Mod Diff, V Diff, Hard, Severe

"Timpson isn't it?"

 

"Yes, Derek Timpson."

 

"Good to meet you Timpson, I'm Hardwick, this is Nethergate, and that's Suggs on the end."

 

The three panelists each shook hands with Timpson, squeezing his hand hard, vary hard, and very, very hard. He wondered if any of them had done him permanent damage.

 

"Right Timpson, which set of interview questions do you want: Moderately difficult, very difficult, hard or severe?"

 

"Is there any reason I shouldn't choose the easiest?"

 

"Obviously the panel will know you've chosen the easiest questions and will mark your answers accordingly."

 

"In which case I might as well go for broke and try the hardest."

 

"Good choice Simpson. Right, severe - if you were a squirrel what system would you use for burying your nuts?"

 

It was one of those quirky interview questions that panelists use to catch interviewees out, but luckily Timpson had prepared.

 

"I'd bury the nuts at a fixed distance from each other, that way you only need to find one nut to find them all - say two tail lengths north followed by a tail length east."

 

Hardwick nodded at Nethergate to respond. "The system would work for a bare surface Timpson, where the squirrel could bury his or her nuts anywhere, but squirrels live in woodland, what would you do if you found a tree in the way of your chosen burial point?"

 

"I'll slightly modify the system, two tail lengths north followed by a tail length east, or the nearest accessible point thereto."

 

"Good answer Timpson," said Hardwick, "If we were actually recruiting a squirrel you'd be our man. But let me ask you a question about the job you're applying for. You've chosen the severe questions, so we'll assume you've thoroughly researched the role. What would you do to fix the problem with the recent revenue shortfall?"

 

"I'd contact former clients to find out why they no longer use us, offering a special discount if they use us again, liaise with the comms team to review our current messages and initiate a new promotion targeting left-handed people, who the company has traditionally failed to reach."

 

"Is that right?"

 

"I'm afraid so. I'm thinking of a campaign using prominent left-handers, such as the cricketer Ali Cook, David Walliams and Barack Obama. If people see famous southpaws using our product it'll open up new markets."

 

"Interesting idea. One final question Timpson, what would you do if you realised that the interview panel were all aliens and were about to eat you?"

 

As Hardwick spoke, the 'skin' covering Suggs suddenly ripped, revealing a giant squid-like being, with numerous tentacles, that started lunging towards Timpson. At the same time, Nethergate' clothes and skin also peeled away, to reveal a lizard-like creature, with long, multi-fanged jaw like a verticle crocadile, which snapped it's hungry teeth at Timpson.

 

Timpson reacted quickly. He'd spotted a pile of elastic bands on the desk where he was being interviewed. He picked these up and used them to tie Nethergates upper and lower jaws together. One monster deterred, he started grabbing Sugg's flailing tentacles and tying them together, until the squid was also disabled.

 

Hardwick nodded enthusiastically at Timpson's reaction.

 

"Excellent work Timpson, you responded brilliantly to the threat of being eaten alive by aliens, you're exactly the man we want for the job. When can you start?"