One Gift Too Many

There we were, our bodies sprawled next to each other on her bedroom carpet, the both of us just coming off our shared euphoria, the light from her lamp softly emanating an auburn glow.

Her hand is placed on my chest as she nuzzles into my shoulder, the silence between us like a well-intended segment of frozen reality, nothing is moving, time has stopped and all I can feel, all I can see is this beautiful woman lying right next to me.

She stirs, propping herself up on her elbows to look into my eyes, and I can’t help but smile as I slowly inch my face closer to peck her lips, she giggles and reciprocates my affection, lacing her fingers with my own.

“Tell me, have there been others before me?” She asks.

Oh Lord in Heaven do I dread the day she asks me this, how many times have I silently prayed for many nights that I may never hear those very words.

“Why do you ask? It’s not like it matters now, all those before you were years ago.”

“You never know, so indulge me. Please?” She pleads with her eyes, twinkling just a bit like the night stars, and yet I still worry that these very same eyes that look at me may turn cold in a second, the instant I open up my heart to the old scars, the moment I force my mind to recall the scenes that still plague my dreams.

“Very well, if you insist.”

“There was this one girl I loved, back when I was still far too young to understand what love really was. And for the 7 years that we knew one another, I could almost swear to God above that I had honestly found the “one”. Heck, we talked soul, we walked untraveled pathways and evaluated furniture together, we were like a couple, minus the exclusivity of it.”

“On one of her birthdays, I had given her a “piece” of myself in the form of my poetry book, the only one I had ever kept during my high school days, when I convinced myself that I was a poet who was simply born into an era ill-fitting for his soul.”

“And to this very day, she has kept it, like one of her guarded treasures. And it is not just this symbolic piece of myself that I gave her, there is so much more.”

“When she needed shelter, I was her refuge, when she needed comfort, I listened. I made sure to set aside all my priorities just to be by her side whenever she called on me, I did it. And in doing so, I was able to love her in ways I didn’t know were even possible.”

“And this is why I really hoped you would never ask me about her, or about all the others before her. Because I gave them a piece of me that I will never be able to give to you, and that thought haunts me - that I may never really love you the way that you deserve, and I deeply apologise for this.”

I can almost feel the heat flush in my cheeks, tears that are beginning to form in my eyes, and I turn to look away.

But, she holds me in place, forcing me to look her in the eyes, and the look that I see in her isn’t disappointment, but is instead hopeful, and she shakes her head.

“Oh darling, sweetheart. Do you understand how blessed I am that it is you in my arms tonight, in this very moment in time? And I thank God Himself, that I am the one who is beyond honoured and beyond privileged to show you what this means to me?”

“Yes, I understand crystal clearly that there were others before me, and that’s ok. And sure, you may not love me the way you may have loved them, but isn’t that the beautiful thing about what we have?”

“That what we share, they will never be able to, and that which is still on its way for us to share, is God’s personal gift to me and you. Because where you see scars, I see chances to make history again, and where you see dead ends, I see places to make amends.”

“So please don’t worry about it, it’s completely alright. And, should I become another memory in your mind, another page or two in the book of your life, I pray that for the next girl that comes your way, that you do your best to love her right.”

And just like that, I was comforted, if only for the night, but it was all I needed to hear, and it was all I needed to believe in that moment.