Charley's Choppers

CHARLEY'S CHOPPERS

Dear Elspeth.

I am writing, as I promised on the phone, to apologise again and
explain why we never made it to the wedding. I was so disappointed. We
were all set to come, I'd bought myself a new hat and Charley had his
suit cleaned specially. And then we had a bit of an accident.

We weren't hurt or anything, it wasn't that sort of accident. It's a
long story, I hardly know where to begin. You may remember, Charley has
always had problems with his teeth? Fillings that would't stay filled,
crowns that kept coming uncrowned? Anyway, about a year ago he decided
to make a clean sweep. Have all the front ones out and get some
dentures. I thought his troubles were over, but it turned out they were
just beginning.

He couldn't seem to get the hang of them. The dentist told him they
would be uncomfortable at first and he'd have to persevere, but he
would keep taking them out and putting them down wherever he happened
to be. Well, you know what Charley's like about losing his glasses and
his keys. Now every time we went out it was "Glad! Glad, what did I do
with me teeth?" Nearly drove me round the bend.

Then one bright sunny morning last summer he was shaving with the
bathroom window open, and he'd left his teeth on the window ledge. All
of a sudden a magpie swooped down and, before he knew what was
happening, it had grabbed his top set and made off with it! I was so
upset. He'd only had them a month, and they're not cheap, are they?
Then there was the embarrasment of having to tell the dentist that a
magpie had pinched his teeth. And the looked so awful without them, I
was ashamed to let him out of the house till the replacement set
came.

When they did come he had to break them in all over again. They were
all right as long as he didn't attempt to eat with them. I told him
he'd never get used to them if he didn't try, but he still kept
sneaking them out when he thought I wasn't looking. There's something
about dentures, isn't there? That disembodied grin. Not something you
want to look at while you're having your dinner. One day we went for a
meal out, with some friends, and I happened to look over at him. There
they were on the tablecloth, next to his plate. I didn't know where to
put myself, I was that mortified.

Anyway, on the day of the wedding, I made sure he had them in and I
told him that if he even thought of taking them out before we got home
I'd leave him. For dead. I did think of keeping them in my handbag till
we got to the church, but I was afraid I might forget about them in the
excitement of meeting all the family, and it would have looked a bit
odd if I'd passed them to him during the service. I wish I had,
now.

So there we were, waiting at the bus stop, all dressed in our best and
Charley looking quite handsome for once. They really were a lovely set,
they took years off him. But then, as the bus hove into view, he has to
go and have one of his sneezes. Of course, being Charley, he can't have
a quiet, restrained sort of sneeze like other people. No, it has to be
a fifty megaton supersneeze. If I've told him once, I've told him a
thousand times, one of these days you'll blow the front of your face
off! Well yesterday, he did.

Not his face, mind. Just his teeth.

They flew out of his mouth like bullets out of a gun. It all happened
so quick, I stood there frozen. They landed in the road, just as the
bus drew up.

So there it is. Please give our regards to the happy couple. I'll pop
round to see you soon. It'll only be me, though. Charley can't go
anywhere at the moment. He's waiting for his teeth.

Love, Glad.