An Evening Walk in Autumn

By hedgehog1

Wed, 06 Sep 2017
  • 1271 reads
8 comments
 

Slowly the setting sun fades into evening

Our track receding skirts by Long Wood

Beyond the trees, over the asphalt way

The pale stars were sliding into place

Too late now to turn back a different way

Fields filled the gloom and hid the path

As barbed wire that cuts fades out of sight

 

Silhouettes of Alder and Mountain Rowan

Reflecting like ice in the starlight's gleam

A Robin flies into the light of the setting sun

Its breast flashing red as a shooting star

 

We're half way home by the broken turnpike

Boots so heavy from walked in mud

The half moon slips ever skywards

As we stumble over the unploughed field

Safe the house beckons by the distant stream

With the wood smokes smell drifting by

Voices grow louder as we near journeys end

Reluctant to enter we sit under the starlight

As the enduring silence speaks a thousand words

Certificate U
Poem
Unclassified
Nature

Comments

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

This is a perfect poem in every way Edward. Just loved the way you summed up the sights and atmosphere, I felt as if I were there. 

By the way, loved that line:

A Robin flies into the light of the setting sun

Its breast flashing red as a shooting star

What a sight to behold.

Thank you for sharing this beauty.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by hedgehog1 on

Thank you Jenny for your comments, they are more than generous your comments which I really appreciate. I've come over a short period to notice how my style is changing and I am tending to use "free verse" more, it's quite an exciting time for me.

Edward

 

Submitted by airyfairy on

Beautiful autumnal feel.  I could feel the fallen leaves beneath my feet, and smell that woodsmoke.

I wasn't sure about the line 'The half moon pale, slips ever skywards'.  It's a lovely image, but the structure feels a bit forced.  I couldn't see that putting 'pale' after 'half moon' rather than before made the line any better - the image is so strong in itself - and I stopped at 'slips ever skyward' because I automatically associate 'slips' with going down.  I appreciate that it can also mean doing something quietly, almost unseen, and it works in that context, but for me it interrupted the flow a bit.  Although using an unexpected word can add emphasis to the image, of course, so perhaps I'm being too literal here.  I did enjoy it very much.

Apostrophe Police:  'It's breast flashing' should be its.  Also I wasn't sure if 'wood smokes smell' should have an apostrophe?

I'll go and get on with my 'Bumper Book of Pedantry' now.   

Submitted by hedgehog1 on

Thank you airyfairy for your more than generous constructive comments. I have altered my poem to reflect what you have written and yes it does read better.  I have left "slips" in as I feel it does add  to my poem. 

I really like the last line off your comment  it brought a smile to my face.

Edward

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Enjoyed, Edward. Felt like being taken on a real evening stroll, with the sunset and darkness encroaching, at the half-way point, so no point in retracing (wondering if one has a torch if the light is really going to fade?!) and the boots heavy with mud, and sitting in the silence before returning to everyday life indoors. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by hedgehog1 on

Thank you Rhiannon for your kind comments I love the countryside wherever I am and to be able to write about it is a bonus.

Edward

 

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Agree with Rhiannon, I was travelling with you too Hedgehog into the autumnal beauty and peace.

Submitted by hedgehog1 on

Thank you Elsie for your kind comments, we should form a ramblers group on abctales!!

Edward