Craven Gets Flashed 31

When last we left our heroes. . .

Betty and Mildred were at the Village Tavern waiting for the bartender to introduce Betty; who was expected to sing a song of her own composition.

Craven, Jenny, Kenny and Sgt. Dowd had jimmied their way into Moynihan’s Village Oddities Shop located above the tavern. They were there to help the sergeant collect his stolen carousel pony. Having gotten no co-operation from the others — who were too busy raiding Moynihan’s pantry and ogling his oddities — the police sergeant muscled the pony down the flight of stairs on his own. The success of his endeavor has yet to be documented.

Moments before — and after having ignored the entreaties of Sgt. Dowd to ‘Open the damn door or I’ll kick it down your throat! — Moynihan and Dwayne took refuge in the attic.

Moynihan wanted to show Dwayne his sarcophagus.

Let the story continue. . .

“Sarcophagus?” said Dwayne.

“A coffin,” said Freddie Moynihan. “The ancients used them to bury the big-wigs. Some — like King Tut’s — were more form-fitting. Me? I like a little wiggle room.”

“You plan on wiggling when you’re six feet under?”

“Not at the moment, Dwayne. It’s not a genuine sarcophagus. I made it myself. I even did the fancy gilt work. Not real gold, though. Woolworth’s. Ten cents a bottle. Isn’t it grand? It was supposed to be a sarcophagus cigar box, but my sub-conscience had other plans. Now it’s where I nap and dream of an afterlife. I even made a lid for when my time’s up. I had a local artist paint my likeness on top just sort of like they did for ‘ol Tut. It’s over there in the corner. Unfortunately, she’s a terrible artist and I look more like a villain you’d see in the Dick Tracy Sunday funnies: Dastardly Dr. Smudge Face

‘Can you identify the murderous fiend, Mrs. Brady?’

‘Well, he was all such a blur, officer.’

“When my time comes make sure the lid goes on and that I’m carried out of here in grand fashion. For now? I offer it to you — attic included. You can stay as long as you like, but only if you promise to commit to writing each day.”

“Can I still type in the bathtub?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Dwayne. Now follow me. Those Keystone Cops will be here any minute. We’ll take the backstairs to the Village Tavern. I’ll buy you a beer.”

“Beer?”

***

After exhausting their curiosity in Moynahan’s Village Oddities, Jenny, Kenny and Craven made their way up the staircase to the attic.

“I hate attics,” said Craven, “Nothing good ever came out of anything put in an attic. I’ve read enough murder-mysteries to figure that out. The only thing you’re gonna find in an attic is someone’s grouchy uncle stuffed in a trunk, or the bible salesman who showed up one too many times to put the pinch some sweet granny’s pension check. Only this sweet granny knew her way around her dead husband’s Smith and Wesson. And Pow!”

“Just shut it,” said Jenny. “And what kind of idiotic murder-mystery writer has a sweet old granny dragging dead bodies up the stairs. Everyone knows a bible salesman gets dragged down the basement stairs after being beaten to death with a prosthetic leg. And to make it easier she cuts off his limbs and stuffs them in the freezer for future use. No trunk needed.”

“Oh, come on. How the heck is she gonna beat a bible salesman to death standing on her one good leg?”

“One word. Balance. Not only was she missing her right leg, she was also missing her left arm. So it worked in her favor when the going got tough.”

“Then why put him in freezer at all when there’s a perfectly good furnace to take in the whole job? She plan on eating the salesman?”

“No, you dope. This way she’ll have something to clobber the next bible salesman that comes thumping up her pathway. That’s my kind of murder-mystery writer.”

“If I may interrupt,” said Kenny, “I’d like to draw your attention to yonder sarcophacus and — more to the business at hand — the fiery red eyes that glow with wild abandon from within its confines at our sudden appearance on the threshold! Also, as I once said to Dr. Watson in The Case of the Screeching Apparition, Yikes!"

Photo courtesy of Wiki Commons:

https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?search=sarcopagus&title=Specia...