Dreams of Hope

I feel as though I have no life. I am barely able to function at the moment. My weight has ballooned which has added to my depression and my thoughts, and self image are not brilliant right now. I have been told that my medication is too high and this is what is adding to my anxiety, sluggishness and my ability to sleep upwards of fourteen hours a day.

Who is the person who wrote this?
How long ago was this?
A year ago, a month perhaps?

My memory does not allow me to remember the precise time and date. It is a hazy pinprick upon a far horizon. Feeling so very alone, amid people is torture indeed. The above brief words remind me of the loneliness I felt. One person with mighty thoughts, visions and aspirations discounted due to mental illness. Feeling shipwrecked in the middle of the Atlantic, tentatively holding onto a raft, wooden of course. Drifting upon the tide. However, Jesus was at the helm and God was up above and amid the current below. During that time I was never truly alone, though I did lose sight of that from time to time.

Mental illness is difficult to explain to someone looking in. Take something you have believed for as long as you can remember. You believe the world is round, it has always been round in your mind never to be debated. One day that belief changes, you realise to your horror you have been wrong all this time. You are convinced you have been fed false information before, you believe the world is square. Are you confused? Wait until you begin to talk to people around you about your theory.

This is a little simplistic of course; mental illness affects different people in all kinds of ways, as we are all individuals who think act and talk in our own way.

I began to believe that God "talked to me. He "spoke in my mind, in a gentle voice, He "spoke through music, pictures, words, the Bible and other people.

I had recently converted to Christianity and I never expected this, that was for sure.

I had, had one "breakdown before.

God spoke loving words to me and told me I was unique. I believed this made me special but the amazing thing is we are all unique, all individuals loved by God.

My life became a roller coaster of emotions soaring from psychotic highs to suicidal lows. I was sectioned under the 1983 Mental Health Act over 8 times from 1997-2000.

I was diagnosed as having Manic Depression and prescribed a cocktail of drugs. During this turbulent period in my life I wouldn't except that I had a mental illness-to be chosen by God was special, wasn't it? How could I really choose mental illness? Well, I couldn't I choose to see myself as blessed by God and I believe He is using me in various ways to help those who are struggling as I once was. Yet, I also acknowledge that I have a psychiatric history and am diagnosed as having a mental illness.

People with mental illness, are constantly degraded, ridiculed and penalised by society. Few people will chose a mentally ill friend or neighbour.

I am glad to say Jesus chose me.

I do not know when I wrote the first couple of lines. I found them on a piece of paper forgotten in a drawer. One time in my life I realistically believed I had no future. Today, I look forward to each tomorrow. Life is not easy but is it for anyone?

Mental illness kills so many people each year, this is not just statistics, but people, families and lives that are affected. I believe that without my faith in Jesus Christ I too would have been such a person.

In 2000 I picked up a pen and began writing initially to help me to come to terms with the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was faced with on a daily basis. The words flowed freely and helped me greatly.

It is very difficult to have a mental illness and talk about my faith in Jesus as it was often considered as part of my illness. My poems grew out of my frustration at not knowing who to talk to about my beliefs.

Confidence in my poems and myself grew and I began to show them to others. I was told that they could possibly help those in a similar position, and perhaps those struggling to help someone they love. People also told me that they could relate to what they read. For me at that time in my life it was easier to express myself on paper than in actual words.

What of my life today?

I value my life. I no longer take tomorrow for granted. I live every spare moment to the full.

My Christian faith and mental illness have had a major impact upon my life over the last 6 years and my biggest dream is that my words will shatter the hold upon someone's life that mental ill health may have and give them the hope to look towards tomorrow.