I’ll make you get out

Get out

 

I am watching this cinema of pain without daring to move

One wrong expression or careless gesture

And I won’t be able to go

Its midnight and the door slams

The shouting crescendos as I start to shake

 

Could I climb over the back fence?

Is the door locked?

Who is listening to this?

 

He reaches across me as I flinch

Grabs the remote from the arm of the sofa

And turns the sound system to 20

I watch the red numbers rise with his anger

Our house pounds

The demise of our relationship

A rhythmic panting beast

For all to hear

 

As if propelled by the shock of noise

I am up and across the room

My heart in time with the bass

 

His eyes are fixed, his expression set

 

I flee for the hall

My son appears sweaty and wild eyed at the bottom of the stairs

Hurled into a nightmare of sound

He clings to me as I guide him upstairs

There is crashing in the kitchen and the front door slams

 

I tiptoe down to turn the music lower

And pad back to the hall

 

His keys are on the side in the kitchen

My keys are hanging in the door

What would happen if I lock him out?

My car is in the road outside and there is no way out the back

I can’t get my boy to climb over the fence in his pyjamas

 

I escape softly up the stairs and leave my door open

Not risking a look through the blinds

 

I don’t sleep 

I listen, tremble and weep silently

Knowing he won’t come upstairs, he won’t hold me close nor say sorry.

He won’t say anything.

 

I have loved him unconditionally

Repeatedly absorbed the impacts of his split personality

But I am too bruised now.

 

The next morning,

I gather the fragments of my broken heart and leave quietly

before he is awake.