Message IV

To: Zoroaster

From: CarryOnDrinking@numberten.net

sent via ╜╝┼╡╢╤╕╦╧╘ .

Subject: Former Observatory Mission to Planet #3 Local Interstellar Cloud, Local Bubble, Orion-Cygnus Arm, Milky Way. Interventionist Measures

Hail, Zoroaster the Mighty and Wise Leader of the Free Universe.

(You will note I have continued to use the salutation recommended by our source in Washing Town. It appears though, that at least a further four individuals on this benighted planet of fools believe themselves to be the rightful bearer of this appellation. We are presently observing a fifth at close quarters)

You must forgive the long intermission between despatches from the Earthlings’ planet. We have had to ‘go off-grid’ as Malkar insists we should term it. I am at a loss to understand which grid he refers to, but I think he means we are in hiding. Your last message regarding the delay in the despatch of the Intergalactic Battle Group, due to a supply chain problem for spare parts, was immensely disappointing. We had carried out the first stage of Donald the Fruujon’s exfiltration by ensuring that the “chads” were disposed correctly in the manner guaranteed to remove him from the White Palace and banish him from Washing Town. The unfortunate delay in the IGB’s arrival has meant that The Fruujon Donald remains at large causing the usual strife and destruction associated with his species. Truly, it is little wonder that it became extinct throughout the rest of the known universe.

Malkar has become still more eccentric in the three years we have spent on the Earthlings’ planet. Although he spends less time watching the Television Box than he used to, he spends the days and nights connected to something which I believe he terms the interweb. He is attempting to use the primitive technology to connect the interweb to the satellite and booster system via which our infrequent communiqués using the earthlings’ electrical mail have reached you. Malkar wishes the interweb to be available to yourself and all our fellow travellers. It grieves me to say, I cannot recommend this being permitted.

Our technician colleague has had several disagreements with Baltachior, one of which resulted in permanent disfigurement for Malkar. He has lost a limb. More distressing for us is that Malkar has taking to wearing a home-made headress made from something we saw our hostess attempting to wrap around the carcass of a very large bird earlier today.

It has taken me some time, O Zoroaster, to get to the point. As we feared, the Fruujon Donald has indeed been mating with earthling women, in direct contravention of the Intergalactic Treaty of Exploration signed by all sentient beings several millenia ago. You will remember that the Dolphinia of several planets in the Needle Galaxy 3 light years from Betelgeuse were adamant they be invited to sign, meaning that in the Intergalactic Court of Beings Rights, even the Fruujon Donald is in contravention of the law. Thank all the deities that never were.

However, an additional problem is that it would appear that one of Fruujon Donald’s issue is also one of the five pretenders to the title of Leader of the Free Universe. Malkar has shown us both images of the other three and though they are all singularly peculiar looking, we believe that they are all human. Even Putin.

Which brings me to our current situation. The three of us are at an address in what the earthlings of this nation call the City of Westmonster, I believe. [I’m afraid I do not have space to explain this foolish concept of “nations”, although Malkar seems inordinately enraged or enraptured by it several times on any given day. Baltachior has intimated to me that he thinks something called “Fates Book” is involved] It seems to be one of two cities which are in something already called a city, named London. The other is something called "The City", which isn’t a city at all in any sense that I can compute. We do see much coming and going between the City of Westmonster and The City. Malkar has told me that the visitors and some of the denizens of Westmonster are all secretly lizards. One can only presume he has misunderstood some metaphor.

Yes. We are “guests” at the residence of another blond haired specimen. There is no orange skin, but the strange rituals involving the hair are in evidence as are the tantrums and foolishness. We feel there is no doubt he is the result of some youthful indiscretion by Fruujon Donald. We have managed to keep a low profile despite the number of photographs taken at the innumerable parties and leaked to something called the press. Perhaps it’s something to do with the wine they drink. Malkar claims “The Press” are all liars, but seems at the same time to believe almost anything they write “on-linely”, as he calls it.

Yet again, we are being assisted by an Earthling close to the object of our investigations. This time however the woman is in a position of power, but not status. Baltachior was delighted to be consulted over the wallpaper, I must admit.

O Zoroaster, MAWLOTFU (apologies, but it has been rather difficult writing this communiqué on Malkar’s Eye Phone 6, also he is hovering behind and making efforts to seize it back, the number of complaints that it is not an Eye Phone 10 belie his attachment to it. Therefore, I am sure you will forgive the abbreviation of your title) please give us news of the Intergalactic Battle Group’s progress.

The Earthlings’ planet is in the grip of some kind of plague, possibly at the worst possible time, what with the calibre of the four pretenders to your own title. At least the Fruujon is relatively powerless at this time.

I must cease now as we are requested to join something called a Conga, we believe it is some Earthling ritual to ward off sickness and evil spirits. I am not convinced it works

Awaiting news

Baltachior, Malkar & Kaspazar

[Part V]

[Where it all started]