The Theory of Everything (take 2)

I originally posted this piece a few days ago. I had this half-arsed notion that I needed to put something up on my birthday and a rare foray to inspiration point would be an interesting place to visit in #lockdown. The theme of this week is circumstances when you have changed your mind. Well, as soon as I posted I did just that so I deleted what I had uploaded. Every time I read it I found fault: Badly written, repeated words in a paragraph, potentially insensitive, maudlin, self-absorbed you name it. But I guess I can choose to take a different course after all and maybe this is what I wanted to say or at least it’s closer. Incidentally, deleting a piece of work is like chopping off a limb so backing up anything drafted is a life saver….

I like to think of myself as decisive. Changing minds is for wimps or is that lunch? Once I’ve decided on something I generally stick to my principles. Of course, there are topics of discussion that defy gravity and maybe the mother of them all is finding the reason why we are. If there is a rationale to existence, is there a supreme being behind it all?

I’m not sure what I am. I can’t really remember what I once was. I could be a believer or maybe I am an agnostic. If I was more certain I could go all Richard Dawkins and declare myself full atheist. I’m not sure how easy it is finding definitive proof that there is no God but there are many that claim to have found it. I may have had belief once. After all, I’m not the only one to find a Gideon bible by the side of a bed in a hotel room and actually read it. I recollect entering my designated place of slumber in a ski lodge in Ravascletto in Northern Italy, aged 14, and finding a small book of the Old and New Testament wondering whether I could keep it like the customary piece of chocolate nestling on a pillow. Whilst I didn’t look at this anonymous contribution to my reading pile at the time (not enough hours when you are a hormone-infused teen on their first and, to date, only skiing holiday), I did meander through the pages upon my return to Blighty.

 I think I did believe in God when I was younger. Then again, I also used to fantasise that I would buy a life assurance policy when I was older that would mean I would live forever. I thought that by taking cover out, I could insure myself against a visit from the Grim Reaper and consequently catching a boat to Hades. Growing up, I soon realised that this idea belonged with Father Christmas in an untitled book of myths; it seems that only skip loads of money and your own cryonic capsule provides an opportunity to skirt the dance macabre. Patience is a virtue so even this depends on developments in the world of medicine while you play at statues fulfilling the ultimate definition of a stoic.

My existential angst has been fuelled by high profile figures over the years along with popular forms of art synonymous with moving picture brands like the Odeon and Cineworld. Stephen Hawking was an atheist. This wasn’t always clear though. In his book “A Brief History of Time” he suggested that if physicists could finally unravel a Theory of Everything then they would glimpse the mind of God. This was also something that Albert Einstein had searched for during his lifetime without success – an ultimate theory that provides a coherent, theoretical framework that brings all of physics into one universal principle. Hawking later clarified that his version of the ultimate being was an impersonal God and the actual reason for existence was more about physics than anything divine. He posited that spontaneous creation was the starting gun for the Universe rather than something that could be related to a deity’s master plan. All these great minds and their ground-breaking theories and there I was with my Junior Encyclopaedia of Space trying to work things out as a kid.

I think I may have glimpsed divinity in the movies. The rolling blue, cloud filled sky at the start and  end of the movie American Beauty (1999) has a Heavenly feel to it. The movie left me breathless, both with Sam Mendes’s direction, Conrad Hall’s cinematography and its portentous denouement even if it does feature the discredited Kevin Spacey as Lester Burnham in the lead role. Sadly, the process of airbrushing errant movie stars is de rigueur these days and the renowned thespian’s work continues to fade away into the ether of history. Spacey plays a forty something employee who works in advertising. Realising the mundaneness of his life, he awakens into a mid-life crisis with complex and explosive consequences.  For those who haven’t seen it, there are many memorable scenes but the one that stands out in my mind is where a plastic bag floats about in the wind amongst dry autumn leaves and against a red brick wall and grey, concrete ground. For moments there’s no dialogue, just the bag wafting around on the breeze; the point being that life has a mystic continuity to it.

***spoiler alert***

The seminal film Donnie Darko (2001) was another surprising moment of reflection. I remember popping the video into the machine slot with low expectations. It’s a pretty convoluted plot with tangential universes, manipulated dead, artefacts and Frank the humanoid, nightmarish rabbit. Frank tells Donnie that the world will end in 28 days 6 hours 42 minutes and 12 seconds time. Following an incident with a jet engine landing on the family home, it’s down to the protagonist to save the world before the sands of time run out. The movie has an amazing soundtrack including “Mad World” by Gary Jules (“…the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had..”) and “The Killing Moon” by Echo and the Bunnymen”. I know I watched it; I know I liked it but having revisited an explanation of events years later, it’s clear that I had no real understanding of what was going on. I do know that the lead’s demise at the end is a reference to a higher purpose, a grand plan if you will and an inference that the main character has found contentment with his life and is no longer afraid to die, being closer to God than before. There’s a messianic aspect that underpins the notion of self-sacrifice and the tragic hero.  It’s a finale that makes you sit up and take note, stopping to pause just for a few seconds about the meaning of things even if you inevitably go back to what you were doing before.

So I guess the moral of this particular story is that the concept of a God is something I have changed my mind about on a number of occasions. For those that have faith and belief then I am jealous. The truth is, I still don’t know where I am with all of this. I change my mind from time to time and as I get older, I think about things a little more.  

What I do know is that I love the flicks, the lowering of lights and the drawing back of curtains as the opening frames come on. May there be many more films made as good as the ones mentioned in this piece and let history remember all of those that made the past what it was and is, regardless of their indiscretions. There is no light without dark. Perhaps there’s some Lester Burnham and Donnie Darko in all of us. I know there are many that will find certain acts unforgiveable. Maybe forgiveness is the closest we get to Heaven on Earth. The right to change a mind may mean that things aren’t pre-determined. If there is a grand plan, we appear to have a license to play a part in it through free will. Chances are, this won’t be the final version of these thoughts….

“Plastic Bag Scene” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHxi-HSgNPc

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