I don't even have a name

I don’t even have a name. I’m just the green slime at the back of your fridge. If I lived in the Amazon jungles botanists would be queuing up to categorise me; a double christening of Latin and common names. But here in the fridge I am strangely unseen and unclassified.

You probably think that you’re superior to me. “Urghh, green slime,” you say. But here in the quiet, cold still of a refrigerator I am able to enter a state of deep meditation and reflection, reaching heights of self knowledge that would make any human giddy.

In my simple life of contemplation I observe the manic changes to your life, the fridge frantically filled and emptied around me. I observe those periods, sometimes lasting days or even weeks, when I am all alone in here, other periods when I become surrounded by a camaraderie of greenery, forgotten food-stuffs remoulding themselves into new forms of life. I hope you liked the joke; re’mould’ing – and they say that slime doesn’t have a sense of humour.

I was here when she moved in, with her tofu and natural yoghurt, and sometimes even tubs of makeup. Then, a year or so later, the fridge started being filled with baby’s bottles – congratulations!

I was still here when she moved out. No more baby food, tofu or yoghurt. She was replaced by six-packs of lager and occasional remnants of pizza.

Whoosh! The speed of human life is ridiculous. You lack the cold reflection that a fridge-dweller like myself possesses. Deep, deep, inside the mind of a green slime is an awareness of my place in the universe, of my relation to God (yes green slime has a god) and my moral duty to remain green and slimy. I challenge you to name one human being who has remained as faithful to his moral code as I have to mine.

In my state of blissful self-awareness I am, of course, conscious of my own mortality. I await the inevitable coming of the great white cloth with calm and dare I say a certain serenity, knowing that whenever my time comes I will have enjoyed a fulfilled and valuable life.

I do not wish to die, obviously, there is so much more of the universe left for me to contemplate, but I rest assured that I will not face my fate for a long time, after all, you NEVER clean your fridge.