Lost in a space

Cherry

By Parson Thru

Thu, 19 Jul 2018
  • 3216 reads
9 comments
 

The restless longing to create

To capture what’s within and get it down

To build from scratch the moon and sun
and every blade of grass, every soul I’ve known

To enter in another’s world for just a moment
leaving notions hanging in the air

To find the bridge ‘twixt all of this and dreams
and speak with spirit-souls assembled there

To know the universe behind the veil
and feel the emanation of its germ

To see this all reflected from a page
and then begin to learn

The street bustles on towards its purpose

Metro rumbles underneath

Camareros clear the tables

Time sweeps through the terrace

Urging me to pack my thoughts and go

Certificate U
Poem
Mortality Games
Travel

Comments

Submitted by bosch on

cut the first line, and

"O, to capture what's within, and get it down"

which may take care of the need for the first two

stanzas 3, 4, 5, 6 pretty self-indulgent, don't establish their reality.

 

you write a lot, a lot, a lot, and it's expected that some thin pieces will result. it's not a failure of ability to work on a poem, to occasionally find a line that dammit you just believe in, and then to build around it. to work on it. if you can't bring it to some height, fuckit, look for the next line that jumps out at you, and build around it. work to create pieces that you love, give them their own special folder, let the poems accrete.

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Hi bosch.

Thanks. Yes, it's a totally self-indulgent poem, driven by totally self-indulgent ruminations. Maybe it's part of that whole navel-gazing "Why am I here?" "What do all those half-memories and dreams add up to?" kind of thing. A bit like much Surrealist painting, which claims to support and encourage the Revolution, whilst really being more about psychoanalytical influences (Dalí) or general unresolved horror of life (Picasso). Ok, Dalí is a poor example to use there, but you get what I mean.

That's a good point about quantity over quality. On another friend's advice, I took to only posting work that I'd refined and polished first. I've relapsed. One reason I write is because I have to. Sometimes it's just an experiment because I really don't know if it has merit or not. Just an idea. Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't. I get bored very quickly by what I write. I can't keep digging it up and playing with it. It's kind of, point made, said it, move on. When I carc it, either the whole lot goes down the toilet or someone might save one or two. Who knows? Frankly, I'll be beyond knowing or caring.

Thanks for your ongoing advice, bosch. I will have a think about what you said, as ever. I've already got something else on the stocks ready to go (prose), but will wait until tomorrow out of decency.

ps I find "O" a bit STC/WW for my taste.  Samuel Taylor Coleridge/William Wordsworth :)

:) Cheers, my friend. Take care.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Di_Hard on

that is a seriously ambitious longing! Long enough to go round the whole of Creation. A picket fence of letters and a blank page beyond.

I like the change in rhythm. Objective seems to have a particularly grinding sound after the previous quicksilveriness. I am not sure, I think there should be a bit of warning, either an extra gap or some kind of punctuation or change of font? I like the last 2 lines very much too, showing the poet in the present reality

 

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Thanks Di_Hard.  How does that look?

It's taken me ages to remember the word "emulation". I think that's roughly where I'm heading. But to emulate what is within and without you (which was the theme I started out with) in words on a page. Phew!

Parson Thru

Submitted by Di_Hard on

I like that better.  I'm not an editor though.

I can't write anything at the moment, and admire you firing off these flares into the darkness

 

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Are you blocked? As in writer's block.

You write terrific comments. Very thoughtful and encouraging.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Di_Hard on

that's a lovely thing to say, thankyou

 

 

Submitted by Parson Thru on

De nada.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Thank you.

Parson Thru