1936

at dinner
the words came like a curse
but far worse
for having been uttered
stuttered
half-muttered
by my sister

we all sat silent
shocked

until Father said
"I ¦ you said ¦ What?
And mother said
"Not at the table
(where the servants are able to hear)
"not here

My sister ignored her and continued
"I don't want to be married,
to give up my life
be only a wife
and then mother
to others

I want to go to college,
study law.
I want more.

I thought of the dress I was going to wear,
hung up in the spare bedroom
on the door
(for ever more)
What a pain and a bore.

"I've broken it off,
John's really quite pleased,
it put his mind at ease,
and now I'd like to go to college.

Like a curse,
but far worse.

My father looked hurt, my mother upset.

"Did I give up my life, being only a wife
and mother
so my only daughter could betray me
near slay me
with these cruel words?

"How absurd!
said my brother, the light of her life.
"It's not a betrayal,
she should go to college,
she's clever,
far more so than I ever
was.
I think I should tell you I'm failing
I'm falling behind. It's not plain sailing.
I want to get out,
go to Paris to paint.

My mother looked faint
on the brink
of hysterics.
Father took a drink
then another,
looked at my mother.

I thought of my gown

"You've both gone quite mad, father said.
"It's bizarre,
to who do you think you are
talking?
Why, you're the son of a banker,
you-

"George! Mother exclaimed.

"Well, Grandson of a politician,

With a sudden suspicion,
they both turned to me.

"Well, as this is all out,
what do you want to be?
Said Father.

And mother
"I expect you'll say now,
you want to raise cows
or dance and play lute
while swinging trapeze
and jumping through hoops.

I sat feeling small,
the eyes of all of the family looking at me
I'd never dreamed I'd have any choice
but boys.

I cleared my throat, put down my knife
I'd never really thought about,
my life
only that I'd be a wife

I sat feeling small and stupid,
happy just to wait for cupid.