Zen is Unnerving

So I've reached complete - Zen - a few times. Often by accident.

Once in the shower. Going about my habitual but somewhat conscious hand movements and gestures. Than my hands suddenly dropped to my side. My thoughts were all but gone. So empty headed, I was. So clear that I felt hollow-headed with the slightest trace of Melancholy.

That inner side chatter suddenly stopped and there was nothing to compute what was happening. My head felt immensely overwhelming calmness--spacious, no longer thinking in the language that is the alphabet soup. I was "thinking" in feelings that were out of my realm of control. Unused to being unable to pinpoint or label my in-depth emotions. Lacking words to describe, understand and elaborate the many nonsensical but often coherent thought-processes that run rampant through my skull. Like the language part of my mind was wiped clean.

I felt the beads of water hitting my scalp all too intensely. Looked down at my perfectly aesthetic body. And was for once... Sad

What If I was just a body. What If I had no conciousness. No actual thoughts or even a soul, I wondered. I wanted to slap myself out of this state of mind. But it endured.

I realized then. More than ever before. That I think and voice my thoughts (like right now) all so eloquently, simply to make time pass. Because time, in the space between thoughts, is vast. Deep. And cavernous; even, haunting at the sheer magnitude of conscious awareness elapsing

An echoing awareness of transcendence that in September - December of 2017 was nearly my natural state of being. Four months of contentment that felt sacred. Meditative and immensely healing. The experience was quickly disrupted by the government. A recurring theme that seems to tether me down to Humanities toxic vibrations:

The need to objectify others. Sexuality, no longer sacred but a depraved act. Trivial. Yes, let's casually forget that's how you make life. That's how you, me and everything and everyone got here. Earth appears to me to be a sex-trafficking industry and more than anything, a mind-trap. And I'm here as a glitch. As a nightmare to the powers that be. Which are starving at the moment for the control they had for way too long of a time.