Us soldiers of war
By darkoe2lh2k
Thu, 29 Jul 2010
- 951 reads
5 comments
Us soldiers of war
we stand up and fight
were always alert
though the day and the night
Eating our rashions
no more do they spare
just waiting and watching
whos that over there
shell shock we suffer
but soldiers we are one
so close you cant break us
like a mother and son
what was that noise
in the darkness we search
shh..as we whisper
we cant make a sound
our enemies upon us
don't want to be found
Guilt that we carry
we fight or we die
we have to be brave
although that we cry
Us soldiers of war
in our hearts left the scars
but together are one
like the bond with the mother
and her special son
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Comments
I feel this would work
I feel this would work better if you'd stuck to the quatrain-style throughout (four line stanzas) - altering this alters the rhythm somewhat. You create some good atmosphere and have strong subject matter, now you just need to discipline the poem a little!
Just be aware that when you form contractions, e.g. can't (from cannot) and who's (from who is), you need to use an apostrophe to indicate the missing letters.
What I also do is check any words I am unsure of how to spell using an online dictionary - just type 'dictionary' into google to find one - 'rations'.
J x
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