There will be paint

Aladdin's motivational speech series 'Rub For Success' went well for a while. He was picking up bookings and flogging books like Celebrity Mum of the Year, until Cinderella, leggier and a smidge more aryan, steamed in with her 'You shall go to the top' lecture campaign.

It was Powerpoint at dawn. Al told the papers Cinders had verruccas; Cinders said Al played up his ambiguous ethnicity to appeal to both the Asian and Arab markets. Al rebutted by insisting Cinders wore her old rags to press conferences for sympathy votes. Cinders alleged Al's mother had more hidden in her washbasket than bloomers.

In a bar downtown, the genie of the lamp, the genie of the ring and the fairy godmother put 50p in the pool table and shook their heads. They knew, as well as you or I, that a) pool without chalk would be lacklustre at best and b) re: C&A: that Dick Whittington was hot on their heels, and da-yum, had he got a gimmick.