R 7/10/02

Work Diary, 7/10/02

Toys from My Childhood That Still Exist:

1. "Baby Alive": A horrifying bionic baby doll who eats her own special
food and then craps it all out into a diaper. Though it was my sister's
doll, we both marveled at the machine-like churning emanating from the
doll's stomach. Eventually we constipated the poor thing with too much
solid food. Once it began to stink my sister snuck outside after dark
and threw it over the fence and into the neighbor's yard.

2. "Sit-and-Spin": A sick-making contraption that's basically a
rotating bar stool with a handle sticking up out of the middle. A great
toy for the proto-alcoholic; however, not a good choice for obese
children, who may find it difficult to position themselves correctly
for optimum spin.

3. "Big Wheel": A lowriding, plastic tricycle with a huge wheel in
front that's prone to splitting after too many attempts to jump off
curbs. The main wheel is attached to the pedals, which can be brutal if
the rider's foot slips and his or her leg gets in the way.

4. "Etch-A-Sketch": A flat screen with two knobs on the front. The
screen is coated with carbon; the knobs manipulate two separate arms
inside the toy that scratch the carbon off of the screen to make
designs. Great for kids who like to draw rectangles; awful for kids who
think along more diagonal lines. These even come in miniature form now,
usually on keychains. Be advised: Breaking open an "Etch-A-Sketch"
results in a nasty, sooty residue comparable to the cremated remains of
humans.

5. "Lite Bright": A strange, bulky toy that looks like a computer
monitor with a pegboard stuck to the front. Various paper designs can
be attached to the pegboard, and an internal light illuminates the
multi-colored pegs that go into the design. Not very much room for
creativity, unless you like faces with blue teeth or purple
horses.

6. "Slime": A gooey polymer gel with the same consistency as snot. It
comes in a variety of colors and destroys carpet forever. Recently it's
been used to supplement less exciting toys, but originally it came in
its own little miniature garbage can. Once, just before my mother got
home, I had my little sister lie down on the floor with her shirt
pulled up. I put pink Easter grass on her stomach first, then covered
the grass with some Slime. A small incision in the Slime allowed the
Easter grass to peak out, making my sister look eviscerated. As my
mother opened the front door, I held up a kitchen knife and affected a
look of diabolical madness. My mother should have told me she was
bringing someone home.

7. "Slip-and-Slide": A marketing miracle, this toy exists of two
plastic sheets - usually yellow - sewn together with a water hose
connection at the end. When water is pumped through the Slip-and-Slide,
tiny arcs of water cover its surface, allowing kids of all ages to
slide wetly across its length. Terrible on bumpy sod or for city
children who've never seen grass. As using the toy requires a running
start and hurling oneself face down towards the ground, the
Slip-and-Slide often results in the owner's yard resembling the triage
center for a Middle Eastern skirmish (except that the moans are much
higher pitched).