I'm not paranoid but...

It said it in the papers. Bubonic plague. That's what they called it. Like in the olden days.

Now if I believed in those conspiracy theories that are flying around - and I don't - then I'd reckon they were messing about with a virus or some bacteria in a laboratory and forgot to wash their hands or something. Next thing you know, bodies found by the roadside in Algeria, bubonic plague on the front page. It makes you think, eh?

Where's it come from then? From what I know it's from medieval times or the middle ages. Can't remember which. We did it at school. Can't have been just hanging about since then can it? I reckon a little lab is making it. Gonna spread it among all of us God-fearing citizens. Been doing some research on Google I have. Learning how to treat it. Went and bought a big pack of antibiotics. Enough for all the family. Bought a few more tins for the store as well. Won't be popping to the shops if that thing comes to old Blighty. It'll be locked doors and every man for himself. I remember the pictures from school, best to cover your mouth at all times. Think that nursery rhyme, what's it called, Ring-a-ring-a-roses, is all about it. Or did I see something on QI where that dumb one lost some points saying it was? I don't know - we're told one thing one day and another the next. Yeah, same again please.

I just had a look at my neck while I was having a slash. Apparently that's where it shows up first according to what I read on the Internet. A swelling, along with fever, that sort of thing. Yeah I know, be hard to tell it from a bit of flu at first. Not spread by humans you know. It's spread by rats. Well, actually the fleas that live on rats. What do you mean, it might be someone else spreading it? It's those terrorists. No morals you see. Bang to rights as far as I'm concerned. What d'ya mean it might be someone else? The CIA? Why would they do that? Sounds a bit far-fetched to me. They make a bit of bubonic plague and then spread it among the terrorists? I can't see that. They're the good guys. Stick to the rules, fight fair. They're on our side.

So you're telling me that the CIA deliberately spread the Plague among those terrorists? I don't think so. Those sort of things don't happen. It's that Al Qaeda bloke. Bet your last dollar on it. Right up their street. Just look at some of the stories you see. Trying to destroy our society, make all the women wear veils they are. Wouldn't be a bad thing for some of 'em. Whose side are you on anyway? Shouldn't even be thinking like that. You've been like this since you started reading that lefty paper. Don't know why you bother. It's twice the price and full of a load of Moaning Minnie's. Nothing better to do but write that sort of rubbish and clean their sandals. Bunch of muesli eaters. Bet they've never had a proper job. Don't even get me onto social workers with that thing that happened in Harringey. You're telling me no one spotted it? More likely no one bothered to look. Too busy at some equality conference or something.

No thanks, I'll finish this and get off I think. I came out to have a good chat and you've spoilt it with all this talk of us being the bad guys and all that. I'm gonna get back and watch the highlights. Got a bit of a cold or something coming on as it happens.