Vendetta Part 1

Wae ma mooth waterin oor this double bacon cheeseburger, neatly wrapped in tin foil. The smell alain is enough tae add an extra three inches tae ma dick. Uncharacteristically, though ma conscience is undergoin somewhat ae an epileptic seizure. Since it almost feels as if ah’m playin awey fae haime while ah take the panties oaff this artery killer. Yae see the missus is yin ae those plant munchers who treat a simple choccy biscuit as a weapon ae mass destruction. It’s aw aboot health and steyin alive oan her dinner plate. Unfortunately, she’s refused tae suffer oan her lonesome and hus dragged me kickin and screamin oanboard HMS Clean Living. A while back we reached that pivotal in any relationship. Where she barks and ah obey her every command better than yin ae those disciplined sheepdugs fae that show ‘A Man and His Dog’. Fur ma dinner earlier she slapped doon a flavourless dish ae spinach courtesy ae her new foond gairdenin expertise. It tasted maire like the local cat’s piss rather an acutal nutritious meal. That’s why ah need tae grab ma pleasures where ah kin. Which led me tae phone aheid and ah goat Markie tae send yin ae his goffers along tae the nearest ‘Five Guys’ tae fetch me this blowoot fur the gods.

Noo that it’s sat doon oan ma desk, stacked wae aw the trimmins. Alongside a collection ae golden crispy fries and a delicious thick chocolate milkshake. Ah somehow cannae lose the feelin that this culinary masterpiece belongs as the focal point ae The Tate Modern. The heavenly smell drifitin tae ma nose is enough fur me tae blank oot the fact a few members ae ma crew are settled puffin ciggies nearby. Each ae thum drinkin whiskey aroond a caird table. Yin peek in their direction and ah cloack Nicky Boay emptin another paper bag filled wae a mix salad ae notes in the middle ae the hing. Nate and Ryan are dain the donkeywork coontin the money. Expertly wrappin the stacks intae grand bundles, yaisin elastic bands. There’s certainly perks tae runnin an ootfit who are the ringmaster fur aw the crims and undesirables in Edinburgh and Lothians. The music ae David Kusher echos throughoot the room while ah lift the burger up wae baith hands and ah cannae clean awey the smile oaff ma puss. The first bite hus me basically spunkin in ma boaxers. But then again, the musty smell ae Markie’s authentic Cuban cigar hits me wae baith barrels. As he puffs awey at the desk nixt tae mines whilst he’s absorbed readin a newspaper. Ah finally start tae munch this cheeseburger, closin ma eyes before ah hum and chew.

Nate instantly laughs, ‘’That’s gid, Aldo, ah take it?” He sarcastically remarks.

‘’That’s pittin it mildly, mate’’ ah tell him, ma mooth full. ‘’Back haime ah’ve been livin oan the national diet ae fuckin North Korea. Trust me, eh? if ma ticker packed in right noo? Then ah wid die a very happy man’’

He shakes his heid wae a smile. Swiftly gittin back tae work, masterfully tallyin up the moolah. The prick operates quicker than yin ae they fancy banknote coontin machines yae see in the true crime Hollywood films. Fuckin amazes how maist ae these lads didnae leave high school wae sae much as a standard grade tae their name. Yit maire moneys passed through their hands than a CEO at a fortune five hunner company. Ah refocus by sinkin ma teeth intae the bun wae shredded lettuce and ketchup leakin oot the hing oantae the desk. Within a matter ae a few large bites ah kick back in the chair. Utterly satisfied that ma growlin stomachs demands huv been met. There’s no sae much as a crumb left fur the vultures. Efter ah’m done ah pick up the napkin. Wipin ma tomatae sauce covered mush. Before clearin up the dollop’s ae spillage oan ma workspace.

Ma eatin habits huv clearly goat Markie hinkin as he slowly lowers his tabloid ‘’Ah dinnae ken if you should be eatin that, Aldo? it says here there’s five million sacred cows in India’’

Ah pick up ma milkshake and take a long cauld drink as ah try tae decipher his point. Unable tae fathom why he’s barkin up ma tree ‘’But ah’m no in fuckin India’’ ah tell him. ‘’Why the fuck wid ah care?

Efter digestin ma answer, he lays the paper doon oan his desk. Carefully positionin his cigar at the edge ae the ashtray. He then briskly scans the other lads wae a slight grin as they seem invested in this conversation as well.

‘’Well’’ he says, nervously scratchin his heid. ‘’It’s jist you’re…you’’

Ah stare at him, completely fried, until suddenly ah see the light, ‘’Oh, ah git yae. You hink ah’m a fuckin Paki? Be honest, mate? ah’ll no git mad’’

He takes a swig ae his scotch fur some Dutch courage ‘’Ah dinnae hink ah wid quite pit it like that. But…Aye’’

Ah sink intae ma seat, makin masel comfy, ‘’Listen’’ ah chuckle. ‘’How long you’s kent me, eh? born in Scotland, bred in Leith, that’s me, eh? Fuckin India?. Donks ago me and Bruce watched this travel show oan the BBC aboot some unfortunate bastard visitin there. Ah’m tellin yae, eh? it’s yin big fuckin asylum. Millions ae the cunts saunterin aboot the streets. Plus, yae hink the filth’s goat problems wae they mutants oan motorbikes in Pilton. Acroass there it’s like fuckin robot wars oan their roads and the motors are fuckin endless. Me and Brucie hud tae cling oantae each other fur an hour efter watchin that mindfuck. Ah mean, you’s ken how he gits in big crowds?’’

Markie points tae his paper again, hammerin haime his point. ‘’Ah’m jist sayin, mate. Apparently acroass in India Roland Macdonald wid face war crimes. Cunts there it wid seem worship fuckin cows’’

‘’Yae ken what ah caw that?’’ ah say, takin another sip ae ma shake. ‘’Fuckin certifiable. The only decent cow comes wae a milkshake and fries oan the side. Noo, a dug ah wid git. They’ve goat personality, a bit charisma, ken what ah mean?’’

Ice Pick Mike seated aroond the caird table throws himself intae this near heated discussion, ‘’Yae mean, dugs like Bruce? Aye?’’

Ah instantly explode in a fit ae hysterics. Ma face planted oan the desk as ah bang ma fist oan it. Tears streamin doon ma cheeks before ah lift ma melon up tae peer in his direction.

‘’You hink Bruce is a dug?’’

‘’He wis the last time ah checked’’ he shoots back, appearin gazumped.

‘’How many times, lads’’ ah tell thum. ‘’He’s an angel amongst mortals’’

In sync they drone and haw taegether as if they’re some barbershoap quartet ‘’Oh, no this again’’

Ah begin foaldin ma airms oan the table, facin oaff wae thum, ‘’You’s kin remember what ah wis like before he came intae in ma life?. Ah smashed any cunt in ma wey and ah didnae care who ah fucked oor tae git what ah wanted’’

Markie relights his stogie, takin a few cautious puffs. He then, yit again, rests it doon in the ashtray, ‘’So, what’s changed?

Ah hink aboot his remark briefly, ‘’Well’’ ah tell him ‘’Nuttin really, ah suppose. Ah guess it’s a frame ae mind hing, eh? Kennin ah’ve goat a higher power tae answer tae. And ah’m no talkin aboot Allah or fuckin Jesus.’’

This chatter wraps up yince ma mobile which is positioned oan toap ae some paperwork starts goin oaff. Yin quick gander at the screen leaves me maire than a tad surprised cos it’s nane other than ma faithur. Bloody hell, likes. It’s hard enough gittin hert tae hert oaff the groond wae him in person. Never mind him seekin yin oot through his pet hate, modern technology. Pickin up the cell ah swipe the screen, pittin it straight tae ma ear.

‘’Awright da?’’ ah say. ‘’What’s up?’’

‘His urgent and panicky voice ripples through the other end. And ah immediately encourage him tae take a breath so ah kin work oot exactly what he’s gittin at. In due course his speech becomes clearer and maire precise yince he declares

‘’Son it’s yur mother. There’s been an incident at the restaurant. Git yursel oor here as soon as yae kin’’

‘’Ah’m oan ma wey right noo’’ ah state. Dain ma best tae reassure him as ah shoot straight up fae ma seat.

Ma traumatised puss must tell it’s ain story cos aw the lads sing the same tune ae ‘’Everyhing awright, Aldo?’’

‘’Ah deh ken yit’’ ah tell thum, stuffin the phone intae ma jaicket poacket. ‘’But ah’ll keep yaise posted’’

Ah then find massel staggerin oot the oaffice wae ma temple throbbin and ma heid spinnin in aw soarts ae different directions.

Ma hands firmly grip the steerin ae ma motor enterin Porty. Aw ma concentration levels zone in oan the place which is located jist oaff the high street. The alarmin sight ae black smoke belchin intae the skyline fae their location directs a crushin right hander intae the pit ae ma gut. Ah’m awready droonin in the worse-case scenarios playin oot inside ma heid. Rapidly the bar is raised when the blarin soonds ae fire engines reach ma lugs. At this very moment ah instinctively pit ma fit doon. Fur the second time this year ah’m beggin and pleadin fur a divine intervention tae ensure a positive ootcome. Yit, when two maire fire engines whizz past me, heidin straight fur their restaurant. Ah become paralysed by the hunch that ah’m gittin that thenight is gonnae be a complete livin hell. Suttin that only becomes clearer when ah turn the corner at the boattom ae the road. Where ah witness ma folks’ business bein transformed intae Guy Fawkes wet fuckin dream. The street is rammed full ae emergency services. Scores ae firefighters are attemptin tae tackle the smoulderin blaze. By the time ah’m breathin in the smoggy air ah’m left weighin up whether ah jist dissolved an acid tab oan ma tongue. This horror scene playin oot in front ae ma very eyes makes me hink that ah must be trippin oot ae ma nut. The adrenaline suddenly drives ma legs forward taewards the buildin. Ah claw ma wey through the mob ae locals who’ve gaithered. Sadly, though there nae sign ae ma parents. Right at the second that ah’m aboot tae start grabbin cunts by the scruff ae the neck tae demand answers. A rare change ae gid fortune faws in ma lap, however. When ah hear ma dad’s strong delivery speak up.

‘’Aldo, oor here, son!’’ it chime’s.

Yince ah miraculously execute Linda Blair’s heid spinner scene fae The Exorcist. Ah spy him wavin me acroass tae join him nixt tae a parked ambulance. He’s wearin an open collared blue jaicket and is stood tall at nearly 6’4. Him hoverin aboot ootside a shuttle bus tae the Royal sends electric shockwaves straight tae ma brain. And despite ma best efforts tae locate ma mother amongst the growin fanfare she’s soul crushingly absent fae the picture. Against the cloack ah shuffle through this lot until ah’m virtually nose tae nose wae ma auld man.

‘’Da’’ ah say ‘’What the hell happened? And where’s mum?’’

‘’She’s awrite, she’s awrite’’ he keeps repaetin. ‘’Jist a bit shooken up, is aw’’.

He then guides me tae the back ae the hoaspital wagon. As if tae say she’s waitin oan me. Still, ah cannae quite shift this naggin feelin and ma anxiety levels ensure mayhem commences in ma heid. Ma thoats immediately turn tae her by the time ah move aroond tae the rear when ah’m joined by ma da. Thankfully though she’s no strapped up tae some oxygen tank, gaspin fur air. Insteed, she’s jist sittin wae a blanket aroond her shoulders bein comforted by young Carol. She’s the pretty mediterranean lassie. In her mid twinties, wae long light broon hair and hazel eyes. This lass hus been oan the books ae ma folks fur a couple ae years noo and she pronto teases me wae a welcomin smile. Ah jist wish ma mum appeared as refreshed as her but she’s popped up unusually pale and confused. Probably sufferin fae PSTD efter watchin her ‘baby’ resemble Dante’s Inferno.

‘’Mum’’ ah say, wae sweaty palms ‘’You awrite? Wis it a faulty cooker or suttin that caused the fire?’’

She stares at me wae a vacant expression, still clearly rattled, ‘’Fifteen years of blood sweat and tears. All up in a puff of smoke. I’m just so relieved this happened when it was closed and that no-one was seriously hurt’’

Suddenly, a paramedic pushes past me and hops intae the hing and starts monitorin her pulse. Ah decide this isnae the right time tae push her any further fur answers. No wae her bein occupied wae a medical. Ah decide insteed that its best tae locate two far maire reliable testimonies through ma faithur and their waitress ae the month. It’s certainly no bypassed ma attention that ah’ve been tryin tae dig fur an explanation withoot a single lead bein thrown ma wey. Which makes me recognise a disturbance in the force. So, ah gesture fur they’m tae follae me.

Finally, when the three ae us are awey fae blarin soonds ae sirens and dafties ah seek oot their witness statements. Ah dinnae piss aboot and git right doon tae openin this investigation.

‘’Right, Da’’ ah assert, takin in his beaten doon appearance. ‘’What the hell happened here?’’

His eyes jist stare firmly tae the groond. He’s obviously unable or unwillin tae look me in the eye, ‘’Ah dunno, son. It could jist be faulty electrics. These hings do happen’’

Bein a fully qualified bull shit artist masel ah kin smell a lie fae ten paces awey. Whichever wey ah weigh up his statement, ah smell foul play. At the moment ah’m readyin tae adopt a far maire aggressive line ae questionin. Young Carol’s flowery vocals rolls a live grenade acroass the concrete when she makes a public statement. An opinion which leaves me wrestilin wae maire questions than answers.

‘’What if this has something to do with the graffiti, Mr Ali? You know? That horrible stuff that’s been sprayed on the restaurant’s walls?’’

His response comes through a piercin scowl in a desperate attempt tae shut her doon. The lassie is the victim ae some friendly fire and soon lapses intae bein a mute.

Grabbin ma da’s airm gently ah lit oaff a few live roonds, ‘’What fuckin Graffiti?’’ ah demand tae ken. ‘’Exactly what’s been written, likes?’’

He sighs heavily, ‘’Hings like Muslim free UK, Paki bastards, You’ll get yours, it’ll jist be kids actin oot’’

Ah struggle tae git ma words oot fast enough ah’m that taken aback by this bombshell, ‘’Yur tellin me you’s are bein targeted by fuckin racists!’’ ah deatonate, foamin fae the mooth. ‘’Why the hell is the first time ah’m hearin aboot this?

‘’Well’’ he replies, scratchin the back ae his neck. ‘’Yur mum didnae want tae bother yae. Yuv goat the girls and Bruce tae look efter. We’ve been sae proud ae yae fur finally settlin doon. Neither ae us wanted yae gittin intae trouble. Anwey, this isnae the first time we’ve experienced racism. It’ll aw settle doon soon enough’’

‘’Yae dinnae want tae bother me? Are yae fur real?’’ ah fizz. ‘’Fur fuck sake, da. You’s are victims ae hate crimes. Aw aye it looks like it’s calmed doon. Yur fuckin business hus jist hud a cremation. Fur the time bein you’s are steyin wae me and Rox. At least until ah ken fur sure everyhing is soarted, right?’’

‘’Okay, son’’ he utters. ‘’Ah’m gonnae check oan yur mother now. But please, dinnae git intae any bother? There’s nae proof this hus anyhing tae dae wae the fire’’.

Ah agree tae his stipulation but unfortunately fur him ah dinnae believe in coincidences. Eventually, when he scurries oaff tae keep ma mum company. Carol is still stood there. Sizin me up and her boady language screams that she’s goat suttin oan her mind.

‘’Is there suttin yae want tell me, Carol?’’

Slowly she produces a leaflet fae her trooser poacket and huds it oot which ah quickly swipe fae her grasp. ‘’I didn’t want to say anything in front of your parents. But there’s been a far-right group passing out flyers in the local pubs. I suspect these bastards might be behind those targeting your folk’s business’’

Ah thank her before ah make tracks tae locate ma motor. Ah’ve goat a few caws tae make cos if the fourth Reich want a war. Ah’ll make the Israelis seem like a shoe in fur a Nobel Peace Prize fur their human rights work in Gaza. When ah finally land inside the Range Rover ah produce ma mobile fae the glove’s boax. Ah quickly gie this toilet paper a quick read that’s filled wae this right wing pish, suttin that sends me tae piss blood.

Efter a few rings, Ryan picks up.

‘’Awright, Aldo’’ his cheery voice replies. ‘’Are yur folks awrite, man?

‘’Cut the chit chat, mate. Jist listen. Ma dad and mum’s restaurants been torched. And ah’ve jist been informed they’ve been targeted by this Nazi mob. They caw thumselves the UK Nationalist Alliance. Ah’ve goat it oan gid authority they’re gone aboot puntin leaflets acroass the local boozers. Ah want you and a couple ae the lads tae nab yin ae these jokers tae find oot if they’re behind aw the grief ma parents huv been gittin. The fire might hae nuttin tae dae wae this but ah need tae ken. And ah dinnae care what yaise need tae dae tae make thum talk, understood?

Ma amigo is clearly as stunned as me by this revelation, ‘’Fur fuck sake, man. Ah cannae believe what ah’m hearin here. Dinnae worry aboot it though, Aldo. We’ll git right oan the case’’

‘’And Ryan’’ ah tell him ‘’Dinnae send any yur minions tae soart this. You’s handle it personally and discreetly. Yuv goat forty-eight hours’’