Big Man Up Front

"We need to put the big man up front. Get him on all the politics shows criticising the PM and showcasing how he'd be different."

"Yeah, the Prime Minister being filmed raping a cat live on TV is a is a real chance for us to really eat into some of the poll deficit."

"We need the big man on TV, telling the country that it is possible to have a government that doesn't rape cats."

"Ah, here he comes now. Sir Keith, we were just discussing the need to get you on TV. Take advantage of this later scandal."

"Will there be flags? I think showing my patriotism is really important. In fact, we can make that one of our key principles: patriotism, aspiration and er, er, um ..."

"Flagging?"

"No, what was the other one. We launched it last week."

"Last week's promise to the electorate was 'integrity, unity and liberty', are you thinking of the week before that, we launched our three principles of government: 'prosperity, possibility and popularity'."

"Are you sure, didn't we have 'patriotism, potential and security'."

"No, Sir Keith, those were your party conference pledges. We got rid of those the day the conference ended, you remember you said you wanted a clean break from anything connected to any member of the party."

"Maybe I could launch some new core principles. Patriotism is so important. We should be doing more to celebrate the royal family. My proudest moment was when Prince Andrew said to me that knowing I was Director of Public Prosecutions helped him sleep soundly at night."

"An anecdote to treasure, Sir Keith. One for your autobiography perhaps?"

"Yes, I've been working on a title. 'A Man for the Moment', what do you think? Is it too limited, what about A Man For Some Moments, or better still A Man For Lots of Moments. Moment Man."

"Shall I add it to the list for the next focus group?"

"Better had. You never know how the public will react to these things."

"Going back to this big speech, Sir Keith. It's really important that we take the opportunity to make a strong case to the electorate, we're a long way behind in the polls."

"Of course we're behind in the polls, people don't like the term 'the opposition'. It's too negative, the very nature of the word - opposing things - which is why I always make effort to support the government on every issue."

"Do you think you could oppose raping cats at least."

"Yes, this raping cats thing, it's very negative isn't it. It makes the Prime Minister look very bad indeed. Maybe it's best if we say nothing about it."

"Say nothing! About the PM raping cats?"

"Because attacking the PM is attacking authority. Some may see it as unpatriotic to attack the person in charge of running the country."

"That's one way of looking at it. Another way would be that it's your job to hold the PM to account."

"Is it though. It's an old style of doing politics. Do you know the PM's first words to me when I was elected leader? 'I'm delighted you won'. That's what this country needs, reaching out across the divide."

"Well, back to your speech. Have you thought about new policies you could announce."

"Yes, I've decided against. People don't want politicians butting in to make their lives better, they'd rather sort out their own problems than get handouts from the state."

"What about announcing new taxes on the rich to pay for the NHS. That's always popular."

"While the option of taxing the rich should of course be on the table, it is not a table we would actively pursue. It's much better to win people's confidence with three word slogans. I was thinking maybe togetherness, openness, closeness? What do you think."

"But that's what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and every day for the past two years."

Well that's settled. The people will be expecting it. What about Anticipation, Expectation and Don't Keep Them Waiting - no, that's too long. Anticipation, Expectation and Waitlessness. Right, I'm off to rehearse my big speech."

"We're doomed aren't we. I'm anticipating flagging nothingness."

"Tell him his Covid test is positive again. He always falls for that. We'll get Angela Realperson to do the interview."