Ulf and Sven and the important military mission

Sven: (offstage) "Ulf. Ulf."

(enter Sven)

Sven: "The Commander has given me the instructions for our mission, Ulf. We're to sneak into enemy territory tonight to map out the locations of the enemy's positions."

Ulf: "I've been planning our approach Sven. It would be foolish to walk blindly into the heart of the enemy camp with no idea where we are. There's a small town here in the grey zone between the two armies. We can spend a night there, scout the enemy the next day from the relative safety of the grey zone. There's a pub in the town, the Crooked Horse it translates as, we could stay there for the night."

Sven: "A good idea Ulf. And once we have scouted the immediate area around the town we will be able to enter enemy territory during the second night."

Ulf: "Well, we could do that Sven, but there's a pub at the other end of the town, the Constipated Smurf it translates as. We could use that as our base to check out the area to the East of the town."

Sven: "But when would we go into enemy territory? Not until the third night?"

Ulf: "The important thing, Sven, is that we return quickly and safely with our information. There's no point in get red hot information from the heart of enemy territory only to get shot and buried in unmarked graves, with our all-important maps and information buried with us."

Sven: "But our mission. We have orders."

Ulf: "Don't think like a foot-soldier, Sven, think like a general. What would a General do?"

Sven: "If I was a general Ulf, I would sit at the bar of the safest pub I could find, with a huge bottle of my special snobbish drink, without the faintest idea what was happening outside in the real world, making up a complete fiction about enemy troop placements, invasion plans and anything else I could come up with, with no regard at all to how many lives they put at risk by so-doing."

Ulf: "Exactly Sven. Now you're thinking strategically. We'll best-guess the things we can't see from the town, spend the third night at the Bellowing Goose, just to be treble sure, then head back, mission safely accomplished."

Sven: "The Crooked Horse, Ulf, will it have those bags of scratchy pig skin I like?"

Ulf: "Bound to Sven. All three pubs will. Great big bags of them."

Sven: "I have missed those scratchy pigs skins. This bloody war Ulf."

Ulf: "This bloody war Sven."