Tidy

Back then

The house was neat

Ordered according to moods

Deciphered in quick looks 

An altered gait 

Pace of breath 

Knell of keys

Toes cramped

Curling to hold my face plain

My stilted airway forced open and shut 

Bruised from 

Misremembering

What is wrong with me

I’m sorry

It doesn’t hurt 

It’s alright 

I just need to tidy up 

 

Dustpans gather slivers and splinters

Of unspoken shame 

If speaking was allowed 

I poured it like warm water into a bath

Until the room began to thaw 

Puddles of disconnected lucidity

Lizard on the sofa staring into the screen

I couldn’t be home

That slow blink over the grinding of molars

As my mind filled with static 

Find the topic quick 

Find the words to change this channel

As volume obliterates evening 

The tableau flickers 

I tai chi towards the door 

Holding energy tightly 

Not letting the bubble pop

I wait for reprimand

 

(In the dark because there’s a new rule about having the lights on)

 

Tonight I am dismissed 

I flit from cupboard to drawer 

I tidy up 

I wipe and sweep

I dust and empty 

Everything in the right place

Until it’s all wrong

I am wrong again

With the wrong memories 

And the wrong expression

But I’m alright

I just need to tidy up 

 

These days 

The house sprouts piles of unspoken emotions 

Stalagmites of repressed fear

That will shatter into release if I tidy up

I am held in space by dust and glitter 

And cat hair tumbleweed 

Because one touch of the broom 

Or the vacuum cleaner 

Or the washing up sponge

And I am back in the dark kitchen 

Trembling with insignificance 

 

I’m alright 

 

I just need to tidy up