Help, if you have spare time?? THANKS

By pinda

Thu, 29 Oct 2009
  • 831 reads
2 comments
 

My older daughter has an assignment for English and world economy. She has asked me to check her work but as you all may know I'm not brilliant with grammar etc as I'm a rap artist

If you have time, please help.
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Bomb explodes, killing many on the streets of Peshawar, Pakistan.

Wednesday 28th October 09

Typical, common, never mind. These are most of the ignorant thoughts you might be thinking to yourself as you read this headline. Since 9/11, it’s been classed as a regular activity to drop a few bombs in Pakistan or even London. Everyday when we’re all sitting in our living rooms, next to the coal fire. There’s always an incidence on the BBC news or Central tonight involving innocent people being killed by bombs or our young soldiers being tormented, even killed by some road side bomb which most likely cost a few Rupees. A few Rupees turned into bombs, killing humans. Why should the world be like this? Shouldn’t there be world peace, salvation?

It’s perplex and obscure to even imagine the world is still having wars, have we not learnt from the Holocaust- massacre of the Jews. The Apartheid- segregation of the poor and black people of South Africa. It’s truly misleading my opinion on how the human race will survive in the future generations.

Today in Peshawar which is in Pakistan and near the border of Eastern Afghanistan, a car bomb containing 150kg of brutal explosives ripped through a busy hub located in Peshawar. The location of the explosion was a small market, famous for women’s clothing, Gold and Silver and much more. The sounds of agonizing women and children were heard as the bomb caused more and more destruction. Innocent women and toddlers, who haven’t even seen a small fraction of life, just vaporized and melted by the power of the bomb. 91 women and children killed, and an estimated 200 with severe injuries such as peeled skin, bruised ligaments and so on were the main effects of this barbaric attack on Peshawar.

The person or people responsible for such horrific mutilation should face a punishment which is far more evil than death. Being a part of modern day violence and terrorism isn’t enough for them, so they find it compulsory to kill 91 women and children. Pathetic and cow hearted are the words which come to mind when thinking of these cowards. This is the biggest attack on local people in Pakistan this year, the Taliban have been singled out to be the main suspects. Yet they deny all involvement in such horrific attacks on Peshawar’s main hub. We all know that is bull crap, both the Taliban and Al-Qaida are terrorists with no souls and the main purpose to provoke havoc and gain power. Pakistan’s government has recently formed an army to fight against insurgents like the Taliban and Al-Qaida……Now they deny any involvement in this harsh attack on Pakistan.

Certificate U
Opinion

Comments

Submitted by tcook on
I've tidied this up a bit but kept the essential voice of your daughter. She needs to be sure that she understands the meaning of the words she uses - but overall it's a fair piece of work. Congratulate her! Typical, common, never mind. Those are most of the ignorant thoughts you might be thinking to yourself as you read this headline. Since 9/11, it’s been classed as a regular activity to drop a few bombs in Pakistan or even London. Everyday when we’re all sitting in our living rooms, next to the coal fire. There’s always an incident on the BBC news or Central tonight involving innocent people being killed by bombs or our young soldiers being tormented, even killed by some road side bomb which most likely cost a few Rupees. A few Rupees turned into bombs, killing humans. Why should the world be like this? Shouldn’t there be world peace, salvation? It’s perplexing to even imagine the world is still having wars, have we not learnt from the Holocaust - massacre of the Jews or from Apartheid - segregation of the poor and black people of South Africa. It’s truly misleading my opinion on how the human race will survive in the future generations (I really haven't a clue what she is trying to say here - perhaps this sentence should go!). Today in Peshawar which is in Pakistan and near the border of Eastern Afghanistan, a car bomb containing 150kg of brutal explosives ripped through a busy hub. The location of the explosion was a small market, famous for women’s clothing, Gold and Silver and much more. The sounds of agony from the injured women and children were heard as the bomb caused massive destruction. Innocent women and toddlers, who haven’t even seen a small fraction of life, just vaporized and melted by the power of the bomb. 91 women and children killed, and an estimated 200 with severe injuries such as peeled skin, bruised ligaments and so on were the main effects of this barbaric attack. The person or people responsible for such horrific mutilation should face a punishment which is far more evil than death. Being a part of modern day violence and terrorism isn’t enough for them, so they find it necessary to kill 91 women and children. Pathetic and cow hearted are the words which come to mind when thinking of these cowards. This is the biggest attack on local people in Pakistan this year, the Taliban have been singled out to be the main suspects. Yet they deny all involvement in such horrific attacks on Peshawar’s main hub. We all know that is bull crap, both the Taliban and Al-Qaida are terrorists with no souls and their main purpose is to provoke havoc and gain power. Pakistan’s government has recently formed an army to fight against insurgents like the Taliban and Al-Qaida……Now they deny any involvement in this harsh attack on Pakistan.

Submitted by h jenkins on
I've a couple more points to add to Tony's. Like him I think that your daughter's authentic voice should be retained so the words that jar with me (a pedantic, grumpy old man) are my problem. I do some editing for an educational organisation and I've a couple of small textual points. Currencies are normally not accorded a capital; so it should be rupees not Rupees. Also, two word constructions used descriptively are sometimes better hyphenated; thus cow-hearted and bull-crap. I think I know what your daughter is trying to say in the passage that puzzled Tony though it confused me at first too. I think she means that her opinion of the future is being altered for the worse. If that's right, perhaps replacing 'misleading' with 'darkening' or something like that would be better. Also, I think deleting 'the' in that sentence would add clarity. Ask your daughter to reconsider the final part of the penultimate paragraph. It talks of the number of deaths and then adds a little about injuries suffered. To me, talking of bruised ligaments, immediately after giving details of fatalities, weakens the piece. Technically, this is called 'bathos', a descent from the important to the mundane. One last point: the Taliban and Al-Qaida are organisations not individuals. If she wants to retain the thrust of her sentence, it might be better to say 'members of' rather than 'both'. Either that or make it 'terrorist organisations'. It's a strongly worded piece which is as it should be if your daughter feels strongly about it. The essay has an integrity that I liked. My congratulations also. Helvigo Jenkins

Helvigo Jenkins