Mr. Unheimlich - A Play in One Act - Part 1 of 3

MR. UNHEIMLICH

A Play in One-Act

By Joe Kuhlman

SETTING:

• TIME: The not too distant future.

• PLACE: An isolated examination room in a commercial cloning facility.

•  

CHARACTERS: 

• CLANCY (M, late 30’s - early 40’s): A clone of a famous comedian

• JEAN (F, late 20’s - early 30’s): The clone’s handler

• VERONICA (F, early 30’s): The original Clancy’s ex-wife

MR. UNHEIMLICH

    

Lights up low on a bare room. Stand up mic center. Small stool and an empty paper cup slightly upstage of the mic. CLANCY paces, irritated, muttering criticisms at himself. He wears a long patient gown and socks. This is held a moment before a voice comes over an intercom.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You want to take that again from the top?

 

CLANCY: From the top? Fuck no. Let’s take it from the segue into the bit.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) We need a perfect run of this one.

 

CLANCY: And it is perfect…until that bit.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You can’t segue from nothing. It won’t feel right.

 

CLANCY: Who cares if it feels right? We’re rehearsing.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) And sooner than later it’ll be the real thing.

 

CLANCY: I’m a take it day by day kind of guy. What else were those improv classes for?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You need to get the whole thing down. The feel, the cadence. You’re almost there.

 

        CLANCY barks a short laugh and gestures to himself.

 

CLANCY: “Almost”, she says!

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) But not quite. So, let’s take it from the top.

 

CLANCY: Alright, alright. (He centers himself in front of the mic.) Lights up, let’s go.

 

    Lights up.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Ready?

 

    CLANCY takes a deep breath. Small pause.

 

CLANCY: Are you sure we just can’t start from the segue?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You need to start taking this seriously.

 

CLANCY: You know what I noticed?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Don’t tell me. Save it for your act.

 

CLANCY: You say “need” a lot. We need to finish this, I need to take it seriously, you need me to - (he trails off.) You get the picture.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) What’s the joke?

 

CLANCY: No joke. Just saying a word over and over again makes you think about the person saying it. That’s a psychological thing, right?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You’re stalling.

 

CLANCY: I guess you could say that it sounds like you need me.

 

        JEAN offers a similar short laugh.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) There’s the punchline.

 

CLANCY: Not a joke!

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Well, you know what that means.

 

CLANCY: What’s that?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) It means you need to start taking this more seriously and you need the practice.

 

CLANCY: It’s a sad day for the craft when you need to start taking comedy seriously, babe. 

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) We’re only a year out from your launch. A year and a half tops. You need to get this. I need you to get this. It’s important for both our sakes. Do you understand?

 

CLANCY: (Reluctant.) Yeah. Yeah, I do.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Then we’re taking it from the top. Oh, and Clancy?

 

CLANCY: Yeah?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) What’d I say about calling me “babe”?

 

CLANCY: You can’t train a monkey to do handstands and get mad when he shits all over himself.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) What the hell does that mean?

 

CLANCY: It’s a Clancy-ism. Felt like something I’d say in response.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I wouldn’t open with it. Alright, get ready. I’ll cue you in.

 

CLANCY: A year and a half is a long time from now, you know.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) It feels like that to you but in reality, it isn’t. Ready?

 

CLANCY: The things I do for love…ready.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Cue audience.

 

The sounds of a cheering crowd are played over the intercom. CLANCY swipes a hand over his face and breaks out into a wide grin. He waves to his “audience” and mouths thank you’s. The cheering crowd fades out.

 

CLANCY: It's great to be back in Atlanta! (Pause for cheering.) It’s a great town, really is. I mean, where else in the country can I get addicted to heroin on the way here from the hotel completely by accident? (Pause for laughter.) You know it’s true, folks. If any of you actually know a guy, meet me after the show. (Pause for laughter. He steps back to reach for his cup. He realizes it’s empty.) Hold on, Jean. Cut! Time out!

 

The recorded laughter and cheering stops abruptly.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) What’s wrong?

 

CLANCY: I’m out of water.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I’ll get you water later, let’s just finish the set.

 

CLANCY: You want me to do a whole set from the top with no water? That’s almost inhumane, babe.

 

JEAN: (Intercom. Stern.) Clancy.

 

CLANCY: Sorry, sorry! That’s just how he talks. (Correcting himself.) I talk. How I talk. What can I say? I’m a quick study. But seriously. Water. Please. I’m almost dead.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You need to learn how to pace yourself during a set.

 

CLANCY: This isn’t a set. We’re just practicing.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Practicing for the real -

 

CLANCY: Ah, who cares what’s real, huh? When I do this “for real”, there’ll be a stagehand or something that’ll be on call for refills. I’ll say “thanks, babe” and I guaran-damn-tee I’ll be applauded for it.

 

Pause. JEAN plays a brief cheer over the intercom then cuts it.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Like that?

 

CLANCY: You’re a smartass, you know that? Almost as bad as me.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You’ll get your refill when we’re done.

 

    CLANCY groans.

 

CLANCY: I don’t think that any comedian ever anywhere has been put through the ringer like this for their art. Maybe a method actor playing a comedian, but not the real deal. The more I practice, the more I’m going to be in my head about it. Please, I’m begging you. We’ve been at it for three hours today already.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Alright, alright. Fine. Let’s take it from the segue, okay?

 

CLANCY: That’s a fantastic idea. I mean, you said it yourself, I’m almost perfect in every other way except this part, so let’s just try and get this right, huh?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I already ceded you more ground than I want, no need to beat a dead horse.

 

CLANCY: I’d never. And hey, if you’re right, and I should have been practicing instead of running my mouth and I get heckled and boo’d and whatnot, which I won’t, but if I do, I’ll personally invite you onstage to tell me that you told me so.

 

    JEAN chuckles.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I’m flattered but I don’t think I’d be there in the first place.

 

CLANCY: What? Why?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I’m not much of a Clancy Mulligan fan, you know.

 

CLANCY: Uh, no, I did not know. Why am I just hearing about this?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) He’s just never really been my thing.

 

CLANCY: That’s not a problem, then. No worries. It won’t be him. It’ll be me.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You are Clancy Mulligan.

 

CLANCY: Well, yeah, almost, but…I mean, not really, because -

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) We don’t need to have this conversation again. That was day one conditioning stuff.

 

CLANCY: I know that, but - 

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Do you know that?

 

CLANCY: Yes! No! I don’t know!

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Clancy, we’re way past that at this point, you need to - 

 

CLANCY: Yes, yes! I know! I know it!

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Okay then. We’re all on the same page. Take a deep breath. Let’s take it from the segue.

 

    Small pause. CLANCY tries to prepare himself but can’t.

 

CLANCY: Can we just call it a day? I’m not really feeling up to this anymore. 

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Why? Just because one person said that they weren’t a fan? You’re going to have to get used to that, I’m afraid.

 

CLANCY: Christ, how’s anyone supposed to get used to that?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Well…I don’t know. Clancy’s got some pretty thick skin, from what anyone can tell. Remember his book? He said something about how the only people that don’t like him -

 

CLANCY: The only people who don’t think I’m funny are only kidding themselves. That was Chapter Three of Wingin’ It.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Exactly. Besides, there’s just as many people that worship the ground you walk on. Probably more. If that doesn’t give you confidence, I don’t know what will. You’ll be fine.

 

CLANCY: (Half-sincere.) Is there any job out there harder than being a comedian?

 

    Small pause.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Was that a joke?

 

CLANCY: Just play me in, please.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Playing you in from the segue.

 

JEAN starts the sound of laughter halfway through the reaction to the previous joke on the recording. CLANCY centers himself back in front of the mic. He throws on a smile and laughs his way into the segue. As he starts, the recorded laughter fades out.

 

CLANCY: But losing the Mark Twain Award this year wasn’t all that bad. Really, I mean it. That’s the thing about being a comedian. You have to keep getting back up no matter what happens to you. I’ve been both the guy stepping on the rake and the rake my whole life. (Pause for laughter.) You know what would have made it worse, though? A fucking participation trophy. (Pause for laughter.) No, I’m serious. You’ve all seen this, right? It’s an epidemic. Every asshole gets a participation trophy just for showing up! Christ, think of the kids! What’s that teaching’ em? Swear to God, I’ve seen participation trophies bigger than the ones you get for winning! (Pause for laughter.) Call me old fashioned, but no one should get praise for losing. The point of losing is to go back and do better. If they were giving out participation trophies back when I was doing soccer in high school, my old man would’ve made me eat the damn thing, little guy on top and all, if I got one. (Pause for laughter.) No…no, I’m lying. Sorry, folks. I did get a participation award for losing once. From my dad, actually. I had just lost regionals. Got in the car to head home, head hanging. Dad pops open the glove compartment, reaches in and shoves a pack of cigarettes into my hands. He looks me in the eyes and says - (CLANCY hesitates. He takes a deep breath.) He says - (In a terrible Boston accent.) - “You might as well start smoking ‘em now because you’ll never make it as an athlete.”

 

Silence. Small pause.

 

CLANCY (Cont.): Bad?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Not entirely. You were doing good right up until you had to do the voice. Like usual.

 

CLANCY: Was I almost there, or -?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Eh. Not really. You’re going to have to work on that. People love your “dad” character.

 

CLANCY: I barely use it.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Maybe not in the sets but interviews, commercials, TV spots. You’ll probably have to bust it out for a kid’s birthday party or two later down the line.

 

CLANCY: That’ll be the day, Jean. Little Johnny will just have to settle for cake because I will be hanging from a ceiling fan if I start booking birthday parties.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Jesus, that’s dark. Even for Clancy Mulligan.

 

CLANCY: Yeah, no, sorry. Didn’t mean it. (Trying to play it off.) Just a joke! Stressed is all. It’s a lot of work, you know? My whole life! Work, work, work.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Maybe it would be best if we did just take a break, huh? Don’t want to burn you out.

 

CLANCY: Sure. Wouldn’t want that.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Can I get you anything?

 

CLANCY: Water, please. I’m parched.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I’ll see if we got more in stock. I put in an order for it, but - 

 

CLANCY: I don’t need sparkling water. I’ll be fine with the tap, I just need water.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You only drink sparkling.

 

CLANCY: He said that in one interview and -

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) And his nurse told us he still only drinks it that way. That’s the way it’s gotta be.

 

CLANCY: But -!

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I’ll go check for it. Sit tight.

    Small pause.

 

CLANCY: (To himself.) “Sit tight”. (He scoffs.) Where the hell am I going to go anyway?

 

CLANCY sits on the stool. He reaches into a pocket of his gown and takes out a cigarette and a lighter. He places the cigarette in his mouth and is about to ignite the lighter, but stops, seemingly lost in thought.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You’re not going to believe this. They forgot your water. I know for a fact that I asked them to - Clancy! Good for you!

 

    CLANCY snaps out of his stupor.

 

CLANCY: Huh? What’d I do?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) This is the first time I’ve seen you go for a cigarette without me having to ask you to first.

 

CLANCY: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I just - 

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You didn’t light it.

 

CLANCY: No, I - (He fumbles trying to ignite the lighter.) - I can never get this damn thing started. Where’s the water?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Didn’t you hear me? I said they forgot it.

 

    CLANCY takes the cigarette out of his mouth.

 

CLANCY: How do you forget water? Who else on this floor is more important than me? Do you have the president back there or something?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Confidential. Can’t talk about other working assets.

 

CLANCY: As long as I’m your favorite. I am your favorite, right?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Smoke up. I sent them back out for the water. You’ll just have to wait.

 

CLANCY: Right. 

 

CLANCY mouths the cigarette again and attempts to ignite the lighter. 

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Do you need help?

 

CLANCY: I’ve got it.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Just need to press down a little bit with your thumb as you swipe it. Just a little effort.

 

CLANCY: (Snapping.) I said I’ve got it! (Small pause.) Sorry. (He chuckles and gestures with the lighter.) Sure you didn’t get me a busted one? (He tries a few more times on the lighter, getting quickly agitated before giving up.) You know, I’ve been thinking about something. Wanted to bring it up to you before I get actually addicted.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) What’s that?

 

CLANCY: You think he was ever going to quit?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Who? Quit what?

 

CLANCY: Clancy. Was he ever going to quit smoking?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Well, I assume that once he got the diagnosis he figured there wasn’t much of a point to quitting. Last time I saw him in person, he already had one lit.

 

CLANCY: But do you think that at any point in time, he might have considered it? Maybe he just needed a little push? Let's just say he lucked out and didn’t get lung cancer. Let’s say, I don’t know, a year or two from now he has a come-to-Jesus and realizes he hates it and quits. Do you think that would’ve been possible?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Why do you ask?

 

CLANCY: (Gestures with the cigarette.) I hate this shit.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) You know him far better than I do at this point. You tell me. Do you really think he would have quite eventually?

 

CLANCY: I mean, hell, if it were up to me -

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) It’s not.

 

    CLANCY stews a moment, considering the cigarette.

 

CLANCY: Yes. He would have quit and - 

 

JEAN: (Intercom. Warning.) Clancy.

 

CLANCY: Hear me out! Kicking & Screaming.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I’ll have to put you in time-out if you start that.

 

CLANCY: No, no. His special. DAR Constitution Hall, D.C. What was it, fifteen years ago? Kicking & Screaming.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Oh, sure, sure.

 

CLANCY: You know how many times he uses the word “quit” throughout the whole special? I counted. Take a guess.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I don’t know. Ten times?