Big Man Up Front
By Terrence Oblong
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"We need to put the big man up front. Get him on all the politics shows criticising the PM and showcasing how he'd be different."
"Yeah, the Prime Minister being filmed raping a cat live on TV is a is a real chance for us to really eat into some of the poll deficit."
"We need the big man on TV, telling the country that it is possible to have a government that doesn't rape cats."
"Ah, here he comes now. Sir Keith, we were just discussing the need to get you on TV. Take advantage of this later scandal."
"Will there be flags? I think showing my patriotism is really important. In fact, we can make that one of our key principles: patriotism, aspiration and er, er, um ..."
"Flagging?"
"No, what was the other one. We launched it last week."
"Last week's promise to the electorate was 'integrity, unity and liberty', are you thinking of the week before that, we launched our three principles of government: 'prosperity, possibility and popularity'."
"Are you sure, didn't we have 'patriotism, potential and security'."
"No, Sir Keith, those were your party conference pledges. We got rid of those the day the conference ended, you remember you said you wanted a clean break from anything connected to any member of the party."
"Maybe I could launch some new core principles. Patriotism is so important. We should be doing more to celebrate the royal family. My proudest moment was when Prince Andrew said to me that knowing I was Director of Public Prosecutions helped him sleep soundly at night."
"An anecdote to treasure, Sir Keith. One for your autobiography perhaps?"
"Yes, I've been working on a title. 'A Man for the Moment', what do you think? Is it too limited, what about A Man For Some Moments, or better still A Man For Lots of Moments. Moment Man."
"Shall I add it to the list for the next focus group?"
"Better had. You never know how the public will react to these things."
"Going back to this big speech, Sir Keith. It's really important that we take the opportunity to make a strong case to the electorate, we're a long way behind in the polls."
"Of course we're behind in the polls, people don't like the term 'the opposition'. It's too negative, the very nature of the word - opposing things - which is why I always make effort to support the government on every issue."
"Do you think you could oppose raping cats at least."
"Yes, this raping cats thing, it's very negative isn't it. It makes the Prime Minister look very bad indeed. Maybe it's best if we say nothing about it."
"Say nothing! About the PM raping cats?"
"Because attacking the PM is attacking authority. Some may see it as unpatriotic to attack the person in charge of running the country."
"That's one way of looking at it. Another way would be that it's your job to hold the PM to account."
"Is it though. It's an old style of doing politics. Do you know the PM's first words to me when I was elected leader? 'I'm delighted you won'. That's what this country needs, reaching out across the divide."
"Well, back to your speech. Have you thought about new policies you could announce."
"Yes, I've decided against. People don't want politicians butting in to make their lives better, they'd rather sort out their own problems than get handouts from the state."
"What about announcing new taxes on the rich to pay for the NHS. That's always popular."
"While the option of taxing the rich should of course be on the table, it is not a table we would actively pursue. It's much better to win people's confidence with three word slogans. I was thinking maybe togetherness, openness, closeness? What do you think."
"But that's what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and every day for the past two years."
Well that's settled. The people will be expecting it. What about Anticipation, Expectation and Don't Keep Them Waiting - no, that's too long. Anticipation, Expectation and Waitlessness. Right, I'm off to rehearse my big speech."
"We're doomed aren't we. I'm anticipating flagging nothingness."
"Tell him his Covid test is positive again. He always falls for that. We'll get Angela Realperson to do the interview."
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Comments
Ha Ha!
Another classic. God, how I hate those acronyms and empty buzz-phrases (especially alliterative ones!) Acronyms are supposed to be memory tools - but I can never remember what any of the letters stand for!
'Build Back Better' Agh!!
Better Bury Boris (oh... he's doing it himself!)
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Brilliant :0)
Brilliant :0)
Reading your recent posts am surmising you know a bit about politics? Could you explain to me why people on lower incomes are so worried about taxing the rich? Is it something to do with the very successful campaign against Jeremy Corbyn, which seems to have convinced everyone that whatever he stood for, whether it was investing in the green economy or wealth redistribution, was irrisponsible at best, leftie evil at worst? I was struck by a recent vox pop (think that's the term?) when they were asking people whether there should be a raise in income tax or national insurance? EVERYONE said national insurance, including those on very low incomes, who said there was no point raising income taxes as the poor would have to pay it back later? I wonder if, rather than as you astutely have here, worrying that the slogans are the problem, it might be better to talk about what taxes are? Why they are needed? Why is there a problem getting money out of richest people? What could be done about it? Because tax is the root of everything - if there's no money there's no power to change. People aren't stupid, but the media bias against Jeremy Corbyn was so strong, the ideals he stood for were rubbished so entirely that now it seems only varying degrees of Conservatism can be considered electable. This new lot in labour just keep going on about what colour to paint the walls of a house, when the walls have all been made rotten
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Well said, Di!
JC was routinely denounced as a Marxist - usually by people who've never read a word of Marx, and perpetuate the usual misunderstandings and misinformation about him. 'Look at the Soviet Union. Look at North Korea.' Okay, yeah... look at them. They weren't what Marx envisioned at all. Great, isn't it, that we live in a world of trillion-dollar companies, and individuals with a (known-about) net worth greater than the wealth of entire countries. And what are they doing? Playing with rockets.
Okay... off pedestal. Once I start along that track, I don't stop
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Enjoyed reading this - and
Enjoyed reading this - and the discussion below! So many things that were mainstream Labour policy some years ago are now viewed as extreme left threats to civilisation. And of course, if you suggested nationalising the railways again, there would be shrieks of horror, but that's basically what's happened with the collapse of the franchise system. How many people point out that, after an admittedly dodgy few years, British Rail was the most efficient rail system in Europe when it was killed off. Grrrrr.
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