Non, je ne regrette rien

‘It won’t be long now’, Belle hears the nurse say as she drifts back into the darkness. She knows she is dying. It’s fine. She’s warm and comfortable and there is no pain. And she’s tired. So tired. Tired of life. Tired of being her.

There’s not much of a deathbed party and she closes her eyes again before her son lifts his head from his mobile phone to notice that’s she awake. She’s never believed in the nature over nurture argument but the apple certainly hasn’t fallen far from the tree as far as Jason is concerned. Forty long, long, years she had spent with his father; a cold man who cared only for his own status and success with no time, and more importantly no love, for her or their children. As long as she managed the house, ensured the children were not seen and not heard, and looked well enough at work functions he had left her alone. From the outside it all looked fine, more than fine, but the isolation she had felt in a marriage that included no camaraderie, no respect and little affection had been almost unbearable. He’d begun to show a bit of interest in Jason once it was clear the boy was sharp but even then it was more about him; a ‘look at my son following in my footsteps, what a great father I clearly am’ sick kind of pride.

Belle’s sister is here by her beside too, holding her hand in fact. Belle finds the soft circular movements of Anne’s fingers comforting, it reminds her of when she used to sing ‘Round and Round the Garden’, complete with actions, to the children. If only she hadn’t pushed Anne away what fun they might have had together, what secrets they might have shared. She’d loved Bill at first though, a heady mixture of wonder that she’s attracted such a handsome successful man, enchantment at his polished manners and sexy smile and body tingling lust. So when, over time (it started before the wedding day but intensified after), he did all he could to convince her that her family of origin were holding her, and him, back and that her future was with him, and only him, she’d let herself be persuaded. Before she realised that he saw her more as a servant than as a partner it was too late. She was never completely estranged from her parents and Anne but she saw less and less of them over the years, missing them more and more but never admitting it not even to herself. Until now that is.

Why hadn’t she stood up for herself in her marriage? Why hadn’t she left him and taken the children with her? Why had she let him infect Jason with the cold self-serving values he’d held so dear? Jason had been such a kind and happy boy. She can hear him talking quietly on his phone now. Some big deal that just can’t wait until his mother is dead, she presumes. And Janine, her beautiful, funny, sweet Janine. Her biggest regret of all was not fighting with and for her, for not defying her husband and keeping in touch when Janine moved out to be with her girlfriend Abi. Bill, who had never had much time for Janine anyway (she was a girl after all) had been horrified by the activism and disgusted at the life choices. ‘She’s no daughter of mine’, he’s said, and that was the end of it. In the three years since his death Belle had longed to reach out to her daughter but the years of subservience and the dampening down of any thought or feeling that might cause her more pain had taken its toll. She won’t miss the loneliness.

This living one’s life again at the end is not all it’s cracked up to be, so many bad choices, so much unhappiness for everyone, even Bill probably for how could such a selfish and sterile life bring anyone joy? Better if she hadn’t lived at all. No George Bailey type revelations for her that’s for sure. No angel waiting to collect their wings when it’s all over. She sighs, at which her son and sister exchange a glance, but it is a doze that follows nothing more. When she wakes again she can hear talking and opens her eyes to see. Jason is holding her hand now. She blinks to make sure she isn’t hallucinating. But no and now he is talking softly to her.

‘Mum, mum, look Janine’s here with Ali and the baby, they’ve been travelling for hours to get to you.’

‘Hello mum’, this is Janine, pushing forward to kiss her forehead, crying and smiling all at once. ‘I’m sorry we didn’t get here earlier, but Jason’s been so good, constantly texting and calling whilst we’ve been on our way. It’s so good to see you mum.’

She wants to stay awake and struggles to do so but can’t. Before the room fades this time she feels her heart lift. What wonderful children she has, what a dear sister. She is loved. She knows that now. That’s enough. No regrets, no regrets.

 Belle wakes again. She’s surprised. They’re all still there. Anne, Janine, Jason, Ali and the baby. Jason is holding his nephew and they all laugh when he reaches up to tug at his uncle’s left ear with his chubby, sticky fingers. Watching them Belle smiles.

The nurse appears again. ‘There we are, I knew it wouldn’t be too long before you started to perk up a bit my dear. Just let me make you a little more comfortable and maybe you can stay awake a little longer this time to be with your lovely family eh?’

Belle nods.