Sunshine

They got to their appointment just in time. The clock said 12:29. Personal best. Marie and Cal checked in with the receptionist, who gave them a well practiced smile, and sent them to sit down. They were too nervous to read the old magazines that were there. They just sat, clasping each others’ hands.

He had been her first. She didn’t consider herself attractive. Obese, with lank hair and a wonky blind eye, she had been ecstatic when Calvin, (whom she considered gorgeous: the perfect surfer dude!) had asked her out. Now, they were going to get married! The date was set. The exact date between their birthdays. May 12th, coincidentally a Saturday, and three weeks from now. It was all planned. She was wearing white. Mum had advised against it – “it accentuates lumps, you know.” She had tried to lose weight though. It had originally started to come off, but a couple of pounds kept trying to sneak their way back on. Thank God for Aunt Matilda, the dress maker in the family!

Marie was thinking hard, daydreaming about the next few weeks, months, years of paradise with Cal, and the trials and tribulations to come. She barely noticed when an old, shrivelled doctor called their names. Cal had to nudge her a couple of times before she realised it was time for the appointment, and jumped up. The doctor, well, “reproductive endocrinologist” if you wanted to be posh, welcomed them into his office, and gestured for them to sit down, before doing so himself, and scrutinising their faces with acute eyes.
Marie’s heart felt as though it had just gone down on the Detonator ride at Thorpe Park. The doctor’s face didn’t look promising. He looked like he was working up the courage to tell some very bad news. She squeezed Cal’s hand tightly. Her heart was pummelling her chest, almost as though there were two hearts, both very scared. The doctor briskly cleared his throat, and started, “So, Marie, it’s right that you’ve had endocrinal problems before, isn’t it?” At this he consulted his notes, index finger guiding his eyes in search of the name of her condition. She couldn’t stand the wait, so she just told him. “It’s called septo-optic dysplasia.”
“Ah, yes. Apart from the obvious, how do you think that may have repercussions on your fertility?” At this, Cal squeezed Marie’s hand. He knew what she was thinking. It was obvious by the look on her face. Why the hell would the stupid man ask a question like that? He was supposed to be answering it, not her! It just made her think the worst…
“Well, I suppose because I need to take the Pill to have a normal period. That’s never made sense to me.” Hadn’t they already had to fill out a million question medical history form already?
“And, you have an under active thyroid as well, correct?”
“Yes.” Things weren’t looking good. Please, God, please, Marie thought. Please let it go my way. Just once.
“I’m sorry about all the questions, especially after the amount of time you took filling in your medical history at your last appointment. However, I have some bad news.” At this, even Cal looked scared, and their faces drained of colour.
“I’ve studied the test results from the both of you. I’m sorry to say, Marie, that as a result of your hormone deficiencies, and possibly also as a result of your obesity, you are extremely likely to be infertile. Now, I can’t say…”

Marie couldn’t stay to hear the rest of what the doctor was saying. She ran out of the room, and into the nearest toilets. She felt numb. She couldn’t hear anything any more. She couldn’t be infertile. It was impossible. She had always wanted a huge family. Four kids at least. More, if it could be done. She looked at her face in the mirror. She could see she was pale, but she didn’t care. All she saw was the fat framing her face. ‘Possibly as a result of your obesity…’

She ran out of the toilet, and through the nearest exit, not caring where she and Cal had come in originally. She couldn’t see Cal, he was still in the office, but she didn’t think about that. He could take the car. She didn’t want comforting right now. She wanted to scream and scream, until her lungs gave in. She wanted to tear things apart. She wanted to go into a church, and spit. How could any God be so cruel? Already, she’d been denied the chance to drive because of her eyesight. Now she was denied her ultimate dream: motherhood. No independence. No chance of motherhood. God, she was pitiful.
She could see a taxi in the corner of her eye. She ran for it, just beating an old lady to the chase. She didn’t care. Fuck it. She got the driver to take her home.

Throughout the journey, her heart was still throbbing, her mind speeding faster than any boy racer could. She couldn’t be infertile. Things like that only happened to other people. Before this appointment, she had been so happy. Why now? Why ever? Only three weeks to go until the wedding. It would have been her dream wedding. Loads of friends and family there. Horse and carriage to take her to the picturesque country church. White horses, people staring, ribbons streaming everywhere in the warm breeze. ‘Here comes the bride’ playing as she glided down the aisle. Mum and Dad full of pride for once, at the wedding of their only daughter. Tom, her younger brother, as the best man; his five-year-old daughter Rose as the flower girl. Marie’s godson, Jimmy, as page boy. Six bridesmaids, her best friends in the world, looking great in purple, her favourite colour. The bouquet a bunch of purple carnations, with a single white rose in the middle. Her looking the most beautiful she would ever be, marrying the gorgeous man of her dreams. The only man to have ever asked her out. Fat, ugly Marie. She could remember the first time they met. Considering it was his surfer dude looks she loved him for, it was funny that they had met on a beach. He was a lifeguard. She was windsurfing, looking oh-so sarcastically sexy in her wetsuit. She could remember sending a text to her best friend. “Theres such a fit lifeguard here. U r soooo missin out!!” She didn’t take it any further with him though. She’d learnt to ignore her attraction to men. It often ended in harsh rejection (like the time she’d asked Daniel Carpenter out, and he’d laughed in her face and told her to “get real; he wouldn’t go out with her even if there was nobody left. She was a fat, ugly monstrosity.” She’d been inconsolable for weeks). Cal had come over to her though, asked for her number. She’d thought he was joking, and when she found out he wasn’t, she’d fought hard not to get her hopes up, although had failed miserably! It was obvious to her that he preferred personality over looks. Well, why else would he have chosen her over others? She knew about the matching hypothesis. Cal was supposed to have a stunning girlfriend; she was supposed to have a minger. She’d got him though. She didn’t know quite how the hell she’d managed, but she’d got him.

Cal loved her. But was it enough? Her dreams had been shattered. It took all her self control not to jump out of the cab, into the oncoming traffic. It didn’t matter anyway, though. The taxi doors were locked while it was moving. Probably so people didn’t run away without paying. As soon as it stopped, she chucked a twenty at the driver, and ran indoors as fast as her legs would take her. She finally let out a heart-stopping scream. Unconscious tears ran down her face as she locked every window, and every door. Nobody else had a key but Cal. He was the only one she would let in.

She and Cal would have made such great parents. When they first started trying for a baby, a couple of years ago, they had started to speculate about what a child of theirs would look like. It would have Cal’s olive green eyes, and thick dark blonde hair, and slim physique. It could have her nose, she supposed. Her nose was alright. Cal insisted that he wanted their child to have her eyes, a soft sky blue colour; but she preferred the colour of his. She had pooh-poohed Cal’s idea that the child should inherit her cheekbones (what cheekbones?) and lips (not good enough, Cal’s were better). If the child took after Cal, it would be blessed, she had decided. Now, they would never know.

She drew the curtains. Nobody would want to see a twenty-seven-year-old woman pacing the floor in a lunatic state; just like she didn’t want to see the sun. Ever again. Children brought the sunshine into the world. She had been denied her sunshine, so she would be in darkness. She hugged her knees to her chest, and bawled until she couldn’t breathe.

She hadn’t been there five minutes, when she heard the front door open. It was Cal. He was panting, had obviously been running. He didn’t say anything, just enveloped her in a hug; and they cried together.

As her alarm clock went off, Marie frantically grasped around for the date in her head. It was May 12th. Her wedding day! She was so excited, although she couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sadness. She wouldn’t let herself dwell on it though. It was life, it was a bitch, but she had to accept it. She wished Cal was here. She wanted to hug him, have his support. “It’s bad luck to see the bride the night before the wedding,” grandma May had declared, though; so he had stayed away for the night.

She decided to step on the scales, just to check and see if the crash diet had worked, and to hope that Auntie Matilda wouldn’t have to adjust the dress again. She hoped the weight was on her side for this one day, and had gone down. Alas, no. Five pounds had added themselves to the two she had already gained at the time of the fateful appointment; making her total a whopping half a stone. Fat cow couldn’t even diet for her wedding day, she knew people would sman. But she had. She tried hard not to cry. She wasn’t allowed to cry on her wedding day. Unless it was tears of joy, of course. She was so bewildered, though. She hadn’t cheated once. That was when something clicked, and her face lit up. Marie hugged herself, and rushed to the phone. Today was going to be the perfect day. The sun was shining.