renewable 2 (second go at this)

Gold cherry
Poem of the week

By Di_Hard

Wed, 30 May 2018
  • 4282 reads
14 comments
 

behind a moss furred wall  

woods slope down                     

and bluebells shimmer              

peacock hued                               

through bright green shade         

cool incense filled                              

 

and in the field                   

airy Rumplestiltskins

white, bird-bone slim             

spin, slow spooling 

unseen power             

from warm May sky          

 

as seagulls doodle

light in light above

an even, lower blue

where cup sailed boats

fallen-feather-small

run with the wind

 

to a cuckoo's call

 

 

Certificate U
Poem

Comments

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

I'm not good at trying to compare, Di. I hadn't meant there was anything wrong with your descriptions of the boats in the other - sometimes I just need a bit of reassurance.

I like the mossy wall and the colour of the bluebells coming in in this version. [You've misspelt incense this time!] Also the last line is a good ending!

It's getting rare to hear the cuckoo in so much of the country, it seems. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Thankyou! Have corrected it. It's brilliant to know someone likes something, but it's also brilliant to have  kind advice about what doesn't work so well. And dodgy spelling pointed out :0) I am so grateful for your creative criticism

 

Submitted by airyfairy on

This wonderful evocation of summer (even better than the first version!), with its offer of hope for the future, is our Facebook and Twitter Pick of the Day!  Please do share/retweet if you've enjoyed it too.

Picture:  Pixabay Creative Commons

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Thankyou so much for the golden cherries! And the beautiful seagull picture

 

Submitted by Jane Hyphen on

I love the little loose bit at the end, blowing in the wind there, it's brave but it works. May is the most beautiful month. Lovely fresh words.

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Thankyou Jane! I'm grateful you said that as the cuckoo bit started off at the beginning and didn't fit

 

Submitted by Parson Thru on

That last lingering line is brilliant. I almost heard the cuckoo.

Great poem, Di_Hard. Great pick of the day. Sets spring into summer up nicely with a terrific pen portrait.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

I like this one just as much as I liked the first. This is our Poem of the Week - Congratulations!

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Thankyou so much! Was feeling rubbish today and suddenly seems more hopeful

 

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Brilliant pick!!!

This really is a beautiful depiction of a magical early summer scene. One to dig out and imbibe when the grey, wet evenings come.

Job done, poet.

Parson Thru

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

I have to say that I really enjoyed that first stanza, I  could just picture a moss covered wall and on the other side a bank leading down to a woodland of bluebells.

So beautiful and mysterious.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Parson, that is such an encouraging comment! It is very flattering to be called Poet, but I've never had anything published. I wish I could put it on forms  :0)

Thankyou so much Jenny for taking the time to read both versions and for the feedback - it is great to know if bits manage to create a picture or feeling for the reader

 

Submitted by Kat027 on

Airy and spring-like, this gentle verse evokes the fresh scents of May and the burgeoning of life in springtime. Love the moss covered wall and bluebells, nice juxtaposition of spring colors that creates an instant picture in the reader's mind. Only thing, and this is my personal issue, I like more punctuation. Sometimes have to read through a few times to get what the author meant without punctuation to guide. But, I know that little to no punctuation is the popular mode now, it's just old-fashioned me, I suppose! Lovely piece.

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Thankyou Kat. What you say makes me glad I had another go. And thankyou for telling me about the punctuation issue. I will keep trying to make things clearer. I have the same trouble when talking - everything comes out like a tangle :0)