Agony 3

Dear Aunt Nasty;

My husband and I are getting on a bit now, and it's not often that we,
you know? Do it. The other night he got all amorous while I was washing
my teeth in the sink. Anyway one thing led to another and while we were
you know? Doing it, I discovered that he has a very nasty case of
piles. He would never have told me of his own accord and he's too
embarrassed to go to the doctors. What do you suggest?

Wife of Standing in Stanton.

My dear Mrs Standing.

This one very much depends on how good a husband he is to you. There
are some very good haemorrhoid treatments available over the counter at
the chemists. I can highly recommend the Preparation H and a circular
cushion dear. Oh the relief is instantaneous, take it from Auntie who
knows only too well. Now if he's a kind and attentive husband dearie,
there you go problem solved. But; Auntie's been reading a little bit
between the lines here. No, no, you tell me if I'm wrong now, but quite
frankly any man who jumps you unawares when you're bent over a running
tap rinsing your falsies sounds like a shady character to me. Eeh some
men they see a shapely bottom bent over a sink and they become savage
beasts, wild and savage beasts I tell you. Something else Auntie has
been a Martyr to in her time dear. So what I suggest is this: -

Buy two tubes of ointment. One of good old (Auntie swears by it)
Preparation H and some fiery Jack rubbing liniment for aching muscles.
When you get home, take the preparation H out of its box and put it in
the Fiery Jack box, and then take the fiery jack and put it in the
preparation H box. Change the bathroom light bulb to one of a very low
wattage so that he can't see so well and place both tubes in the
bathroom cabinet. If he suspects anything you can say you put them in
the wrong boxes by accident. I do hope you have a bidet and lots of
lovely cold water love, he is going to need it.

Lots of love
Auntie xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;

I live in student digs and don't have a lot of money. The problem is
that we only have one mirror between the three of us and my flat mate
keeps disappearing into his room with it for days on end. Please
advise.

Bristly in Bristol.

Dear Bristly;

You have nothing to worry about my darling. Stubbly men are so very,
very sexy. Next time he takes the mirror into his room, you take his
girlfriend out of it. And you refuse to give her back until he returns
the mirror to its rightful communal place. Tickle her gently with your
facial growth and I'm sure she'll prefer to stay with you anyway. Also
while he's out, open his door just a crack; place the mirror across the
top of it. When he comes in the mirror will fall down and smash over
his head. Seven years bad luck to contend with should curb his vanity
for awhile, and he can start with seven or so stitches along his
immaculate hairline.

Lots of love;
Auntie xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;

Every time we have an argument my girlfriend burns me with
cigarettes.
Please Help.

Blistered in Bliss;

Dear Blistered.

Give up smoking it's bad for your health.

Tut, tut; filthy habit. Auntie (who will refrain from sending you
kisses because you probably smell like a chimney dear.)

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;

My wife is driving me insane. Every time something goes wrong she says,
"Bless my soul." I'm going nuts with it. All day long it's "Bless my
Soul" this, and "Bless my Soul" that. I know you deal with serious
problems all day and this must seem insignificant to you, but so help
me God if it doesn't stop I'll kill the bitch. Please save my
sanity.

Dispirited and soul destroyed in purgatory.

Mr poor dispirited;

Well a bless my soul a what's a wrong with me I'm itchin` &;#8230;
Sorry my darling Auntie will have her little joke you know.
Buy her a shoe shop next door to a church and call it "Our Soles are
better than your Souls." But tell people to enunciate clearly and not
to speak to fast when reading the sign love. Remember now, do not read
the sign to fast.

Lots of love

Auntie xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;

Which position would you recommend for becoming pregnant?

Yours Broody in Battery.

Dear Broody;

High court governor would be nice.

Lots of love Aunty xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;

I am sick to death of my boyfriend. These days all he ever wants to do
is watch sport on the Tele. We still have a healthy sex life though, he
fits me in somewhere between his programs, or sometimes we have a
quickie on the settee in the adverts. The only time I feel that he
loves me is when we make love. What can I do?

Bored in the racing pits of hell.

Bored my love;

You would not believe how many letters I get that are similar in
content to this. And I have to tell you it makes Auntie very cross, yes
it does. Treating lovely girls such as yourself in this way. The
solution is simple dear. You give him the works. The whole womanly
whiles nine yards. First take the fuse out of the television. Then you
soak in a long, hot, soapy bath before he gets in from work. Wear your
nicest perfume and sexiest underwear and one of those lovely little
silk dressing gowns, go on charge one to his account. Have massage oils
and love toys by the side of the bed ready and then while he's getting
himself all flustered looking for a fuse you seduce him darling. Strip
alluringly out of the dressing gown and let it fall in a heap around
your ankles. If it wasn't for this lumbago Auntie would come and show
you how dear but it's the damp weather you now, sets it off something
chronic. And then you drive him into a frenzy girl, yes a positive
frenzy of mad lust. His mercury will be up and boiling before you know
it. Make love to him like you never have before. Stroke him, and kiss
him and massage him with the oils. Play with him and tease him until he
can't take any more. (Oh my is it hot in here or am I having one of my
flushes?) And then just when he's about to pop his darling little
wrestling boots. Climb off and ask him what is opinion is of the Alma/
Linda/ Mike love triangle in Corrie. Tell him that Jack's heifer's have
got the foot and mouth in Emmerdale. Ask him if he knows that The 'Time
of our Lives' team are going to stop using models from the waxworks
instead of actors, and are hiring trained chimps instead. That Jackie
Dixon is giving Max Farnham one in Brookside (which lets face it is
more than he's going to get) or that Dreary Deirdre's neck tendons have
stretched another two centimetres. You might want to make sure your
needs are attended to before you flick the cut-off button, we don't
want you going hungry now do we? Repeat this process as many times as
necessary until you get your point across. He will soon realise the
Derby is a horses arse.

Lots of two/ love, game, set and match, from Auntie xxx

~*~

And now dear readers Auntie has something very upsetting to tell you. I
have had a letter of complaint. Can you believe that? No of course you
can't. I swear I never slept a wink last night for the worry of it.
Tossed and turned all night I did. I've had a letter from a very
disgruntled gentleman. It seems that Auntie told his good lady wife to
go off to live in Jamaica with a very nice coloured gentleman of quite
staggering proportions. The other nice gentleman of more modest means
is now left at home with his four motherless children. He is demanding
an apology bless him. We know what we can say to this grieving
gentleman don't we readers? We can say: -

My Dear Mr. Disgruntled I'm so sorry you are a dickless
wonder&;#8230; Now Fuck Off!

~*~

And what have we got lined up for you next time? Actually sod all
except the strange case of a cat that keeps hawking fur balls in its
mistress's lap and a little boy who won't stop swearing. Auntie might
just pay a visit to that particular young gentleman. Could it be that
people are starting to doubt the wisdom of Auntie's words? Surely not.
Come on now lets have those letters rolling in. Ask and ye shall
receive.

Now I know where this has all come from and its most distressing. I had
to sit my dear nephew Neville on the floor with a brown paper bag, he
was so upset when he heard what has been said. Auntie had not been on
the cheap vodka again last week at my drop in centre. I was merely
coming to terms with a new pair of shoes that are giving me` corns some
gyp. Now this has got to stop, I know where it's coming from Timothy,
Fiona, Andy, Marcus (I'd never have believed it of you Marcus, never
sniff). Name and shame I say. Name and shame. Cheap vodka indeed I
never heard such a thing.

So until next time remember Auntie's motto
DO UNTO OTHERS ONLY DO IT TO THEM FIRST.