Some Are Born Great...

Josiah Oakshott was happily engaged in one of his favourite pastimes, to wit, polishing the firm of Oakshott and Underwood’s fleet of limousines.  This really wasn’t one of his duties and he was acutely aware that his presence on the ‘shop floor’ (as it were) made his employees distinctly uncomfortable.  Nevertheless, he prided himself on the excellence of his work and it afforded him a happy diversion from the exertions of actually running the business and dealing with its, inevitably distressed, customer base.  He was just packing up his own private box of cloths and polishes, carefully placing each into its allotted place, when the bulk of Archibald Thurble hove into view.

“Been at it with the chamois again, Mr. O.?”  He asked, cheerfully.

“I have, indeed, Archibald.  I find a little manual work deeply satisfying from time to time”

“I wish I could say the same about paperwork, but it just gets me confused!”  Archibald shook his head, sadly, “me Mam…”

Josiah winced and gave Archibald a pained look, which he duly ignored,

“…me Mam reckons I should stick at it though.  She reckons I’ve got a great future!”  He grinned confidently.

“Did she mention whether that was ahead or behind you?” Josiah asked, waspishly.

“Come again?”  Archibald looked confused, which was his default appearance whenever he wasn’t looking cheerfully optimistic.

“Ignore me, Archibald” Josiah advised, continuing to pack up his cleaning apparatus, “I was being unnecessarily sarcastic”

“Oh, right” Archibald considered this for a while, before continuing, “any road, she reckons I could be a world leader”

“In any particular field of endeavour?”

“Pardon?”

“Did she specify in what way you would be a world leader?” Josiah attempted to inject a spot of clarity into the conversation, “did she say what you would be doing?” 

“Well, no, she didn’t rightly say.  I reckon that would be up to me”

“Then, the world, I am sure, is your oyster, Archibald” Josiah said, kindly.

Archibald thought about this for a moment or two, whilst he idly polished the bonnet of the limousine with the cuff of his jacket.

“Is it right, Mr. O., that anyone can become the President of the United States?”  He asked, eventually.

Josiah looked up in surprise and horror.  Noting that Archibald was clearly being serious, he dismissed the flippant remark he was about to make.

“Well, Archibald, that is indeed the conceit.  Theoretically, it is the case.  However, in actuality, prospective Presidents need to be able to raise huge amounts of money to finance their campaigns, so it helps if they are very wealthy indeed, to start with…”  Josiah began.

“Oh!”  Archibald remarked, dismally, as he turned the small amount of change that currently constituted his worldly goods, in his pocket.

“Moreover,” said Josiah, warming to his theme, “it helps if you can persuade others who have great wealth and influence to back your cause, so you need to be well connected.  Then, ideally, you need to persuade one of the two main political parties to allow you to compete in their Primary elections, and win them, and, finally, you need to persuade enough of the electorate that you are the ideal candidate for the position”

“Ah, not that easy then?”

“Well, on the face of it, you wouldn’t think so, would you?”

“I don’t think I’d have much hope” Archibald observed, gloomily.

“At any other time, I would probably have agreed with you, Archibald.  However, in the current climate, I can’t help but think you might succeed beyond your wildest dreams, were it not for one other factor”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“You have to be an American citizen”

“That’s torn that then, hasn’t it!”  Archibald shuffled his feet and stared fixedly at the floor, then a thought struck him, “Oh! How about Prime Minister?”

“In many ways the route to leadership of our country is rather more tortuous.  Firstly, you would need to be elected as a Member of Parliament, which is not an easy undertaking…”

“Yeah, but not impossible is it?”  Archibald pointed out, “there was that bloke what got caught sending mucky texts to barmaids, he got elected didn’t he?”

“Indeed, I am aware of that particular case and I think you will find that he was elected before that particular incident came to light, and not thereafter.  However, as you rightly say, it can sometimes be the case that the least likely people are elected to represent their constituents.  Nevertheless, having achieved that, you then need to persuade sufficient members of your party that you are the ideal person to lead that party in Parliament and then you need to persuade the rank and file members of your party to elect you to the position of leader.  After that, all you need to do is to make sure that your party wins the most seats in Parliament and Robert is, indeed, your father’s brother!”

“I don’t think my dad had a brother” Archibald mused.

“My apologies, Archibald, I was being flippant.  I was paraphrasing the old saying ‘bob’s your uncle’”

“I’ve got an Uncle Melvin” Archibald continued, doggedly. “Mind you, me Mam says he’s me uncle but I don’t reckon he is really.  I think he was just some bloke me Nan brought back from ‘The King of Prussia’ one night and he just sort of stuck around”

Josiah stared at his employee for a while, whilst trying to erase this picture of his home life from his imagination.

“Be that as it may, Archibald.  I think, in terms of our prior conversation, the relevant quote, I think, is that of Malvolio…”

“He’s not the bloke what runs the Kebab shop down the road, is he?”

“No, Archibald, I refer to the main character in Shakespeare’s ‘Twelfth Night,’ in which he says, ‘some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon ‘em’”  He beamed at Archibald, glad to have had this opportunity to show off his erudition.

“You mean like you, Mr. O.?”  Archibald suggested.

“I doubt that the management of a provincial undertakers’ would constitute ‘greatness’ in anyone’s eyes, Archibald” Josiah responded, modestly, “but I take your point.  In some ways, I was born to it, in that my father owned the business before me, and in other ways, it was thrust upon me, on his unfortunate demise”

“You mean, when he snuffed it?”

“That would be one way of summarising the situation, Archibald” Josiah agreed, tersely.

“Always gives me a gyppy tummy” Archibald observed.

“What, greatness?” Josiah was as confused as these conversations with Archibald normally rendered him.

“No, that bloke’s kebabs.  I like them, and everything, but they always serve me badly” Archibald rubbed his stomach, reflectively, “it’s not Malvolio though, his name, but it’s summat like that”

“Well, leaving the quality, or otherwise, of the gentleman in question’s kebabs aside, the point I was trying to make, Archibald, was that it is, indeed, possible to achieve greatness and, perhaps, that is the goal to which you should aspire” 

“I could have a statue put up!” Archibald adopted a pose in which he looked, in his own view anyway, resolute and imposing.

“I do not think that would be advisable, in the current climate” Josiah picked up his box of cleaning equipment and headed, determinedly, for the relative sanctuary of his office.

“Cyril!” Archibald shouted, suddenly, making Josiah jump about a foot into the air.

“I beg your pardon?”

“That bloke’s name, it’s Cyril.”  Archibald beamed, triumphantly, “Cyril’s Kebab Korner House”

“In what way does that even remotely resemble ‘Malvolio’?”

“Well, I knew it were different, like” Archibald explained, “and it’s got an ‘L’ in it”

Josiah looked at his employee for some time.  Eventually, he said,

“Archibald, I think I may have done you a singular disservice.  You may, in fact, have all the attributes necessary for a global leadership role at the present time!”

“Cor, do you reckon, Mr. O.?”

“I am advised of it, Archibald.”  Josiah smirked.

“In that case, Mr. O., can I drive the hearse tomorrow?”

Josiah’s office door slammed shut as the proprietor disappeared, with great gratitude, into its welcoming gloom.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ then, shall I?”  Archibald yelled after his departing employer.

“NO!” came the muffled response from behind the door.

Archibald went off to collect his bicycle, gloomily.  On the whole, he decided, this ‘getting on in life’ business was a lot more difficult than he thought it ought to be.

 

You can find a whole heap of stories about Josiah and Archibald in the new collection:

'A Dubious Undertaking and other stories'