Lockdown

Old Mrs Trelawney, who everyone used to think was mad because she never left her house, is now planning to sue the entire world under copyright legislation.

My stepfather, who is 76 and in the high-risk group because of a health condition, has been allowed to do his job as a night-time security guard remotely, using his home PC to view the CCTV feeds.

His next-door-neighbour, a retired thief, also 76, is planning one last job, though he has no intention of leaving the house during lockdown. He has hacked into my stepfather's video feeds and is using these to plan a heist using a pair of drones he ordered online and a specially designed robotic grabber.

Unbeknown to the thief, however, the elderly spinster who lives opposite, also 76, is a retired cop who has discovered his plot and hopes to catch one last villain before she dies.

My best friend Dave, who's autistic, has formed an online campaign amongst fellow autists to make social distancing compulsory long after Covid 19 has passed.

With my darts league in furlough, I'm now playing darts online via a webcam and an electronic dartboard. It means I can play opponents anywhere in the world. However, unless the American I played last night has an arm over two metres long, he has set up his board at less than the regulation distance.

John, the mad old man who used to walk around town with a sandwichboard proclaiming the end of the world is nigh, is now sending out the same message from the safety of his home via the world wide web. He still wears the sandwichboard on his weekly trip to the supermarket.

The good thing about lockdown is that I'm on paid leave and free from all distractions, with no excuse not to work on the novel I've been planning for years but haven't had time for.

I'll just write this piece then I'll start on the novel. That's next on my list, as soon as I've finished this, and done the washing up, and finished putting my books in chronological order. Immediately I've done that I'll start on the novel.

Unless, of course, anyone fancies a game of darts.